Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Brief Encounters with deep seeded neurosis

I'm having a bad day. Actually a bad week. Just when I thought I was over the hump with getting over the ex and all of the destructive feelings that came with that relationship... it pops up to fog up my mind. Not that I want to go back to that toxic relationship. I don't. There are just a lot of issues that wore away at my self-worth and forced me to shut down my emotions and my drive for life. It was a sacrifice I made. It was the only way the relationship could continue. It was the wrong thing to do.

You can't live your life "shut down". You can't learn to expect not to feel acknowledged or loved. You shouldn't have to try to convince yourself that your desire to feel loved and connected and needed is selfish. Too many years of that. Not just in my last relationship, but also in the one I had with my abusive, paranoid schizophrenic mother. Years of therapy later and it's still in there. I still find myself feeling bad about wanting to feel good. Feeling week and selfish for wanting to be loved and wanting someone to care. The Buddhist classes have helped me to realize that true happiness is within me. That it can't be given to me or taken away by someone or something else. But that wise knowledge evaporates when I get a pain in my chest where my heart should be. When, against my better judgment, I finally open up to a friend and they cut me off mid-sentence to talk about their latest, well planned industry coup. When I go home to find my dog has peed in my bed because he was alone for too long and was feeling unloved. I hear ya baby. I hear ya.

This was supposed to be a post about the cover for the "Brief Encounters" movie that comes out in a few weeks. About how I was very excited because I thought it was going to be my first cover. That is something I have always wanted. Just to be on the cover. And I really thought this was the time it was going to happen. I mean, I'm not the biggest, most well known porn star in the world.. or the country... or even the city I live in. But I thought I was probably the most "popular" performer in the film.

And then my best friend Tim talked to his best friend Matt and next thing you know they are flying to do a scene for the movie. Of course I knew immediately what was going to happen. What should happen. Matt Rush's first film since the break from him Falcon Lifetime Exclusive contract. It's a huge thing. And rightly so. I can't be mad at him for that. He's a friend of mine and if you knew him personally you would know that he is sweet, gentle, caring and humble. For someone who you could realistically be called "the most well know gay porn star in the world" he really has no ego and has not fed into that "lifestyle" at all. He's just a simple, solid, sincere guy trying to get by like everyone else. And I can't get mad at the guys at Pantheon. I mean, really, for Matt to pick them as his first post-Falcon company to work for is amazing! Especially when he probably could have picked any HUGE company and any HUGE porn star to appear with. Not sure why he made that choice but I'm very happy for the guys at Pantheon Productions. They are probably the nicest guys I've ever worked with and I hope that the publicity that this film gets rockets them to well deserved heights!

I guess what makes it hurt a little more is that the cover actually has a really big photo of my scene mate Conner and I on the cover. But they took a photo of Tim and Greg and positioned it in front of us. I posted a picture of it below, at the bottom of my post. Where it belongs. This is a post about me.... not Nick Moretti. He's a porn star that I play. My picture appears proudly at the top of this post. Where it belongs.


Anonymous said...

Hi there. Don't be too depressed. Just tell yourself that you are a new you after your breakup. And that only time will heal the wounds. How is your foot now? And by the way, why is it called brief encounters?

I may sound stupid or naive, but then I am miles away, both physically and mentally, from where you are.


Nick Moretti said...

Hey... Thanks for caring enough to comment. I'm not too depressed. Just depressed enough to think and to get my priorities back in order. You do not sound naive at all.

Oh... and the movie is called "Brief Encounters" because everyone in it is wearing underwear... briefs. Until they take them off about 30 seconds into the scene. LOL

And thanks for the kisses.
Big hug and kisses back.

Y said...

Aw,Nick,so sorry to hear about your bad week!I know you have "invested" a lot in your previous relationship but hey you are free now,free to do whatever you want,free to meet whoever you want...and I`m more than sure that you`ll find a great guy,as great as you are,and you`ll be happy again.Cuz you deserve it!
I don`t know why we sometimes have to go thru all that shit but we just have to.

As for the cover-many great covers of you are yet to come.Sorry but I just saw it in my crystal ball:)


Stan said...

It would have been nice to make the cover but there is no doubt who's name and picture I'm looking for on the front and back credits none other than Nick Moretti!

Anonymous said...

Hey Nick,

like the others said, don't be depressed. But you started already your way back to your inner peace. As long as you know who and what you are, everything will go well.

*hugs with love*

Anonymous said...

The frustration may probably come from focusing out of the present time (a subject usually addressed in most Buddhism classes). The moment you had set your focus in the "future event" of a DVD cover that's coming up some weeks ahead, that is "going to" (future tense) feature your picture, that is the moment when you start building a lot of expectations, based on a future fact, that as such, is not here yet, therefore is also in fact unreal and untrue.
The reality is that now, today, in the present time, that DVD cover is in deed coming out with another picture, for variables you can not or couldn't control and that you can not be responsible of. But you're still holding on to those expectations you had already built towards a future and uncertain fact, and you don't want to LET GO those thoughts. You want to keep ATTACHED to them. And when you find yourself unavoidably confronting the actual reality of what the present time is offering you versus the expectations you have already built upon a future that was never real, that's when frustration kicks in. Yes, in the end, it is all in your mind, and only your own thoughts have built this scenario. And yes, only you, inside you, have the ability to manage them, and not let them manage you, to take control of the situation, and regain your own sense of balance and peace of mind.
Meditate, my friend. Do a yoga session, and just let it go.
What is real today is your dog waiting for you, and you being responsible for it now. Your dog needing you now and willing to share love, unconditionally, with you today. Accept what life is offering to you now as it is for what it is and just enjoy it.

Anonymous said...

Thanks Nick for the kind words, you are a true friend and I'm proud to know you. When I signed up for the movie, I had no intention of making the cover. In all seriousness, I didn't even know that you were in the movie. I would never intentionally try to steal your thunder. Don't let it get to you. You are an awesome performer and there will be plenty of covers

Anonymous said...

Well said! Go Nick!

Anonymous said...

Anyone that is fortunate enough to get an all temperature (hot, warm, cool) man like you and fuck it up is simply unimaginable to me.

I have never been a huge porn fan, but when I saw you-- I said-- there is someone special. Actually sickeningly special. LOL. I hope you feel better soon and I bet the additional exposure Matt Rush gives the film will pay off for you in spades. I'd buy your cover over Matt's anyday. And if I was unowned, I'd seriously consider flying down to Florida to stalk-er... I mean seduce you.

Anonymous said...

Well, so this is a comment about me ... a girl from far away in Austria. Somehow I have come to care a lot about you - and as far as I know you (by blog) now, you will want to take back your words in your next blog and play poornStar. Don't! Don't belittle such posts and emotions and your sharing of them. You are honest and clearspoken - no marketing smoke is needed.

Such is the nature of blogs and internet that we can not really comfort someone who is lonely, I can but try.

You are very much on my mind and and in my heart.

That said from a woman. How strange can live get?

Kristie~ said...

Nick, keep your chin up. You seem like a fabulous guy with a lot to offer any one with whom you have a relationship. His loss is the next guys gain. Just remember that!!!

Thank you for adding me to your blogroll. That was very sweet!!

Here's hoping the weekend is better than the week sweetheart.

Major_Hutch said...

You know Truthfully I don't give a darn about the PORN. I'll watch a porn to scope out camera angles and see how it's being filmed. I'm a tech geek...SSHHH don't tell anyone I'm still in the Closet with my Tech Geekuality. So there is no fanboy factor on my part. I like what you wrote it spoke to me. I think it was something I've been needing to hear for a very long time. Well I guess read. I've spent a good portion of my existence shut down. I should probably start kicking my self into gear.
Another thing I enjoy about this blog. Not that I would take pleasure in a hard point in somebodies life or anything. But I like that fact that you don't come on as a whiney about an end to a relationship. But at the same time your man enough to admit it has got you down in a few spots and your workin to get those spots taken care of.
I Dig your personality Nick, and I'm sure I'll have to drop in on your blog more often.

Unknown said...

I just watched the preview for our movie. Our scene looks really great. Plus? It's the first time we got to have sex.
Whether you ever get on a cover or not, you get to have experiences in your life that most people only dream of. I'm so happy I got to be a part of the Nick Moretti experience, bud. It's unique and hot and hilarious and bright.
Big smooch.

Unknown said...

I've never read your blog before, but I'm checking it out now because I read The Wild Ramblings and Kristie has never steered me wrong. As someone who is finally starting to come out of the deep freeze, your words really got to me. I'm learning to let go of a lot things, including pain from previous relationships. I was so hurt and beat down that I used my grandmother's and father's terminal illnesses to shut myself away. I thank you for being so honest about your feelings.

Anonymous said...


Again... thanks for sharing your honest words, they hit right at the heart of things. I started reading your bolg today and can't stop, so i'm reading from recent to older posts. I'm not a Zen master like some of your former commentators, but i agree don't focus on what will be, focus on what is. Your baby peeing on your bed is a great thing! It means you are loved and missed and needed.

As for the cover... no offense to Mat Rush, but i would pick a movie with you on the cover anytime over a over-muscled man. You are just right. The most perfect face. perfect ass. perfect dick. perfect cockiness/shyness.