Saturday, September 29, 2012

Get a life

I found myself feeling lost, sad and alone yesterday and not really sure why. I mean life is going SO WELL for me right now and I've been super happy. It took some soul searching to figure it out... and I did.

I guess I've spent all my time for quite a while completely focusing on work and taking on many, many projects. At the same time I was taking care of my dad, my ex, and friends. I was busy all the time and doing really well with staying on top of it all. I tend to do very well under pressure. Now that I just finished the movie I was working on, and everyone is gone, I find that I don't really have a life. Its kind of like crashing from drugs... and NO, I don't do drugs. Going from this big, emotional, intense rush to a big, numb, emptiness.

Gotta step back and take time to make solid friends and connections instead of just retreating to my couch with my dog, having a martini, and heading to bed. I'm a shy person, not the character I play in porn videos, so it takes a lot for me to go out and meet people. Add to that the fact that many people here recognize me and just assume I'm the Nick Moretti character I play and I very rarely even end up talking with anyone when I go out to a bar. That's ok because I don't really like going to bars anyway. I get bored fast and the noise, the pushing and the drunk people being sloppy all kind of annoy me.

But I have to go out to meet people. And I do go out... I go to the movies and dinner by myself a lot and watch all the families, couples and friends having fun. A lot of times I run into groups of friends... or people I consider my friends... and it hurts that I wasn't invited to join them. This actually happens a lot. And it's not for lack of trying. There are only so many times you can invite people do do things with you, and try to insert yourself into their plans, before feeling like a fool and finally giving up.

So now that I will finally have some free time to myself I have to find a better way to connect with people. I'm really getting into my artwork and directing so maybe I need to search out some people with similar interests. There seem to be a lot of them here. And I need to get back to my meditation classes at the Buddhist center (although I've found that the members of the group here in San Francisco were not very friendly and seemed really guarded and stand-offish). I also need to get back to my church again as well. I had just started to go back on Sundays when my dad got sick and my relationship tanked.

Anyway, after rambling on, and on, my point is... I gotta get a fucking life. Wish me luck.

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Derek Hanson & James Roscoe fuck for me!

I directed my first scene for Dark Alley Media last month and it just went live on the Raw Fuck Club site. I was SO PSYCHED to finally get to work with James Roscoe and Derek Hanson and it was dirty, hot, raw... everything I thought it would be! There's a preview below if you want to check out the hot action and you can see the entire scene if you CLICK HERE.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Ya... it's a fucking glamorous life

I just got home from what I hoped would be a relaxing dinner by myself in the middle of a crazy pre-folsom week and I just want to curl up in a ball under the comforter in my bed and cry and sleep forever. I went to the little Thai restaurant (Thai Spice II) that I always go to by myself and ordered some soup and fresh spring rolls and pulled out my iPad to read the book I'm reading and I start to hear some load "fuck ya" and moaning from the little table right next to me. I look over and there is an older gentleman (not much older than me) who looks at me and then looks down at his crotch. I look down and the fucker has his dick out and is jacking off while looking at me. What the fuck!

I look around, worried about the other people around us. I give him a dirty look and turn my head back to my iPad and try to ignore him. But he brings up the volume and keeps jacking off and looking at me. Of course now I can't concentrate on my book and I'm thinking what the fuck does this guy have to do this to me right now when I am trying to just find peace in a nice dinner alone.

They bring my fresh rolls and coconut milk soup and the fucker is still at it. It's like a fucking train wreck that you can't block out. I'm shaking now and I know I look like I'm going to start crying any minute. Finally, I lean over to him and say "What the fuck is wrong with you? This is a restaurant you fucking animal." To which he answers, "Why are you looking at my dick... just cause everyone knows you're a fucking porn star." Now I'm fucking so wrecked I don't know what to do.

The table next to me is a group of 2 guys and 2 girls all speaking French and they haven't noticed anything and everyone else is involved in their own dinner conversation... except me. So I try to read my E-book and ignore it, but the fucker just keeps up with it. I pulled out my phone and video taped a little bit of it just in case things got worse and I needed evidence or something. Really, I had no idea what the fuck I was doing or should do. I barely touched my soup and appetizer and they brought my entree out. I poked around with it with my fork but I had no fucking appetite.

Finally, the guy finished his dinner, got his bill, paid and started walking towards the door. I pulled the two waiters over, pointed the pervy douche out, and told them what was going on. I told them to please tell the manager and make sure that he didn't do this to other diners. Of course, he probably wouldn't do that to other diners... I was the lucky one because I am just a dirty, worthless, piece of shit porn star who deserves this to happen to him. I said I had video if they wanted to see it and they said "No". Don't blame them. They looked towards the door and the guy was outside the window making the "he's crazy" circular movement with his finger near his head and looking gesturing towards me. They asked if I was OK and I said, "Not really, I just want to cry right now. This was really horrible and I want to make sure he doesn't do this to anyone else." So I pushed the food in my plate around and ate some of it and then got the check and paid.

The waiter came back over and grabbed my shoulder and said, I want you to know that I told the manager about it. I asked if they knew who the guy was and he said he comes in sometimes and he is really weird. He also said that I looked like I was going to break down and cry any minute and he was worried about me. Nice people that work in this restaurant. That's why I always come here alone and feel at peace when I eat here.

So now I'm home thinking about why this hurts so much. The first thing that comes to mind is an incident that happened on a New York City train many, many years ago. I was taking the train from Brooklyn to Manhattan to get to school one morning and it was crowded as fuck. I was right against the pole, hanging on, completely packed in by people. I feel a hand grab my crotch. "What the fuck!" I try to pull away but there is NO room. I look to see who is grabbing me and out of the sea of Asian women and "Working Girl" looking Italian "Guidettes" I see a middle aged guy staring at me. I try to move away but I can't and he keeps rubbing on my crotch. I was afraid to say anything because I wasn't out, I wasn't comfortable with my sexuality even a little bit, and I was fucking embarrassed as fuck. So I shot him the nastiest fucking look and just tried, unsuccessfully, to squirm away from him.

I managed to pull away at the next stop and got off the train, even though it was no where near my stop. I can't tell you how fucked up I was over this incident. I felt completely violated and somehow guilty and deserving it at the same time. Like the fact that I was a fucking queer (like I said, I was no where near accepting who I really was and being proud of it) and I somehow had this coming to me. I just wanted to go home and kill myself (a thought I had frequently back then, growing up in Bensonhurst Brooklyn during the "Saturday Night Fever" period when fags where sick bastards that deserved to die.) I can't believe those same feelings came up again tonight. I thought I was comfortable in my skin. I thought I had that all worked out.

After typing this all out I am also very mad now. Hoping that bad things happen to this guy and he feels as violated as I do. This is not me. I pray and meditate several times a day. I try to be a good, loving, giving, enlightened person at all times. I put others before myself because that is the way you are supposed to live life.

But right now I just want to rip this fuckers little dick off and shove it down his throat and then piss down his throat. Nice. I don't like thinking like this. Well, everyone have a great Folsom weekend and please, if you come to the Folsom Street Fair, or any of the parties that I was supposed to go to, and now have no fucking desire to go to, think twice before you come up to me and grope me, without even acknowledging that I am a fucking human being because I just might snap.

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Me directing on the streets of San Francisco

Here I am on the Castro corner yesterdat directing a scene for new the Factory Video BBRT movie "Cruising for a Breeding" that I'm in production with. Can you guess what Patrick O'Connor and Jerry Stearns did after they walked off? Ya... I think you guessed right. This really is going to be one HOT movie!

Thursday, September 13, 2012

One Hot Dog!

OMG. I am sitting at my desk here at Factory Video and I turn around to find one of the dogs here in the office looking at me with a HUGE boner and leaking pre-cum everywhere! I'm hoping that the video I am editing was the reason behind his outpouring of... well cum.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Pumping it out

Life has been pretty freakin busy this past week. All good though! About 1/2 hour ago I just finished filming the 2nd scene for the new bareback cruising movie I am directing for the new Factory Edge line here at Factory Video. The weather was HOT here in San Francisco so I took advantage of it and I filmed outside. Gotta say it got hotter than hell when Antonio Biaggi and Dylan Hyde started going at each other. I attached a couple of photos that I snapped with my iPhone here.

The other day I filmed the 1st scene for the movie with Morgan Black and James Roscoe. The two of them were all over each other and it will really come across when you see the edited scene.

I CAN'T WAIT for this film to be finished and for my editing (Ya... I do my own editing too) to be complete. I have really been working on my directing and camera skills and I hope you guys notice it!

The first couple of scenes that I directed and did camera work for here at Factory Videos was just released and it was really nice to have my name as Director on the cover. I'm still fairly new at this and I'm like a little kid when this kind of stuff happens. The movie is called Wilton Manors Cum and it's under our Blue Alley Studios label. It brings Damon Dogg back to the role that he started here many, many years ago... Cocksucking Cum Whore. You guys already know how good he is at that and he brings it to another level in this one. I'll let you guys know as soon as I see it online so you can check it out.

Well, back to work now. Gonna clean up the "mess" from today's shoot (I might just use my tongue for that) and then get back to editing the scene with Morgan and James. I'll be back with a new post real soon. I promise!

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Big Storm, Big Sterns, and Loads of Work

I'm sitting here in bed here at home and finally getting a chance to do an update. The past week has been CRAZY and I'm completely exhausted. The trip to New Orleans for Southern Decadence got screwed up royally thanks to hurricane Issac and Southwest Airlines. The whole crew from Factory Videos was supposed to be going, but in the end, it only ended up being my boss, myself, and Patrick OConner (see his photo on the cannon below). I was really upset that my buddy Damon Dogg didn't get to go! I was supposed to get there on Thursday evening but I ended up getting there Saturday evening after cancelled flights, multiple trips to multiple airports, broken down planes, and screw-ups by Southwest Airlines. They really, really suck! It's sad because the people that work there are so nice. Even getting home last night we were thrown off of the plane in Las Vegas without an explanation and stranded for hours. But thank God I'm home now!

The hurricane put a damper on Southern Decadence and all the porn companies that were supposed to be there to provide entertainment cancelled. I think we were the only ones who actually broke our ass to get there. We had a booth at the Phoenix Eagle during their nighttime street event and we also ran the CumUnion party. Being so short staffed it was so much work! Thankfully, a buddy of mine Erick, who lives there, volunteered his time and worked his ass of with us. What an AWESOME guy!

The week started out so well, when I filmed a GREAT shoot with Damon Dogg and the legendary Jerry Sterns. He's not an exclusive at Treasure Island Media any more and it was so good to work with him. He's rocking the ripped, muscle daddy look and his dick is HUGE! Damon put together a trailer for the shoot already and you can watch it below. (You should be able to click and make it full screen.) I gotta say I'm pretty proud of my camera work on this one! Check out Damon's site by clicking HERE if this video preview here doesn't work or if you want to check out the whole video.

Well, off to finally eat something and head to the gym. Tomorrow is another busy day at Factory Video when I'll be shooting a scene with Morgan Black and James Roscoe. THAT should be fun! Directly below is the Jerry Sterns preview video. Enjoy.