Saturday, September 29, 2012

Get a life

I found myself feeling lost, sad and alone yesterday and not really sure why. I mean life is going SO WELL for me right now and I've been super happy. It took some soul searching to figure it out... and I did.

I guess I've spent all my time for quite a while completely focusing on work and taking on many, many projects. At the same time I was taking care of my dad, my ex, and friends. I was busy all the time and doing really well with staying on top of it all. I tend to do very well under pressure. Now that I just finished the movie I was working on, and everyone is gone, I find that I don't really have a life. Its kind of like crashing from drugs... and NO, I don't do drugs. Going from this big, emotional, intense rush to a big, numb, emptiness.

Gotta step back and take time to make solid friends and connections instead of just retreating to my couch with my dog, having a martini, and heading to bed. I'm a shy person, not the character I play in porn videos, so it takes a lot for me to go out and meet people. Add to that the fact that many people here recognize me and just assume I'm the Nick Moretti character I play and I very rarely even end up talking with anyone when I go out to a bar. That's ok because I don't really like going to bars anyway. I get bored fast and the noise, the pushing and the drunk people being sloppy all kind of annoy me.

But I have to go out to meet people. And I do go out... I go to the movies and dinner by myself a lot and watch all the families, couples and friends having fun. A lot of times I run into groups of friends... or people I consider my friends... and it hurts that I wasn't invited to join them. This actually happens a lot. And it's not for lack of trying. There are only so many times you can invite people do do things with you, and try to insert yourself into their plans, before feeling like a fool and finally giving up.

So now that I will finally have some free time to myself I have to find a better way to connect with people. I'm really getting into my artwork and directing so maybe I need to search out some people with similar interests. There seem to be a lot of them here. And I need to get back to my meditation classes at the Buddhist center (although I've found that the members of the group here in San Francisco were not very friendly and seemed really guarded and stand-offish). I also need to get back to my church again as well. I had just started to go back on Sundays when my dad got sick and my relationship tanked.

Anyway, after rambling on, and on, my point is... I gotta get a fucking life. Wish me luck.


Wesley said...

I really wish I lived in The City, Nick. If I did, I would definately have you over for dinner, and probably at least once a month if not more. I love having people over for dinner.

Unknown said...

U should always take care of yourself first, otherwise you won't have the strength to take care of others. Take it from someone who has taken care of my sister, my ex, two kids, and three dogs.

Anonymous said...

Well thought out and said! A life is a terrible thing to waist. Having friends involves being friendly, so work through the shyness, and as you mentioned, do it with people with similar interests, where you will be happy with the results! e

Stan said...

I can relate to this post and how you feel. I can't seem to meet people either. I'm 61 y/o in relatively good shape (I'm working on it) and can't stand bars either. I just want a friend or friends I can talk to and hang with sometimes. I'm a homebody too and I know that's my problem of just staying in but I don't know where to go. I'm shy too and I think I just send out the wrong vibe to people sometimes.
I think it's hard for some folks to understand how it can be sometimes.

Jambrea said...

(((hug))) I know how you feel. I
really do. Sometimes going to dinner and movies by yourself can suck. And it does make you feel lonely. Being shy myself I totally feel your pain. It's Sat night and where am I? At home watching Supernatural with MY stinky dog. lol Good luck to you!!!

Comicsfan said...

As someone who appreciates his down time, try not to discount the importance of taking a break in the routine and indulging in some personal time and enjoying the R&R. It can be just as important for your mental health as the stimulation that comes from a busy schedule and an active social life. When I swim during my lunch hour, for instance, it clears my head and sends me back to my office refreshed. Retreating to the couch with your dog may make it seem like you have little else to fill your life when there are no demands on you; but on the other hand, pets are wonderful companions and "center" you like nothing else can. (And think how much your pup appreciates the one-on-one time with you!)

Damien said...

I have no doubt you can do it.

It's scary and daunting - but you're a smart man.

If you ever feel uncomfortable - remove yourself - take stock - then try again.

Shalom mate.

PS I am also "rediscovering" meeting people - it isn't easy - but can be done.

Anonymous said...

good luck in your life!

life's always an adventure, you don't know who u will meet today/tonite, as a friend/lover/casual acquaintance....

take me for instance, u will not know who i'm....

Orion said...

Hey Nick, I am sorry I missed you at Folsom. I don't go to bars anymore, as I am burned out on them so now, I like to hang at home and watch movies, workout at the gym, movie theaters and just hang out on the couch and cuddle with someone..If I had someone to do that with.. I hope to meet you someday. Take care and hope to hear from ya soon..Orion

Anonymous said...

Joining the club of shy and therefore lonely people from the above, I know how it feels... I wish you lots of luck, Nick, you can do it!

- Liubov.

Indigo said...

You need a hug!

Anonymous said...

I say do what makes u happy u only live once. Trust me i know i work for a hospice group. I have learned no matter ur age u can do anything it may not be easy but u can do it. nick who ever gets to call u their partner will be a lucky man

Anonymous said...


I have read your blog now for at least two years and this post moved me to the point I need to comment. I so relate to this post. We all play a role at work. You play Nick Moretti, super sexy actor director but you're a real person beyond it all. I play an extrovert at work and totally crippled by shyness outside of work. I wish you were in LA as I'd be your loyal friend for life. Wishing you so much luck, love, and happiness

Your loyal friend,


Anonymous said...

Wow. You know I thought that if I moved to a city that was more liberal (than the stupid cities in Texas...besides Austin kind of) that friends, gay friends particularly, may be easier to find and have. This post has really made me think that it would be just as hard. My bf and I have been together for 3 years, and yet I still feel lonely as does he fairly often because of how hard it is to make friends...especially after college.

So far, the best thing that has worked for me has been having friend with similar interests.
It made me feel better that you feel lonely too! I think a lot of things in this society have worked together to make a close community a pretty tough idea to realize.

Well anyway, I've lately gotten into fantasy novels and they are a great way to not just sit around wondering what to do besides going to a bar for a shitty chat with jerk. lol

If your interests ever involve fantasy novels or African Violets, post up here and you'll have a friend with a similar interest! :)

buzzed ben said...

I habe read your blog for ages and I know you are a wonderful and kind person. This person had no right to violate you like this and shame on the manager for allowing him to do so. Even in the UK this kinda behavior would no be allowed. I just wish I was closer to give you a big hug and tell you how special you are. Thanks for entertainment and thoughts in you blog. love and kisses ben

Unknown said...

Know that your true friends and loved ones are always here for you.
You got a Marine backing you up!
Gay Marine and proud of it!
(JoeCarTyme as seen on twitter) <----me