Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Nick Moretti and the Box of Death

I got home from work last night to find the rat playing under the t-shirts in my closet again. This time I was determined to solve the problem. My intention was to chase it out the patio doors into my backyard and away from my house. It didn't quite go that way though.

I managed to chase it from my closet into my bedroom, where it hit under the dresser. I moved the dresser and chased it into the hallway and then into my "family room" (of course I don't have a family so it's really not a family room at all). It took refuge under my couch until I lifted the couch and he ran... in the wrong direction. It started running back towards my bedroom.

So I dropped the couch and stepped quickly toward the rat while swinging my foot at it to try to kick him back towards the patio doors. I guess I kicked a little too hard because the rat screamed. I had hurt him. He was stunned for a second and then started to scurry away again. Instinctively, I took off my shoe and beat it to death.

Ugh. I fucking killed me. I still don't know why I did it. I NEVER kill animals. EVER!!! Since I've been taking the Buddhist classes I don't even kill bugs. When I had a window replaced last year 100's of flies and bugs got into the house. I actually went around catching them and releasing them outside. Now I beat a rat to death. I even had to clean blood off my floor and wall. Damn.

I was so shaken afterward and actually had tears in my eyes. I grabbed my blender, poured in some Mudslide mix, added triple the amount of recommended coconut rum, and tried to drown out the thoughts of what just happened.

When I felt a little calmer I scooped up the dead body and put it in a cardboard box that I found in my garage with the name Debbie written on it. I didn't write the name on it. Don't know why it's there. Maybe the rat's name was Debbie and fate had it's death box waiting for her in my garage. For some reason I felt the need to tape the box shut tightly. Like it was going to come back to life and get revenge on my when I was sleeping. I put the box outside my door for the night and this morning, on my way to the hospital, I kept it on the floor of my truck (which I had actually cleaned yesterday).

I left the dead rat in my truck while I went into hospital to get my pre-op tests. Didn't realize they were going to take so long and I started to think that maybe I would come back to some dead, decaying smell. Thank God I didn't.

Here's a picture of the latest hospital fashion. I wish I could have gotten a shot of the back because the back of that thing didn't close and I don't wear underwear. I hope that view was at least a little better than the front view.

Anyway, my pee was yellow. My blood was red. My heart was beating. And my lungs were pumping. So I guess I'm all ready for my surgery next week.

Unless Debbie the rat comes back to kill me in my sleep before then. I wonder if it's too early in the day to blend up a pitcher of mudslides.


Anonymous said...

poor rat!!

Anonymous said...

good luck with hospital! i had my gall bladder out recently and i was a scaredy cat...... nurses terrify me1 :)

Cristián said...

You write so well, and keep getting better and better at it every day.
This post today, so simple yet so honest, it comes delightful to read.

All the best thoughts and wishes for your upcoming surgery.

James said...

Get a cat so he'll kill the rats! I think you are fighting a war that you will not win with Mr. Rat.
Good luck with your surgery. HUGS!!
James from Iowa

Anonymous said...

I agree will James, get a cat--a big cat. That should help with that situation. Don't feel bad about killing it. The rat (Debbie) could have bit you or Cynder during the night. It could have given you the swine flu. (Just kidding)

I want to know who the your photo at the hospital?? Lucky person. No matter what you wear, you still look HOT.

Have a GREAT evening!!!
Goodguy Bear

Anonymous said...

Who took your photo at the hospital?


Stan said...

I know how you feel Nick. I'm the same way about killing animals. I'm devastated when I run over a squirrel. I think you just naturally reacted to the situation that's all. Your forgiven.
Seriously think about an indoor cat. We had mice in this old house for a long time until I replaced my beloved cat who died. She's a great mouser. However that's a pretty big rat compared to the standard house mice. I'm sure there's more where he came from.
Good luck with the surgery. I've had 2 open hearts already so I've got you beat! You'll be fine.

Sue said...

That is a huge female rat from what I can see. Don't those exterminators carry a warantee? It is not easy to kill a rat that size. What an animal you must be!!! Kidding! Good for you!

Best of luck with your surgery. I've had brain surgery and lived to tell the tale and so you will just be fine. You'll be fit as a fiddle and ready for love after this!

Um... So why didn't you have your picture taken from the back??? Hmm?

Curtis said...

All kidding aside, I hope your surgical procedure goes well and I hope this is the end of you little marsupial friend problem.

Kristie~ said...

Oh Nick, I feel bad for you. My family hates that I won't kill spiders. I either leave them alone or put them outside. I won't kill them. *sigh* It'll be okay. Debbie the rat is chewing someones clothes in rat heaven. LOL

I hope your surgery goes well. Good luck there.


Anonymous said...

Damn Nick you giving us the dead rat, messy truck, and the huge knot on your palm...good lord my stomach can only take so much...


gpcrush said...

Poor Debbie. Poor you for having to go there. *pets*

I love your hospital couture. Soon you'll be all fixed up and good to go!


Pick said...

Oh those hospital things are so awful, but you actually can almost pull it off and look hot. I think they're designed to make you feel totally subservient, degraded and dorky ... like being in the hospital isn't bad enough. The easy access could come in handy though. ;o{)

I feel bad for the rat but at least her last sight on this earth was of you ... I bet she died happy. "This guy might be beating the shit outta me with his shoe, but damn he's cute!" Hopefully her next incarnation will be a better one.

Got a new nickname for ya btw ... "the Ratinator!" Yeah, I know ... totally bad but it's late and I'm running on fumes.

I'm not sure what I would have done in that same situation. It's funny to "hear" you tell the story, but I know I too would have been distraught had I had to do that. I'm a huge wuss when it comes to animals and that would have totally freaked me out. Not a big enough martini in the world to make me feel better in that moment.

I hope all the other rats in your vicinity have heard that the Ratinator is in town, and are bothering someone else now instead of you. ;o{)