Sunday, March 15, 2009

Send me a sign

So yesterday's "Win a date with a Porn Star" event was... Hell, I don't know how it was.

The organizers didn't organize it. Tim, Matt, Luke and I hung out and waited for it to start and after about 2 hours Tim went to find out what was up. Nothing was up. One of the guys running the thing got up from his lunch, grabbed the "Brief Encounters" videos that we were giving away, and ran to the stage. He really did a great job hosting the thing but I guess he didn't know it was a fund raising event. So he introduced us, one by one, and shouted out "Who wants a video and this Porn Star". First Matt, then Luke (Damn can he work a crowd!), then Tim and then me. When someone raised their hand he called them to the stage and we handed them the video and gave them a hug... or a hump... or whatever they were in the mood for. No mention of a date or anything. It really was a lot of fun even if we didn't raise any money.

Unfortunately, the day went downhill quickly from there. Most of my friends were leaving for the Sea Monster (they have a great T-Dance on Sunday) and I got in my truck and pulled away. I got to the light and my ex pulls up next to me. I think he could have burned a whole through me with the look he gave. My heart sank and that was it for me. I was tired anyway, so I decided to head home and do my food shopping, some more house cleaning, and meditate before bed.

I tried not to obsess about the ex encounter, but it was my third one that weekend. Almost 8 years and he didn't want to go out with me. Now that we're not together he is out all the time. And going to the places he knows I will be at when I'm there. So I've been trying not to go out to avoid running into him. I'm not ready for that. I don't know if I ever will be.

The first encounter was when I went to do a favor for one of his friends. I was lost finding the house and passed by his car. The second time was on Saturday night. I went out to dance by myself for a couple of hours at a place I knew he would not be at and someone came up to me and said "I just saw your boyfriend dancing at Jackhammer." I responded with, "You know he's not my boyfriend anymore." "Ya... I know", he said. "And you know we ended on bad terms... right?" "Ya" he responded. "So why the fuck would you come over and tell me where he is and what he is doing?" He laughs. "I don't think it's funny. In fact, if you could make it a point to never mention him again... or better yet, just never speak to me again when you see me out, that would be great." I punched the wall behind his head and walked away. It was the kind of place where you could punch a wall and not look out of place.

So after the "Win a date" thing I went to the supermarket near my house. It's depressing there. It's close to a HUGE old age community and everyone there is over 80 years old. Seriously. It's like night of the living dead as the old people shuffle along, pushing their carts or accidentally shuffling along with your cart. And they are usually fighting with each other or the store clerks. And they fart. They fart a lot. And shopping alone always gets to me. It reminds me that I am alone. Thank God for the dog. She got the food she likes (this week) and some new Oatmeal Shampoo. As I shopped I tried to put myself in a better mood. I prayed. I pray a lot actually. I told God... the Universe... whatever energy you want to insert here... that I trusted him and that I knew that whatever happens is meant to be. That whatever suffering I am feeling is something that I have to go through to get to a better place. I would follow the lead of the Universe. And I also asked if he could throw me a little bone. Just to let me know I was right in what I was thinking.

About 10 minutes later I walked out of the store, pushing my cart full of soy milk, soy chicken, soy corn dogs and soy meatballs (Ya... I eat a lot of soy). As I pushed the cart towards my truck I glanced up in time to see a huge streak of light go across the sky. It was beautiful. It started at the bottom with a deep, glowing red, then a bright orange that faded to a bright yellow and then a very bright white. At first thought I had lost my mind, but then I occurred to me that the Space Shuttle was supposed to launch this weekend. I've seen it from the highway during the daytime, but seeing it in the evening was just amazing. Just beautiful. It reminded you of how big we are that we can actually propel ourselves into space. And how small we are in that the space we explore is so infinitely smaller than the Universe as a whole. It was awesome. It was just what I asked for.

Funny how things like that fade so quickly. Amazing events turn into just something that happened a short while ago. Then into a vague memory. Life's worries race right back in and take center stage. They demand the focus of your intention. By the time I was unpacking my bags at home I was obsessing again. Not a thing I wanted to continue. So I made myself a salad and some "Asian Soy Patties" and I sat on the couch with my dog as I ate dinner. I thought about the good things in my life and the things I could do to stop me from obsessing. I remembered that I took a picture of the Shuttle launch with my iPhone and I sent it to my email to post later. You can see the photo at the top of this post. Then I cleaned up, let the dog out, and set the bed for sleeping. Cynder and I hoped in, I switched on my iPod Nano and listened to a meditation on healing. On letting go of hurt and anger. I can't say it did the job one hundred percent, but it got me through the night. Sometimes that's good enough.

And it's a beautiful day today. The kind of day you only find in South Florida in the Spring. Sunny and warm. It's hard to feel sad during these days. I keep telling myself that.


Samaranx said...

Hey there Nick,

damn... sometimes I just wanna hug you and make you forget all the hurt and pain you feel.
Sometimes you just have to hide from the world to have the time to heal.

*hugs with love*

James said...

It's James from Iowa. Wish i could help. If you don't have to frequent the same places as your ex, stay away until you get better. Sounds like HE has a problem anyway.

All of US love you, Nick.


Stan said...

Be glad Nick that at least you live in beautiful south Florida. Waking up there every day would sure pick me up and put me in a good mood. I'm glad you and Cynder had a peaceful night. Please don't let your ex get to you. We love you Nick.

Anonymous said...

Hang in there Nick~~
Think about your travelling, read a book or watch a movie with your mates. Don't let him get you down now.

Keep your chin up now! :)

Nick Moretti said...

Thanks guys! I'm hanging in there. Just trying to move ahead and stay positive. I think I can see the light at the end of this murky tunnel. :-)