Tuesday, March 17, 2009


I was feeling pretty good when I got home last night. I did a meditation based on "The Laws of Attraction" and things seemed to be flowing well. One good thing after another. I skipped LaBamba and the gym because I didn't want to take a chance of running into my ex and feeling bad again. So I did some yard work with my dog and then called an old friend and asked if he wanted to have a margarita and some Mexican food in Boca. He did and we had a great time. It turns out it was his birthday too! I didn't even know that when I called him.

Then I got home and found something that threw things off balance. It brought back all the sad feelings I was having yesterday. It made my heart heart and my mind race. It was probably not meant to do that... but it did.

Today I went to the gym and worked out really hard, and I talked to some friends, and I ate a good lunch... just trying to recenter. Unfortunately, I'm still kind of shaky from last nights incident and I dropped my iPhone in a glass of water while I was eating lunch. It's fucked. This is my 3rd iPhone already. Ugh. I can't really live without it at this point so I guess I'm going to have to replace it... again.

That said... I am doing OK. Seriously. I'm not suicidal or severely depressed. I'm just very sad and obsessing. I just need to keep doing what I'm doing till I feel better. Till I heal. I know that. Then I can move on with my life.

Whenever I do an introspective post it comes off it comes off as me being desperate and suicidal. I get emails from readers who are very, very worried that I'm going to off myself. Don't worry, I'm not. The comments and emails that I receive make me feel so great. They remind me that there are good, caring people out there. Even though a great majority of these people have never met me and probably never will, it feels like they are friends. Like they honestly care. It really touches my heart at a time when it needs some TLC.

I guess the part of the reason my posts seems to alarm people is that I write well. I've always had a flair for writing since I was very, very young. I remember winning an award for this really depressing story about a little bird who couldn't connect with the world. He felt completely alone. In the end it turned out the bird had died a long time ago and didn't realize it. He just couldn't let go and move on. Of course everyone else was writing about how much they liked ice cream or why they wanted a pony.

In college I had a triple major: Journalism, Art, and Computer Science. Combine the three things and that's exactly what I do for a living. I originally started out majoring in just Journalism, but I hated editing down my work. Hated stripping out the emotion till it was just facts. I love to write! I hated Journalism.

Another thing about the way I write is that I can usually communicate exactly the way I feel. I am very in touch with my emotions. It's a blessing and a curse. It tugs at people's hearts because they can recall when they have experienced the same emotions, but it also makes some people worry that I am at the end of my rope. Trust me... I'm not always depressed. I'm usually a very optimistic person. And I reconnected with my spiritual (not religious) side a little over a year ago and draw on that when I am feeling very down.

You know how when you are having an argument with someone, and they say something that really gets to you, sometimes you just draw a blank. You are so mad or dazed that you don't know how to respond? Well, I don't know that feeling. I can usually always come up with the exact response needed in that situation. I can connect with what I'm feeling and communicate it in pretty much any situation. When I was in couple's therapy with my ex he was usually clobbered during our conversations. Communication was his weak point. It was never a fair fight.

OK... another post where I babble on and on and on. Ugh. Sorry. I'll stop now. Maybe I should have paid more attention to the editing portions of the Journalism classes that I hated so much. I promise that this will be the last long, depressing post for a while. As payback for it making all the way through this long boring post here are a couple of photos I took with my now dead iPhone from the latest Bound Gods shoot I did with the amazingly HOT Derrek Diamond a couple of weeks ago. That video should be out in a few weeks.


Anonymous said...

dont feel bad I am on my 4th IPOD.......keep marching on its the only way .....you doing great .....and its only the beginning......
Diamond is hot and I cant wait to see my scene come to life on Bound Gods......Ned

James said...

Hi Nick, it's James from Iowa. You can babble on all you want and I'll read it. Sorry about your IPOD..do they offer insurance for replacement? Have you ever heard the saying "This too shall end"? That's what I would tell myself when I was depressed. HUGS!!!!

Samaranx said...

Hey there Nick,

wow... and I thought losing and getting my phone back twice a year was bad. At least I don't kill my phones. *s*

Don't worry about posting 'depressing' things. It's your way of coming to yourself and connect with your feelings and maybe inner demons. Dare I say, it's kinda meditation, too.

Some things are meant to be, other aren't. And in your posts we see, that you know, who you are. You have weak times and strong times, but you never really lost yourself.

And man... you really can express yourself. I'm fascinated how you can write such posts without failing to touch us.
That's one of the points I like about your blog... and you. You write how you see and experience the things and nothing else. Nothing overdone, no bad words.
... argh... here my english fails...

So... what did I wanna say again?
I like you... so just be yourself and don't care what others might say. It's your life, your point of view and f**k them, if they have to put in their bad comments. It's just their way they are... you life your live. They live their life.

Enough bubbling from me for today.
*hugs of love*

Stan said...

Your NEVER boring Nick. Write whatever you want and I'll read it. It makes sense to me now that you majored in journalism. You have an excellent way of expressing your feelings in writing. I loved that story about the bird. Sometimes I feel like that bird too. I don't think of you as being suicidal or depressed, your just human. I'm always amazed at the intricate rigging in the Bound Gods videos. Who ever does all the rope work is very talented!

Sue said...

Don't let a little thing like an iPhone throw your life off balance even for a moment. These little problems are just part of the whole of life. I know it's a bummer, but it's the cost of being here and enjoying the ride. No reason to lose one's centering.

Nick Moretti said...

Nick here...
Believe it or not... my iPhone started working again last night! Usually, once it gets wet it's gone for good. Not sure why it's working exactly but I'm happy it is! And NO they don't sell insurance for the iPhone. The iPhone situation did not throw me off balance. I learned long ago that those kind of problems are so small and fixable in the grand scheme of things. In fact, it was kind of nice being unreachable for a while. I think I might actually start switching off the phone for a while every now and then. Maybe even this weekend.

Pick said...

Glad to see the phone is working again.
I was going to say last night when I first saw this post that with a regular cell phone it's possible to dry out the sim card in the oven at a VERY low temperature. A friend of mine dropped hers in the toilet (tee hee) and fortunately has a boyfriend who knew the secret to fixing a soggy phone.

Again, I don't know if that's possible with an iPhone too or not. Might check it out though for the next time it goes scuba diving. ;o[)

Unknown said...

I really enjoy reading your blog. You do write very well and sometimes it's good therapy to get your thoughts down on paper. Keep writing and sharing your thoughts with the rest of us. You're human, and a damn good looking one at that.

Stan said...

"damn good looking".....You got that right Leonard!

Curtis said...

"it feels like they are friends. Like they honestly care. It really touches my heart at a time when it needs some TLC."

I DO care.

Anonymous said...

Hey Nick. You really do have a way with words and prose, very touching and human... it's nice to see a 'porn star' be honest with their writing and everything not being 'fabulous.' That said, i'm kinda shocked no one pointed out that having an answer, reply, explanation to anything that is said to you is a really bad thing. No one has all the answers, only fools know everything. When someone finally lets you in, as in a couple therapy session, the worst thing you can do is have a explanation to all they express. Isn't that the point of meditation...? To find some peace and try to see things from someone else's point of view?

Just a thought. Love your blog and cheers,