Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Melancholy Christmas and a box of death

I'm keeping it real simple for the holidays this year. Just me and my dog. Oh... and the birds too. I'm probably going to go to church on Christmas Eve and I might go to see the movie "Nine" on Christmas Day with some friends and then hang out. That's about it. I really don't have a family and none of my friends seem to be doing anything big this year either. It's that kind of year.

I'm not depressed or anything, but I can't say I'm overjoyed either. Melancholy. I guess that's the word that sums it up. It's been a rough year filled with surgeries, the loss of a long-term job, heartbreak and betrayal, and many, many changes. It's also been a year of great personal growth, the addition of some new skills, some great new opportunities, and many successes. Just another year, I guess.

The boxes of Christmas decorations were still on my garage floor from last year, so I opened a couple of them and put some really cheesy decorations around the house. One of the boxes had a whole bunch of Christmas stockings that I have collected over the years. Each stocking with the name of someone dear to me proudly displayed in silver glue-glitter. I remember making each and every one of them. Sad part is, most of the people connected with them are dead. I posted a picture of a few of them here, but there are many more.

So what do you do with the Christmas stockings of the dead? I couldn't quite bring myself to hang them up. Someone told me to hang them and remember the good times and love connected with them. Unfortunately, there are not to many good memories and good feelings that are attached to them. An ex-lover who cheated on me with my best friend and half of New York, blamed me for it ("Well, you stopped going to the gym."), and then died years later. My chain smoking, cancer filled, oxygen mask wearing, abusive, unmedicated, paranoid schizophrenic mother who's last words to me before she totally lost her mind were, "You are going to die all alone in the dark, with the blinds closed, with no one there for you." A stocking for my "father" a "man" I didn't even know was my father until 10 years after he died. Not too many good memories connected there.

But I wrote their names in glue. And I sprinkled the glitter on. Turning simple, store-bought red stockings into pretty, heartwarming mementos. Even if they were not that in reality. I guess I've always tried to make pretty things out of the ugly. Good memories out of the bad. Love out of hate or indifference.

So I pulled out the stocking for my dog Cynder and closed the box. I'll open it again when I have to put the cheesy decorations strewn around my house back in. And I'll scoop out the stockings of the dead. And I'll throw them out. Sometimes glue and glitter just isn't enough to brighten up the darkness. Sometimes you need to clear out the junk that's casting the shadows. Let some new light shine in. A new year is just around the corner.


Doug said...

Beautiful, moving post, Nick. This is why you are one of my favorite bloggers. I hope you have a great time with your friends on Christmas, and I hope the new year treats you better than the last one. said...

Thanks for sharing a bit of your life with fans. Enjoy your friends and have a wonderful Christmas together and I wish you a very healthy, prosperous 2010.

wdavi said...

Happy Holidays Nick! I'm looking forward to seeing the movie Nine too!

Anonymous said...

you could just burn them?

Anonymous said...

wow.... 'you stopped going to the gym'....that is why I don't date.

Gay culture is superficial.... if he was dissatisfied, all he had to do would say I'm not happy anymore, and I want to break up. Chickenshit

I fucking hate that... and thankfully, it has never happened to me. Cause' if it did, i'd lose my fucking mind.

blacknoon said...


What a touching post. One of the things I admire about you is you're really good at making lemonade from the lemons life throws at you.

Take your stocking and give them to charity and instead of dark memories you can have good memories that you lifted someone else's spirits and brought a little joy in their life.

Dealing with items from late loved ones is very difficult. I deal with it every day without my 'hubby'. It's been just over eight years and I still cry from time to time. It does get better and it helps a lot when he comes to me and lets me know he's there. Usually he pokes or brushes my hair.

Christmas isn't about toys and presents but respecting one guy who stuck his neck out and took a lot of flak and eventually died for it. All for everyone elses sake. Do I have such courage? Hell no and could never thank him enough.

Hugs and kisses and may the new year be blessed and profitable!


Robert A. Geise said...

You are amazingly eloquent when you want to be.

Anonymous said...

What an amazing man you are, Nick Moretti! You are a gifted writer and I look forward to reading more entries from you in 2010. Celebrate Christmas with your friends, hug your dog, and know that we wish you happiness, health and prosperity in the new year.

How I wish I could post "Melancholy Christmas..." on my own blog.

Pick said...

Thanks Nick. A really lovely, touching post. You have such an amazing way of letting people in, and sharing what's in your heart ... please don't ever lose that!

HUGS to you and Cynder!

starbman said...

Merry Christmas, Nick!
That is a great post! Touching, real. That style, as well as the fun & superfluous, is why I need to check your blog everyday!

You know, I had a rough, ugly time in gread school. When I graduated, I "ceremoniously" hung my lab coat on abranch & put a match to it - incinerating the badness. As nuts as it may sound, it relieved me of that "burden." I still have the memories, but not pain. It was a definite end so I could startdown a new road.

& have a Happy Healthy New Year!

Jesse E said...

Looking forward to hearing about the great things that this year is going to bring, Old Man. But, may I suggest stuffed animals as pets from now on? Less digging involved.