Thursday, September 9, 2010

What can I say?

Honestly, what can I say? I'm afraid to talk about what's going on. The "friends" involved read my blog. And I am not trying to open up this can of worms any further. I'm not trying to hurt anyone. So I'm not going to mention details of what a nightmare this last week has been, the trip to New Orleans, and what a nightmare it continues to be. I ended my last post by saying I was ready to kick some ass. Well... I got mine kicked instead.

After being in New Orleans for only a few hours, I ended up having to get out of the place I was staying and get my own hotel (which I can't afford) for the whole trip. Two situations with two separate people were playing themselves out at the same time. Both bad. Both over the top. WAY over the top.

I got home to find one situation was worse than I thought. And I did what I thought I had to do to stop it. I took action... to save someone I love. Even if they didn't think they needed saving. It fucking tears me apart. And in the end I ended up being the bad guy.

Days later and I am still numb. The emails and texts keep coming. I'm the bad guy. I only hope someone does for me what I did for someone I love if that situation ever occurs. I'm so tired of helping people and ending up the bad guy. Funny part is.... they are surrounded by friends. They have people around them now to help them through their problems. For one of them because of my actions. For the other in spite of his actions. And I'm here alone... with the words "fuck you" still echoing through my head. And my heart.

So I'm trying not to obsess. Trusting that what I did was the right thing on all accounts. Trying to move on from this mess. Not even my mess really. The summer storms produced a huge rainbow over my neighborhood. One of my favorite restaurants served up some of my favorite foods. And the woman at the local nail shop pampered my feet and made them look nice for my shoot tomorrow with Ryan Raz for Men Over 30. Or Extra Big Dicks. I'm really not sure. Just trying to move on. I posted some photos I took below.

I have to give a sincere THANK YOU to everyone who sent messages of concern and support this past week. I really means a lot to me. More than you know. Much more than you know. Thank you.


D. W. said...

Well as long as you believe you did the right thing. It will come back to you! In the end, everything always works out for the good.


John said...

Tough break, Nick. You've had a series of bad breaks, and life keeps kicking you while you're down.

Don't apologize for doing what in your heart you knew was right.

My unsolicited advice: take a vacation. A real one, away from your house, video shoots, party weekends, gay meccas, and "friends". Yes, this also includes internet, this blog, and your phone. A quiet long weekend all to yourself, no distraction, to center yourself. The bastards are keeping you really sounds like you need to rebuild yourself.

keeprnla said...

Glad you are alright and are able to appreciate those small moments of beauty that can sustain us. Don't know what all the drama; don't need to, just hope it works out for the best in the long-run. Hope you were able to enjoy some of your trip. Again, glad you are well.

Sonja said...

Hi Nick,
I'm trying to find words to comfort you but sometimes words seem so little. The importent thing is, that you are convinced you did the right thing. You should always act, so that you are able to look at your own face in the mirror the next morning, even if this produces problems later. Sometimes this is not easy. But especially then, the person you really are appears. Stick to yourself! That is the best you can do and better times will occur. xoxo

Jambrea said...

Some times you just need a hug! ((((hug))))

I'm sorry you have drama and your friends have made you the bad guy.


Jacob said...

there are always people whom we want to save, but yet we end up hurting ourselves instead. sometimes, i feel, it's a test from The Mighty One Above to test how strong we really are.

Anything that doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.

Nick, stay strong(:

Jacob. your loyal fan.

Jim said...

Always read your amazing blog...never know what to say when times and life get I'll just send you a virtual hug instead :) Hang in there...the beginning of this year was not a great (or even good) one for me but the rest of it is looking I do know things turn around...but that's easy to forgot sometimes in the thick of things. Hug, Jim P.S. Glad to see you pampered yourself with great food and a pedicure.

Pick said...

Sorry to hear you've had a rough time of it. Good to see you're treating yourself right now that you're home though.

Wishing you many rainbows ahead but without the storm ahead of them!

Anonymous said...

I am sorry you were hurt by people you thought were your friends. I hope you heal soon

alleen said...

just be yourselve,when the storm is over all those people will see that you are not the bad guy.The truth will come out, even after many years.
Big hugs.

Anonymous said...

Dear Nick,

You are cute.

Feel better.

From: A fan.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Jasun mark said...

Well, buddy.. I know that you're a good guy when the chips are all down and i'll always have your back.

And you can come stay with me any time you want.

Anonymous said...

What can you say - and what can I? Man you're doing it tough at the moment - sometimes life seems to be full of obstacles and shitty things - looks like you're having a bit of that at the moment. I'm sorry you're going through it all - but it will pass - not much comfort I know, but it will change.


G-Baby said...

So glad to have to back baby! I assume by no posts that you are reading but not publishing - it's all good, as long as you're back with us. If I had any advice to give (and I'm sure you've received a lot), then it would be to not doubt your actions. If your reasoning of the situation was sound, your actions honest, and deep down in your gut it felt right, then you've done nothing wrong.

Just because people are adults doesn't mean they don't behave like children. It doesn't mean they know what is good for them or how to do the right thing. It's called choices, some of us make good ones and some don't. Unfortunately the end result is that we have to live with the outcomes of these choices and that is where the problems generally start.

More importantly, no one likes it when someone points out something wrong and is prepared to act on it - that's called accountability - you'd be surprised how many people hate it. Look, you're a guy who needs people and the personal interaction that goes with it. What people think about you profoundly affects what and how you think about yourself. If you could look into the future you would probably see that this all eventually turned out for the good, but as we can't ....

I could tell you not to let it get to you, to keep it all in perspective in the bigger scheme of life (hell I'm a dom I don't care what others think period), but the world needs people like you Nick, people who mentally and emotionally give a shit and are prepared to act on it. Hang in there, don't let anyone (even yourself) change who you are. Times a big healer and teacher. Just don't go silent for so long, even a "hey I'm still here" goes a long way to someone like me who has major control issues. Love ya

p.s was reviewing some of your past BG action to ward off the blog withdrawals till you came back to us - you are soooo hot!!!

Jacquie, Scotland, UK said...

Hi Nick

There's no point in making trite remarks like "just ignore them" or "things will get better". Cliches become cliches because they are true, none of that helps in the slightest when your heart and soul are hurting. Just try to remember that you have lots of folks out here thinking of you.

This might give you a giggle...inspired by the fabulous ink on your arm, I decided to pluck up the courage to have a second tattoo. This one is bigger than the first, it's 3"sq!!! No anaesthetic! I'm SSOOOO brave!!! 9 colours though...along with the black outline - hell, that's the part that hurts!!! ouch. Strangely though, it's a rainbow with a butterfly. Rainbows, for me, are a kick in the butt to remind me that I'm not alone in a heap of crap.

Try to take some time out, even if only in your head, for yourself. Better still, take some time to do what YOU enjoy (apart from the obvious) spend time with your animals and birds, work on some art for yourself.

Judging from the hilarious video, meditating whilst driving isn't the best idea! Just a wee bit "Nick time" a day might help.

Sending (platonic) hugs to you.


kevin said...

Nick: I know I don't really know you but through your blog feel like I "know" you - - if that makes sense. So when I read of you going through tough stuff I feel for you. As long as in your head and heart you feel you did what was right, that's the key. They will see it for that ...though it may not be for a long while. Hang in!

Triston said...

Nick, sorry to hear about all these terrible things that are going on in your life. I wish i could just take it all away and we could all be happy. I am sure what you did for someone you love was the right thing. Someday, this person will remember that and it will hit them.. Hope you have a great weekend and a great week next week. BIG HUG AND KISSES

your friend

Ms.Delva said...

I'm sorry to hear about the hellish week you've had. I think one of the most important life lesson I have learned is that in order to be good, sometimes you have to be bad; sometimes you have to be the one to take action and that action (though made with the best intentions) is not perceived as intended. Especially when "friends" are involved.

I know what it's like when stuff goes down and you do something that perceived as "bad" and then it's you against the world and people take sides and peoples judgment is so clouded that they can't see through their own bullshit to see where you're coming from and... .

I have only ever had one solution to this problem and that is to just cut everyone off; stop trying to get them to understand and leave it for what it is. Those who are really your friends will see your good intentions and move past it. Stop engaging what sounds like a pointless argument and leave the cattiness to others. If you stated your case and said all that you could say, then there's nothing else you can or should do, what happens next is up to them.

As far as this person you saved goes, most of the time people don't see the good in what you do until they really look back and reflect on it. Especially if it's someone you really care about. I can tell that you really care for this person if you're willing to put yourself in this position for their sake and if they care for you, then they'll see the good in what you did, in time.

I know it's hard but you just have to keep looking forward and keep doing what you think is right, even if it makes you unpopular. I know it sounds cliche but sometimes bad guys make the best good guys.

Sorry for the long message but I could tell that you really needed a kind word and assurance that what you did was right and as long as you believe in your heart that it was, then it was. I can tell that you have a very kind soul and as they say, "This too shall pass."
Don't let the people around you define you or hinder your pursuit of happiness or you'll never find it.


michelle m said...


as usual I find that I just wish I knew you in real life so I could hug you...cause you really seem like you need one. I am very glad that you were able to get a good meal in and some pampering...sometimes all we have to be thankfull for is the little things.

I am not sure as to what your refering to but I was once "the bad guy "girl") in a situation that involved my "friend" being hooked on meth...and he stole a bunch of my stuff betraying trust I sent him to jail and then he was sent to rehab. I didn't do this all to be a bad person...I did it because he needed someone to stop him and give him help to stop hurting those who trusted him and cared for him.

Which of course made me the horrible one never mind him abusing my trust and selling what he knew to be family heirlooms etc. My point is, even though the situation is completely different...I know what it is like to be the bad one while being motivated to help someone who refused to see they needed it.

You know, in your heart, that you were coming from a good place so please don't let anyone convince you otherwise. You are good person Nick...others see it and affirm it all the time,listen to them. It's going to be all right. This too, shall pass. I just may take a little time...