Saturday, September 11, 2010

Under the rock

It's Saturday night and this glamorous porn star is siting at home on his couch living the glamorous porn star life. Picked up some take-out sushi, heated up some sake, and finished it off with some hot chocolate while I watched the chick flick "Have you heard about the Morgans?"

I've actually rolled the rock from in front of the cave opening and rolled it on top of me. Close the safe space up a bit more. Guess I'll be digging a whole in the ground next, climb in, and roll the rock over on top of it.

I just went through all of the comments left the last couple of days and published them (hope I didn't delete any accidentally... sorry if I did). The last comment was from Michelle and it hit a nerve. She told me about how she became "the horrible one" after helping a friend who was addicted to meth and how, even though the situation was "completely different" from my current situation, she sympathized with me. Fact is... it not too far off.

My last posts have been these random, unexplained references to friends being out of control and the effects it was having on me. I might as well give a few details to connect some of the dots so that you guys don't think I'm a raving lunatic. Or at least more of a raving lunatic than I actually am. There are actually two situations and two separate, unrelated people causing my drama right now.

NOTE: I originally had two paragraphs describing what happened with "a friend" in New Orleans and that whole messed up situation. But I just got a nasty text message and some nasty emails with him calling me evil and horrible and threatening to call the papers and sue me. LOL. Sue me for what? Complaining about the way someone who is supposed to be my friend acted? Please! I don't need the drama. I want this person out of my life for good. I revised my post and took out the part that involved HIS drama. Not because I am afraid of being sued (that's just fucking stupid) but because I don't want any connection to this person any more and I want him to stop contacting me. Period. Now hopefully he will leave me alone once and for all. I tried. I tried really, really hard. Believe me.

The other situation started about 3 hours after I escaped from the place I was supposed to be staying (which somehow ended up with broken glass on the floor and blood on the bed that was supposed to be mine after I left). I used my phone to book a hotel (which I can not afford right now) and checked in. After a couple of hours of calming down I went out to one of the clubs to dance and let off some steam for a while. (Of course the whole time my cell phone was beeping with text messages of hate, love and suicide.) I planted myself in the middle of the dance floor, closed my eyes, and danced. While I was trying to get lost in the music I felt someone come up behind me and hug me. It was a friend of mine from LA. We hugged and both said how good it was to see each other again.

This encounter led to a completely unexpected encounter with a friend who is very important to me. Even though our relationship had been strained lately, he has and is the core of my life. And from this encounter I found out something that touched something very, very deep in me and pushed a very bad button. The friend brought up in conversation how he had been using meth.

WHAT THE FUCK!!!!! I have NO tolerance for that drug. Never have and never will. I have had to many people I love have their lives ruined by it. There is NO GOOD part about using the drug. And my friend knew, probably better than anyone else in my life, how strongly I felt about this. Of course my friend has his own free will and can do whatever he wants with his life.

We talked about the situation and it was bad. That is the very, very, very watered down version.

WHAT THE FUCK WAS I GONNA DO? I couldn't stand by and watch someone I love. Someone who's been the most important person in my life for a long, long time lose everything. My friend was not going to listen to me. He knows my absolute opinion and when we talked about it he told me that I was just closed minded. That he did the research on it. That his new "friends" were very nurturing. He painted such a positive picture of his meth situation. I could not be the one to fix this situation, especially given the state of our relationship.

When I got back home I found out more about my friends meth situation. Took some photos as proof, and I acted. I sent a message to his best friend, sent him the photos, and asked him to call me immediately. When he called back I told him the whole situation. He was going to handle the situation. I told him to please let me know how it went and to keep me updated on the progress.

They talked and I got a message saying so. No details at all. I then got a message from my friend saying that a couple of his friends had talked to him and that he understood why I did what he did. We talked many times after that and it all ended with him not having a problem, but stopping anyway, and me being the closed-minded bad one.

I can't give details, but the situation has been rough. Messages coming at me from my friend with the meth non-problem. And I'm the bad guy.

Things settled down today. I got only one email from the original friend with the fake suicide attempt. He said it would be his last one and that he hoped one day I could forgive him and we could be friends. The friend with the meth non-problem hasn't messaged me today. I hope he is doing OK and I hope he gets his life back on track. I really do think this will work out OK for my friend and I really do think he will stop using. I pray he does and would do anything to help him in his tough times (which he say's he doesn't have any). His best friend who I trusted to take care of the situation has not contacted me even once to let me know what happened or what is happening.

Of course I can't stop thinking about it. Even the rock on top of me doesn't block out the thoughts.

UPDATE... The "last message" from my original friend was not the last message. It was followed by two videos via email and some hate messages and threats. And it's me that's the bad guy. If I'm such a bad guy why can't he just stay away from me and leave me alone?


Jambrea said...

Man this is rough. I don't even have words. I'm just very happy you're doing what you feel is best. I hope that someday your friend with the 'non-meth' problem realizes what a good friend you really are. I hope you have someone you can talk all this out with. If you do...go to them. Let them help. Even if it is someone online that you've met and trust. Wish I was there to give you this in person.


joyroett said...


alleen said...

Hi Nick, please let the friend with the "non-meth"problem go. He needs professional help. And not the help of friends. I know where I am talking about. Mine younger brother, he has killed himself 9 years ago, was addicted to heroine for more than 25 years. And as long as they won't wanted to stop you cannot help them. They are really masters in lying. People who are addicted cannot be helped by someone as long as they dont believe that they have a problem. They can talk, so that you are going to think that you are wrong. So let your friend go, and just tell him that if he wants to stop you are there for him.
So big hugs, let him go, and if he is asking for help, then be there for him, and let him go to a professional.

Sonja said...

Hi Nick,
you did the right thing. I've seen what drugs did to a classmate of mine. We were friends over some years and he was very special to me. I had same bad time as teenager and I could share it with him.
He did not take "hard drugs", but they destroyed his brain over the years. His work at school became worse and worse. They gave him the chance to do a cure for drug addiction, otherwise he would have to leave school. He even liked the idea of takeing the cure. After the cure he wanted to do "addiction-controlling" (taking drungs but control the amount or whatever). He said he knows someone who is doing that.
The cure was successful. He really changed positively and wanted to stay clean. But he had the same drug-taking friends, with whom he even shared flat. It did not take long and he took drugs again. He did not finish school and we lost contact.
A few years later, in our early twenties, we accidentally ran into each other. We were both happy about that and met some time. A normal conversation was not possible any more. He talked about commiting suicide at 27 and was sure he got messenges from unknown people on the street and so on.
I sometimes think of him, wonder what became of him and if he is still alive. I really hope so!

Anonymous said...

Meth - nasty bad stuff, you're right - and if he doesn't want to get off it, there's not much you can do - which is part of the horror of that drug. I hope he finds a way out of that place. And I hope you don't blame yourself for acting the way you did - as far as I can see you did the right thing. You won't get thanked for it, but you did.

I just hope some good things come into your life real soon Nick. You deserve them.

Big friendly hugs.

G-Baby said...

Yes! two posts in a week (I feel the world adjusting itself back on its true axis). No seriously, it's great to have you with us again. Just finished reading all the blogs, what a great bunch of people, and lot's of fabulous advice.

Lost my brother earlier on in the year to rec. drugs. Surprised and shocked everyone, though a few of us had suspicions - (can't say a lot as it received a lot of media coverage regarding the circumstances, and we are still dealing with the fall out as I write). Tried to discuss it with him but he became highly defensive and aggressive and I can still hear the words "I'm not an idiot", yea well ... This is the world we live in, one life, one chance - like I said before it's all about choices.

Take it easy and stay healthy - though on that point, sushi? Come on babe, you need real protein, and the only raw meat humans were meant to eat doesn't come form the ocean - LMFAO!

Jacob said...

as all your friends had commented, what you did was right. even though you turned out to be the bad guy in this situation, deep down in your heart, you know you did right. and that's all the reassurance you need, Nick.

we are always here to support you in any ways we can, emotionally or physically. either way, know that you have your big group of friends and supporters behind you in everything you do.

stay strong, Nick.

ps. the sushi looks good. wish i could share them with you ;)

your loyal fan,

Cap'n Porksword said...

Nick, it's stuff like this that make me admire you even more. While being under the rock can't stop the thoughts, I encourage you to turn your thoughts to whatever will help you best now. If it's being under the rock, then enjoy being under the rock as long as you need. Accept the thoughts will come and accept the frustration. It will pass. You are an awesome and brave person to put so much of yourself out here and show how you are dealing with your life, but don't feel pressured to do anything else until you are ready.

Anonymous said...

Jings, Crivvens, Help ma Boab! (Should I stop posting in "Scottish"?) It kind of translates to ..... shit man you are having a really bad time...

Nick, sometimes you have to make your opinions clear, say "I'm here for you" and back off. I've tried to help friends in the past, got kicked in the teeth and have had to accept that they will go their own way, whatever I say.

I've also been the one doing the kicking. I've had problems of my own. Not addictions, thank God, but problems though that I've either refused to acknowledge to others, or even to myself. In those circumstances, good friends have said, "Jacquie, I've done all I can, you are going to have to work this out your own way, but I'll be here if and when you need me".

Some friends meant it, others were looking to escape. When I worked it through and realised the mess I had made, or even that I needed help, the GOOD friends were the ones I could pick up the phone and hear "You're a silly cow, what can I do to help?"

I'm rambling, but what I mean is, sometimes you just have to let the person going wrong know that you are there with open arms and will always be that way for them.

I've been on both sides and all anyone can do is 'be there'. It seems like you are that kind of friend - the best kind. Be there - at the end of rainbow. You are the pot of gold.

My friends who have been in deep shit appreciate my love, just as I appreciate the friends who have been there waiting to dig me out.

Look after YOU! You need strength to help yourself before you can help anyone else.

Orrabest (Scottish!)

Jacquie xxx

PDQ said...

It takes two to maintain a friendship Nick. If your "friends" aren't doing their part, then there is no longer a friendship - regardless of how much you want it to continue. The remnants of your friendship just become unnecessary baggage that slows you down.

Move on with your life. It's up to them to catch back up with you if they want to resurrect what used to be.

keeprnla said...

Agree with PDQ. Take care.

Unknown said...

Hey can not help your friend with the non-meth problem until he is ready to accept help.

My ex is now a guest of the Florida Department Of Corrections. He was from New England, but had a vacation house in your neck of the woods, and despite the pleading and intervention of myself, family, and other friends his meth addiction was a non-problem. Until Ft. Lauderdale police raided his house on New Years eve a few years ago, and arrested him for drug trafficing. I failed to mention he became HIV positive in the process and became estranged from his kids. He has four more years on his sentence, but lost his three homes in bankruptcy and drug dealing seizures and is broke when he get out.

All the professionals we consulted said nothing we could say or do would matter unless he was ready to accept help, and that proved very true.

Be well,


blacknoon said...


You need to separate the drugs talking from the person. It is very difficult to recognize the difference.

Bill was addicted to alcohol for decades then his liver went bad. It was staring at several pints of blood in the sink that finaly woke him up. He survide the first failure but not the second one four years later.

During that time I took care of him and only by knowing what he was like before could I distinguish the difference. It's so hard to deal with and even harder that after all these people who graphically tell children and anyone they can their story about addiction and rehab, people still want to go down that road.

Once somebody starts drinking the milk from the devil's sow, only God can get them off of it. You can only help in opening their eyes to the fact but if they refuse to wake up, there is literally nothing you or anybody on this earth that can. It's something only the abuser can do.

All you can do is be a good friend once they get off the path of self destruction. Don't let them take you with them or do I have to burn some more of your wings? LOL

If you need a little more insight how to deal with this let me know and I'll send you an email.

On a side note, look at all the good friends you made on your blog. Don't let good things go by without grabbing it.