Monday, May 17, 2010

Too much

OK... the video I posted here is SO NOT what I usually post here. I found it online and it kind of fits perfectly with the feeling behind this post. TOO MUCH!

I spent the weekend working on my house. More landscaping. Cleaning. Trying to get it all looking great so that maybe I can sell it. That and the gym kept the days busy. Then came the night.

There was a BIG birthday party on Saturday night that I wanted to go to at the house of someone who was both a friend of my ex and I. (It's actually someone my ex went out with briefly when we were broken up a couple of years ago.) But my ex never kept in touch with anyone. Ever. Text messages would never be answered. Phone messages would never be returned. Ever. He didn't... doesn't actually live in this world. You figure it out. I spent 8 years trying. Too much.

OK, off on a tangent there. LOL

Back to the point...
I keep in touch with this friend. We talk several times a week and we hang out. We are even planning a camping trip together. The ex doesn't even return his messages. This friend invited me to the party and also invited the ex. I can't make people choose sides. Although part of me would like to. I told him I couldn't go because the ex might show up. He said there was no way the ex would show up. He never showed up anywhere or even returned messages. And that is true. But I couldn't take the chance. I need to keep him completely out of my life right now. Maybe forever. I need to detox. Get all the poison from that "relationship" out of my body. Heal.

So I didn't go. Instead I watched the Sci-Fi shows that I had tivo'd and saved for the ex and I to watch. (I'm actually almost caught up with all of them... by myself.) I got really horny during the night (imagine that?) so I decided to sign on to the big online hookup site. Manhunt. Ugh.

So here came the messages. Dozens from guys telling me how they wanted to get "twisted" with me and have me fuck the hell out of them all night. (Twisted: take tons of mind altering, body destroying and addictive drugs, have the most amazing sex that you will never remember with someone you will never remember, and if you do remember you would probably really, really regret it).
DELETE. Too much.

One message was from someone who asked, "Do you mind if I "point".
Huh? I don't mind if you point as long as you don't laugh.
"Sorry, I don't know what point means."
"Slam", was the response.
Oh... I know that word. Inject crystal meth.
"Sorry, I don't think we are on the same page."
DELETE and BLOCK. Too much.

There was another message from a couple that I've actually met before. Two really nice and really hot guys. The message went something like... "My partner is in the other room being breed by a top and I want you to come fuck my ass." He was nice enough to say that if I was "uncomfortable" we could stay in a separate room. They had been "partying a little". "After all... it was the weekend." Ugh. I kindly ended the conversation and wished him luck with his night.

How the fuck did we get here? I know that gay relationships are not like straight ones. And they shouldn't be like straight ones. But really? OK... so I'm a romantic at heart. I want a white picket fence around a pretty little house that shelters a romantic relationship with someone who loves me and respects me as much as I do him. And HELL YA I want HOT sex. Lots of it. LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS of it! Probably even involving rope and the white picket fence. Sex together.... with my partner. I can't ever see myself getting to the point where my "partner" is being "bred" from some cracked out skank in the next room and I am online hunting for another cracked out skank to have sex with. God I hope I never see myself there.

That doesn't mean I've never had a 3 way... or more. Or that I've never slept with a couple before. Hell, it's documented of film! But "partner" is a word reserved for someone and something special. It embodies love, support and respect. For me it's where two join to become more. I am no prude. I am no stick in the mud. But, when it comes to a relationship... I'm as old school as they come. My man is MY MAN. I know... I'm a fucking porn star. Go figure.

It was clear that Manhunt is not what I needed to heal my soul right now. Very clear. I could just jack off again for the 6th time that day. I'm pretty good at it. So I logged off.

There is a big Bound Gods advertisement on the Manhunt "You are now logged off" screen... featuring ME. Ugh. It was a photo from the 3-way shoot I did with Tyler Saint and Drake Jaden. I laughed. And I laughed. Till I cried.

The moral of this story...
The universe sends you just what you need just when you need it if you follow your heart. That and... don't hit me up on Manhunt if you are cracked out and looking to get bred.

Side note: I found out from friends that my ex did go to the party. He's too much.

Here is the ad that I found on Manhunt.


alleen said...

Dear Nick, yust read your blog,is it not what we all wants even the straight ones, a romantic relationship with a soulmate, someone who loves you, and stands next to you. I think that is were everybode is looking for, and never give up because somewere there must be one.

Sean said...

Hey Nick
Been with my partner now for 8 years, we've had our bumps over the years but still going strong, saying that sometimes he makes me wish I was straight, men can be wankers!! :-)

Love the blog.

Anonymous said...

So direct, so honest and from the heart Nick - thanks. And yes, I think that's what pretty much all of us want. But no guarantee that we will all get it I reckon.
doesn't stop me looking though ;-)
Stay strong.

Jambrea said...

Too much is right. Maybe right now isn't the time for you to be looking for love. Not if you're moving.

It's nice to see how romantic you are and your time will come. I'm sure you're sick of hearing that, but its true. :)

joyroett said...

How ironic about the ad. lol

Don't give up. Romance is out there and you'll find it. :)

starbman said...

What a GREAT post! I have enjoyed your blog for a long time now. And, this post is a perfect example why: honest, direct, humorous. Real.

Stan said...

It took me a long time to realize finding that someone is something of a delusion for some of us.

Pick said...

Nick -

I can't possibly say it any better than "starbman" so a big ditto to that.

I left you (hopefully) a "smile-maker" on my blog. Even on my glummest days, if I hear it, it picks me up a little.

wdavi said...

Great post! Love will come!

Peter Axel said...

Thank you Nick!

It have shared the same experience!
I rarely ever get online anymore for that very reason.

I think we're coming from the same mindset, LOL.... noone would believe it, considering how people usually see us, in videos!

Big hugs,


D. W. said...

I've been reading your blog for quite a while now and I've got say that I absolutely love it.

Your funny, realistic and most importantly you have a heart.

You give Porn Stars a good name. (LOL) I thought with your status the guys would be falling at your feet to be in love with. Maybe the good guys just aren't reading your blog yet. But, just so you know there some guys out here that feel exactly as you do about love, drugs and life in general.

Please keep it going....Let's us know when your coming to Los Angeles, California again. Drinks on me!

With Love & Respect, Handsome!

Leatherpigboy said...

Nick well put and honest! Great post buddy!

Cap'n Porksword said...

Boy, I feel ya ... I want to believe in love, but it seems unlikely.

Till then, I have Doctor Who ... and porn ...

aphrodite said...

you're a lovely man with a kind romantic heart... hope you find someone deserving soon!

GabeScott said...

Well said Nick. Great post!
And when you finally find "that guy", point me in the direction you discovered him. Maybe they travel in packs, and that's why I can't find mine yet. :)

David said...

I know the feeling. After a few failed attempts with men that can't find it to commit to dating, much less a picket fence. . .driving through WeHo on the way to work depresses me more: Manhunt Billboards. Really? Is that all there is?

I got a baby girl rescue dog 2 weeks ago. Somehow. . .not so lonely anymore. Good luck in the search. (Don't use the word "hunt". . .) ;-)

knightwing said...

Hey Nick,
I'm kinda new to this website, but i saw a ad of you and found your blog and I've been reading. You seem like an awesome guy. Anyways I just wanted to say man your manhunt local search must be crazy. I live in deep deep deep South Texas and know alot of the guy guys here, but I don't think most of them do that stuff. As for the partner thing I've been living the dream with a white picket fence since 07. Even got a dog.
Your blogs are amazing. Your amazing. <(")
Hope to get to know you better in the future.