Monday, May 24, 2010

Messed up dreams

Another long post. (At least I have some pictures to go with it.) Seems the more "issues" I have the longer my blog posts. LOL. Oh, and you probably notice that the previous post is gone. You would think I would have learned not to mention any other people or friends in my blog. It's just not worth the drama. Unfortunately, I am seriously wondering if having people in your life at all is worth it. I know how negative that sounds but it's just what I'm feeling.

I'm trying to trudge along and feel enthusiastic about my trip to Chicago. I'm also trying to "find center" and some sense of happiness again. God does that sound depressing. LOL. I'm just in a funk. Everyone gets in a funk from time to time. There are actual reasons behind my funk so it's not like I'm crazy. Or too crazy at least. I need to deal with my crap and put it behind me. Or better yet I need to move forward.

I haven't been sleeping very much and I've had to take generic Ambien to help me fall asleep. I would rather take Lunesta but my insurance doesn't cover it and I can't afford it. If I take Ambien more than one time in a week I get really messed up dreams.

Some examples of the dreams I've had this week:

I dreamed that I was lost in some white trash town, found a fast food restaurant, walked into the rest room there and found my ex getting fucked by a group of guys on the floor of the handicap store. I immediately walked out before he could see me and as I did the police entered the rest room. I kept walking out the door, got into an empty car and drove away. As I was driving I realized that the car had no breaks. I drove out of control down the streets and highways trying to avoid smashing into other cars or flying off of cliffs.

In another dream I was back in Brooklyn in the old one room apartment I "grew up" in. I stepped out into the small back yard and there was now an small in-ground pool. It was very old and the sun had bleached it's surface bright white and made it look dried out and chalky. It was so bright that it actually hurt yours eyes to look at it. It did look like it would be refreshing though. On the other side of the small pool there was a small patch of dirt where a garden or at least grass should be. That was the same spot where my biological father lived in real life. It now looked pretty much like a cemetery plot. In real life I didn't know this neighbor was my "real father" until years after he had died of cancer. Anyway, I told my mother that I would put in new grass for her. It doesn't happen often (thank God) but it's never a good thing when I dream about my dead mother.

Fucked up dreams. All of my inner crap coming out in long, random scenes that feel way too real. It's probably better just not to sleep. I have only taken them 2 or 3 times a week lately. I actually just to a break from writing this post, did some online research, and read the list of side effects...
  • More outgoing or aggressive behavior than normal
  • Confusion
  • Strange behavior
  • Agitation
  • Hallucinations
  • Worsening of depression
  • Suicidal thoughts
Ya... I don't think I'm going to be taking them any more.

During the day I am trying to be productive and take an active role in feeling better. I gave myself a new haircut. Shaved to the bone on the sides. Not sure if I'm too old for this haircut but I'm sure I'll find out in Chicago this week. I'm also wearing the t-shirt I just bought in Out of the Closet thrift store for $3.99. It says "Whip me honey" on the top and "S&M has gone mainstream" on the bottom. Cool.

I got a little friend for Bubba. I was afraid he would be lonely and I read that they do well with friends. I bought one that I think is a female (Yes, there might be little Bubba's running around one day.) and made sure it looked different enough from Bubba so that I could tell them apart. This one has lighter fur and is fat. Really fat. There was only one choice when it came to picking her name. Meet... The Fat One.

I'm almost finished with the AWESOME book I've been reading. I LOVE really good science fiction and this is really, really good. I bought the book a long time ago. I'm constantly buying books and saving them for the time in my life that I need to read them. That probably sounds weird but it works for me. Right now I needed to be lost in a good, strong story in another world. Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card is truly amazing! I've wanted to read it for years and years and I'm very glad I waited until now.

I also got a package with three more books in it today. I got an email from someone who reads this blog recommending the book "That which you are seeking is causing you to seek" by Cheri Huber. I checked it out online and liked the section that I read. I actually ended up buying three books from the same author that I thought would help me right now. Thank you Cap'n Porksword for your recommendation!!!


Ken Williams (a.k.a) Zepth Cassen said...

Hey Nick good post I've been studing up on my own messed up dreams etc so I know how that goes. but I hope you do get out of the funk but the best way to kill the funk is laughter and I glad to have some of my friends around to go out and cut up with.. secondly the hair cut is Really good I would jump your bones in a second with that look,, okay I said far too much


alleen said...

Hi Nick, thanks for the post. I think you can better stop to take anything to fall a sleep. My experience is that you can better not sleep now, and than after a few days you are so tired that you will sleep, and than it will go better.Now by taking the ambien your brain will open doors that can better stay closed because it is all mixing up. I hope you understand what I am writing because English is not my first language. Your haircut is very nice. You are good looking, put a big smile on your face and off you go to Chicago, forget you sorrow, cheer up, and have fun.

Bjp said...

great post nice hair cut, dream can be that way, wild just like life

Stan said...

Love the cut, no your not too old! You look great as always. I can't take ambien. It really fucked me up during the time of my partners death. I abused it and I lost a lot of memory of that time. I've always been an insomiac and have tried everything. Now that I'm disabled I don't have to worry about sleeping at night any more which used to be a nightmare.
Depression is a deep dark hole that I hope your able to climb out of soon Bud.
Love the Fat One! That was sweet of you as always!

Anonymous said...

Dear Nick,

Your posts are always interesting. Don't worry about the dreams, I believe they clean up the dark corners of our mind. After more than 20 years of studying my dreams I've come to understand the good, the bad and the ugly of my dreams. Sleep without pills, keep good company, and pray and/or meditate. Life plays dirty, but it doesn't mean we have to take it.

Be strong.

Pick said...

Try Valerian to help you sleep ... it's a natural, mild sedative. I swear by Swiss brand 500mg. I take two about an hour before bed.

If I'm feeling overuse injuries or mild depression coming on, I start taking Valerian for about a week and I'm good to go!

Great haircut!
Cute "mouse"! ;o{)

Anonymous said...

Of course you're not too old for that haircut! Looks hot!

Not being able to sleep is a killer, it just fucks up so much else in my life if I can't - I really hope you find a way to get back into a good pattern.

Have a great time at IML. I wish I was there.

PDQ said...

To sleep without pills.....

Concentrate solely on your breathing. Lie down with your eyes closed and focus solely on your and over. No other thoughts - just breathing. It sounds stupid, but it works - IF you can focus solely on breathing.

Or try reading a book until you're tired and then crash.

Leatherpigboy said...

Nick hope you have a safe flight into Chicago! i totally understand about the friends and the funk i feel the same way a lot! Enjoy the entire weekend buddy you deserve it!

Cap'n Porksword said...

You are most welcome and thanks for the kind acknowledgement. I hope you get a lot out of the books.

Saw this sleeping trick on a blog I love and the "left nostril" trick helps me ...

Anonymous said...

Hi Nick,

"Ender's Game" was one hell of a story. If you look at the premise and compare it to today's military, the story is losing its "fiction". The standard equipment in every one of our Army recruiting stations is an XBox 360 (go visit your nearest one and see). The recruits train with video games, then go back to the barracks and play XBox. Very easy to see the lines between game/war blurring during combat. Maybe in 20 years after we are out of this war, we will be able to look back and figure out what we have done.

That is what I like about Science Fiction. Give it 30-50 years and it becomes science fact (Jules Vern, "How Captain Kirk Changed the World, etc). I am sure you have read Starship Troppers (great read, but even great rationalization for corporal punishment - incredible homoerotic under currents....) by now.

That being said, Orson Scott Card is not exactly a friend of the gay community, he is very outspoken about his opposition to gay rights and marriage. I won't throw away his books, I respect his work, but I do keep it at arms length in my mind.

Keep smiling, and Sweet Dreams...Hold you Head Up, Moving On....


Ms.Delva said...

Believe me nick when I say that I know exactly what you are going through as I am currently going through that same exact thing, minus the sleep inducers. Though I can guestimate that my funk has been a lot longer than yours, I am slowly beginning to crawl my way out. Talking about your problems and feelings is a good way help yourself; that's why I love blogging, it's like even though you can't see them you know there are people out there who are reading your posts and they get it even though the people around you don't and that makes you feel so good knowing that your are being heard and understood.

There are no magical cures to these issues we face. Putting a smile on your face and acting as if you're happy is not going to make you happy. It might make you feel better at the time but it will not make the sadness go away because that is something that has to come from you soul. It takes a long time to sort through ones issues; some take minutes or even years. All you can do is take it one day at a time and some days are really high while others are really low but you can get through the low days if you stay strong.

This actually kind of relates to a post on my blog called Transitions, there's also a song that I posted by REM. You should listen to it, it really put a smile on my face which was need after yet another useless argument with my mother,you should check it out. Anyway keep your head up, it doesn't stay dark forever.


PS it would be really nice if you could check out my blog and give some feedback being that I just started it and I would like to know someones opinion on it.

Halleigh said...

You look great as always :) Got to love your honesty - and your t-shirt! Here's one for when the days get brighter: