Wednesday, April 21, 2010

What NOT to do.

I pulled up into my driveway 2 days ago, turned off the radio in my truck, turned off the ignition, opened the door, and was greeted by the suffering face of my next door neighbor. Do we ever see our fucking neighbors unless there is a problem?

"Follow me", she says.
I follow her into her back yard and she points at a root that is coming through the ground.
"Your tree is ripping up the foundation of my house and breaking the pipes."

OK... first of all, we live in South Florida.... at sea level. There are NO FOUNDATIONS to houses.
If you dig 2 feet you hit water!. So that is complete bullshit. And second, the tree you are talking about is about 3 feet from my pool. It's been there since I moved in over 10 years ago and has probably been there a lot longer. So no freakin way it has broken any of your pipes.

That's what I'm thinking.
What I say is...
"I'm so sorry about that. I had no idea. I have no roots on my side so I really had no way of knowing."
Now I'm sure she's the one who had gone into my backyard the other night, freaking me out and making me think it was my ex, and leaving the gate open.

"I'll have the tree removed by the end of the week."
"Ummm... but your tree is destroying my house and..."
"I will have the tree removed by the end of the week."
"Yes, but... ummm..."
" I will have the tree removed by the end of the week."

I think... "Bitch... I have lived next to your fat ass for over 10 years now and anytime you ask me to do anything I do it. What the fuck do I need your grief now? Just go back in your fucking house, have another beer, and leave me the fuck alone so I can start cutting the tree down."

I say... "I'm very sorry", again, and walk out of her yard and into my garage."


So I've spent the last 2 days with a sawsall cutting the branches off of the tree. HUGE and TALL fucking branches. And then cut through the double trunk of the tree. And knocked it all down. And carried it all to the curb for fucking bulk day. All by myself. With a broken finger that I am supposed to be resting.

I posted a little video of some of the fun I had. I hope YOU enjoy. Ugh.


Robert A. Geise said...

You're awfully cute when you're not resting your broken finger.

Stan said...

If I were younger I'd apply for the job but at my age I'm not much help. I am so over yard work myself. I'm so ready for a high rise condo.

aphrodite said...

you're still totally hot and cute though you're injured! would definitely send in the application if i'm in your state man!

Get well soon!

Anonymous said...

You're just a good neighbor! Nothing wrong with that Nick! I sure hope you get some applications for yard boy! Kids are crazy if they don't apply with the economy such as it is!

alleen said...

Maybe she just wanted to see your great body. That is what I wanted when I was your neighbour

Jim said...

As I read I thought "That's terrible about your tree and neighbor" (terrible you had to take down your tree and terrible your neighbor seems to be such a bitch!)
Then I watched the video...God, you look HOT :-) Would love to apply for the job but with my back I'd be the walking/hobbling wounded. Hope you're on the mend! :-)