Messed up dreams

Another long post. (At least I have some pictures to go with it.) Seems the more "issues" I have the longer my blog posts. LOL. Oh, and you probably notice that the previous post is gone. You would think I would have learned not to mention any other people or friends in my blog. It's just not worth the drama. Unfortunately, I am seriously wondering if having people in your life at all is worth it. I know how negative that sounds but it's just what I'm feeling.

I'm trying to trudge along and feel enthusiastic about my trip to Chicago. I'm also trying to "find center" and some sense of happiness again. God does that sound depressing. LOL. I'm just in a funk. Everyone gets in a funk from time to time. There are actual reasons behind my funk so it's not like I'm crazy. Or too crazy at least. I need to deal with my crap and put it behind me. Or better yet I need to move forward.

I haven't been sleeping very much and I've had to take generic Ambien to help me fall asleep. I would rather take Lunesta but my insurance doesn't cover it and I can't afford it. If I take Ambien more than one time in a week I get really messed up dreams.

Some examples of the dreams I've had this week:

I dreamed that I was lost in some white trash town, found a fast food restaurant, walked into the rest room there and found my ex getting fucked by a group of guys on the floor of the handicap store. I immediately walked out before he could see me and as I did the police entered the rest room. I kept walking out the door, got into an empty car and drove away. As I was driving I realized that the car had no breaks. I drove out of control down the streets and highways trying to avoid smashing into other cars or flying off of cliffs.

In another dream I was back in Brooklyn in the old one room apartment I "grew up" in. I stepped out into the small back yard and there was now an small in-ground pool. It was very old and the sun had bleached it's surface bright white and made it look dried out and chalky. It was so bright that it actually hurt yours eyes to look at it. It did look like it would be refreshing though. On the other side of the small pool there was a small patch of dirt where a garden or at least grass should be. That was the same spot where my biological father lived in real life. It now looked pretty much like a cemetery plot. In real life I didn't know this neighbor was my "real father" until years after he had died of cancer. Anyway, I told my mother that I would put in new grass for her. It doesn't happen often (thank God) but it's never a good thing when I dream about my dead mother.

Fucked up dreams. All of my inner crap coming out in long, random scenes that feel way too real. It's probably better just not to sleep. I have only taken them 2 or 3 times a week lately. I actually just to a break from writing this post, did some online research, and read the list of side effects...

• More outgoing or aggressive behavior than normal
• Confusion
• Strange behavior
• Agitation
• Hallucinations
• Worsening of depression
• Suicidal thoughts

Ya... I don't think I'm going to be taking them any more.

During the day I am trying to be productive and take an active role in feeling better. I gave myself a new haircut. Shaved to the bone on the sides. Not sure if I'm too old for this haircut but I'm sure I'll find out in Chicago this week. I'm also wearing the t-shirt I just bought in Out of the Closet thrift store for $3.99. It says "Whip me honey" on the top and "S&M has gone mainstream" on the bottom. Cool.


I got a little friend for Bubba. I was afraid he would be lonely and I read that they do well with friends. I bought one that I think is a female (Yes, there might be little Bubba's running around one day.) and made sure it looked different enough from Bubba so that I could tell them apart. This one has lighter fur and is fat. Really fat. There was only one choice when it came to picking her name. Meet... The Fat One.


I'm almost finished with the AWESOME book I've been reading. I LOVE really good science fiction and this is really, really good. I bought the book a long time ago. I'm constantly buying books and saving them for the time in my life that I need to read them. That probably sounds weird but it works for me. Right now I needed to be lost in a good, strong story in another world. Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card is truly amazing! I've wanted to read it for years and years and I'm very glad I waited until now.


I also got a package with three more books in it today. I got an email from someone who reads this blog recommending the book "That which you are seeking is causing you to seek" by Cheri Huber. I checked it out online and liked the section that I read. I actually ended up buying three books from the same author that I thought would help me right now. Thank you Cap'n Porksword for your recommendation!!!

Countdown to IML & the Grabbys

Just 2 days till I leave for Chicago for IML and the Grabbys. I trying to get excited about it but it's not happening right now.

So much to do to prepare for the trip. Take care of the house and secure it for a week. Put the dog in the kennel again for a whole week. Pack and do personal grooming. I guess it's not that much if you think about it, and I should be happy and excited about the trip, but I'm just feeling kinda down right now. I'd be happy just to stay on my couch and read. That's not good. Eh... what can you do?

Rising Starz now available!

A while back author Owen Keehnen contacted me and told me he would like to include me in his upcoming book "Rising Starz" - Interviews with the Hottest New Stars of Gay Adult Porn" I had actually read his previous books "Ultimate Starz" and "More Starz" and really liked the porn star interviews presented in them. You could really get a sense of the performers "true" personality. And I was even mentioned in a couple of those interviews. Of course I said, "Yes!".

After months of emails going back and forth asking question after question, my interview was finally complete. That was April 2009. I didn't hear anything about the book coming out after that so I wondered if it had become another victim of our failing economy. Then last week I got an email from Owen with a proof of the cover and a note saying "Hope this email finds you well. Hallelujah! The wait is over - RISING STARZ has finally been released!"

Needless to say, I've already ordered my copy from Amazon.com. I can't wait to read my interview! Like I said, it's been a while since I answered all those questions and life has changed so much since then. It should be interesting to see a snapshot of my life back then. CLICK HERE if you want to check the book out at Amazon.com.

Here is the promo press on the book...

“Come along and we’ll go behind the scenes and into the dreams of some of your favorite fantasy men. Learn about their careers, their goals, their turn-ons, and their “game.”
Learn about their lives off screen, how their past brought them to porn, and where they see it taking them. Discover how they maneuver their lives and careers through this rapidly changing and highly competitive industry.

There are tips and tricks, and there’s even some dirt. These stars have no problem spilling about what it takes to make it in the jizz biz.

Meet the men behind the fantasy and you’ll agree – they’re more than just a bunch of pretty faces, fantastic bodies, great cocks, and hot asses. A lot of humongous personalities populate the industry as well.

So sit back, get comfortable, and enjoy the latest and greatest entry in Owen Keehnen’s groundbreaking STARZ series. Available at Amazon and at your local LGBTQ bookstore.

Rising STARZ features: Aarin Driver , Andy Kay , Austin Wilde, Bjoern Giger, Braxton Bond, Brodie Newport, Bruno Bond , Buster, Butch Grand, Colin Steele, Conner Habib, Damien Crosse, David Dakota, David Taylor, Dominik Rider, Erik Hunter, Ethan Storm, Ethan Wolfe, Geoffrey Paine, Ian Rock, Jared Michaels, Johnny Gunn, Josh West, Kai Ford , Kameron Scott, Kirk Cummings, Lex Sabre , Logan Mccree, Lucky Daniels, Markus Ram , Mike Dreyden, Murphy Maxwell, Nick Moretti, Race Cooper, RJ Danvers, Ross Hurston , Scott Alexander , Scott Campbell, Shane Frost, Skye Woods, Tim Kruger, Tommy Ruckus, Tony Buff, Tristan Jaxx and Tristan Phoenix, Turk Mason, and Ty Lebeouf.”

Meet my new boy

If you read my last post you you probably surmised that I was feeling a little sad and alone. Judging from your comments it's a situation that we all know very well, from time to time, in our lives. I HATE that feeling. I want it to end as soon as possible. There are things I know that will help make me feel better.

So I had lunch with Sean (the new Southeast Leather Boy) today and we stopped in to the pet shop to check out the puppies. Animals always center me. Something about them just puts everything into perspective. Makes your problems seem silly. They are true to their nature and don't tend to have the emotions that make our lives miserable sometimes, like sadness, jealousy and anger. Being around an animal is like meditation for me. The "problems" of the day shift to the back burner and a sense of peace takes their place.

After looking at the puppies (Of course I wanted one... hell... ALL of them! But I use my brain as well as my heart when it comes to taking a new pet into my life.) we checked out the birds, ferrets, and rabbits. Then I looked down into one of the other glass enclosures and saw all of these little cotton balls mixed in with the soft bedding. I reached my hand in and picked up the tiny ball of fluff and immediately fell in love. An hour later he was home with me scurrying all over my neck, chest and arms. Pure joy. I proudly introduce my new boy Bubba!

Bubba is a Roborovski Dwarf Hamster.

Of course I did research on the tiny hamster. Bubba is a Roborovski Dwarf Hamster and he is a pet that will fit into my little "family" very well. The little guy will only grow to be about 1 1/2 inches long and he should live from 2 to 3 1/2 years. He's very easy to take care of and the only real concern is to make sure that he doesn't jump away from me. They will jump to the floor with no regard for how high the fall is. This could easily be fatal.

The little house I bought for him is easy to transport. I even took him him with me tonight to my friend's place for pizza, American Idol and Glee. Of course he didn't eat the pizza or watch the shows, but he did explore and run on his wheel and everyone fell in love with him. How could you not?

Here is a little video of little Bubba.

Too much

OK... the video I posted here is SO NOT what I usually post here. I found it online and it kind of fits perfectly with the feeling behind this post. TOO MUCH!

I spent the weekend working on my house. More landscaping. Cleaning. Trying to get it all looking great so that maybe I can sell it. That and the gym kept the days busy. Then came the night.

There was a BIG birthday party on Saturday night that I wanted to go to at the house of someone who was both a friend of my ex and I. (It's actually someone my ex went out with briefly when we were broken up a couple of years ago.) But my ex never kept in touch with anyone. Ever. Text messages would never be answered. Phone messages would never be returned. Ever. He didn't... doesn't actually live in this world. You figure it out. I spent 8 years trying. Too much.

OK, off on a tangent there. LOL

Back to the point...
I keep in touch with this friend. We talk several times a week and we hang out. We are even planning a camping trip together. The ex doesn't even return his messages. This friend invited me to the party and also invited the ex. I can't make people choose sides. Although part of me would like to. I told him I couldn't go because the ex might show up. He said there was no way the ex would show up. He never showed up anywhere or even returned messages. And that is true. But I couldn't take the chance. I need to keep him completely out of my life right now. Maybe forever. I need to detox. Get all the poison from that "relationship" out of my body. Heal.

So I didn't go. Instead I watched the Sci-Fi shows that I had tivo'd and saved for the ex and I to watch. (I'm actually almost caught up with all of them... by myself.) I got really horny during the night (imagine that?) so I decided to sign on to the big online hookup site. Manhunt. Ugh.

So here came the messages. Dozens from guys telling me how they wanted to get "twisted" with me and have me fuck the hell out of them all night. (Twisted: take tons of mind altering, body destroying and addictive drugs, have the most amazing sex that you will never remember with someone you will never remember, and if you do remember you would probably really, really regret it).
DELETE. Too much.

One message was from someone who asked, "Do you mind if I "point".
Huh? I don't mind if you point as long as you don't laugh.
"Sorry, I don't know what point means."
"Slam", was the response.
Oh... I know that word. Inject crystal meth.
"Sorry, I don't think we are on the same page."
DELETE and BLOCK. Too much.

There was another message from a couple that I've actually met before. Two really nice and really hot guys. The message went something like... "My partner is in the other room being breed by a top and I want you to come fuck my ass." He was nice enough to say that if I was "uncomfortable" we could stay in a separate room. They had been "partying a little". "After all... it was the weekend." Ugh. I kindly ended the conversation and wished him luck with his night.
TOO MUCH!

How the fuck did we get here? I know that gay relationships are not like straight ones. And they shouldn't be like straight ones. But really? OK... so I'm a romantic at heart. I want a white picket fence around a pretty little house that shelters a romantic relationship with someone who loves me and respects me as much as I do him. And HELL YA I want HOT sex. Lots of it. LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS of it! Probably even involving rope and the white picket fence. Sex together.... with my partner. I can't ever see myself getting to the point where my "partner" is being "bred" from some cracked out skank in the next room and I am online hunting for another cracked out skank to have sex with. God I hope I never see myself there.

That doesn't mean I've never had a 3 way... or more. Or that I've never slept with a couple before. Hell, it's documented of film! But "partner" is a word reserved for someone and something special. It embodies love, support and respect. For me it's where two join to become more. I am no prude. I am no stick in the mud. But, when it comes to a relationship... I'm as old school as they come. My man is MY MAN. I know... I'm a fucking porn star. Go figure.

It was clear that Manhunt is not what I needed to heal my soul right now. Very clear. I could just jack off again for the 6th time that day. I'm pretty good at it. So I logged off.

WHAT THE FUCK!
There is a big Bound Gods advertisement on the Manhunt "You are now logged off" screen... featuring ME. Ugh. It was a photo from the 3-way shoot I did with Tyler Saint and Drake Jaden. I laughed. And I laughed. Till I cried.

The moral of this story...
The universe sends you just what you need just when you need it if you follow your heart. That and... don't hit me up on Manhunt if you are cracked out and looking to get bred.

Side note: I found out from friends that my ex did go to the party. He's too much.

Here is the ad that I found on Manhunt.

EASY RIDER - FREE PREVIEW!

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

EASY RIDERS - Just Released!

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It's a boy... umm girl... IT'S A BIRD!

You guys keep asking about my new baby bird and I haven't been able to say anything about it because I hadn't even seen it... until this morning! I finally saw it poking it's head out of the nest and snapped this picture.

He... she... it is still way too young to leave the nest. Actually, I haven't even seen it since this morning. At least I know it's getting some pretty while feathers. In no time it will be completely white and either look exactly like the mother or will look like the father and have a little black diamond mark around each eye.

Tyler Saint & Nick Moretti... fucking hysterical!

Jasun at Gay Daily Hot: Gay Porn Blog just posted a very funny behind the scene video interview with Tyler Saint and I. It was filmed while we were filming our HOT motorcycle flip-fuck scene. It's really pretty funny and the topics range from how Tyler's dick is too big for regular condoms, the reason why I could hardly walk after we filmed one part of the scene, and why there should be butt plugs fitted on leg workout machines at the gym and motorcycle seats. Pretty freakin hysterical!

Here is what Jasun writes:

Click here to go to the Gay Daily Hot: Gay Porn Blog and view the video.

UNSUITABLE

I've been working pretty hard for a job opportunity that I really, really wanted. One that I thought I would be great at and that I have a huge passion for. One that seemed to fit perfectly with the direction my life was going in. One that would help me to move to San Francisco... a place that I have come to love over the past few years.

But things got fucked up. Really fucked up. There was a miscommunication and the opportunity disappeared. It sucks. It hurts. It's like the rug got pulled out from under my life. It has left me thinking... What now?

It would be one thing if I even got the chance to fight for the job. But I didn't. My gloves were on but I didn't get the opportunity to even get into the ring for the fight. It's like someone had given me the wrong address and, after finally finding the correct location, the fight was over. If I would at least have had the chance to present myself for the position I would have been OK hearing that I was UNSUITABLE.

I have to believe that this is what is meant to be. That my life is supposed to go in another direction. I'm using the Buddhist practices that I have to keep centered and try not to be angry. I have to say it's not easy. I've lost so many things that I thought defined me over the past year. Like my job of 20 years. Like my relationship. (Yes, I had gotten back together with my ex again and, yes, he did it again. Lied. Cheated. Broke my heart. After 8 years was there really a reason to do that again? I guess so.) Seems like all of the things that had defined me as a person are gone.

So what now?

Great question.

I picked up one of my favorite Buddhist meditation books, "The New Meditation Handbook" by Geshe Kelsang Gyatso. I opened it to a random page and I started reading. Hoping that the universe would use the book to show me what I needed to find center. The page I opened to was a meditation entitled "Ageing". Some paragraphs from the meditation are:

"We have wrinkles on our forehead, but not because we have too much flesh; it is a warning from the Lord of Death: You are about to die."

"Out body sways as we walk, but not because we think we are important, it is a sign that our legs cannot carry our body."

"We walk bent and gazing at the ground, but not because we are searching for lost needles; it is a sign we are searching for our lost beauty and memories."

Great. Just what the fuck I needed to meditate on... right?

Actually, it was. It was a wake up call. A reminder. I am strong and have all my senses. I have a strong life force. I will never be younger than I am now. I can still work on myself... physically and spiritually. That will not always be the case. Someday I will be too weak to do that.

So it's time to put the gloves back on and climb into the ring. There are other job opportunities out there that will ignite passion in me. There are other men out there that will treat me well and respect me. There is a whole world out there and I really have nothing holding me back any more. Now I just have to stop crying and get off the couch and do something about it.

By the way, I am finally on the cover of a porn film. That was one of the things in my "bucket list". Something that I really, really wanted to see. It's the cover of the new "daddies in suits" movie... UNSUITABLE from Pantheon Productions. The release date will be June 1st. I've posted both the front and back covers here.

Porn Stars and Jury Duty?

I report for Jury Duty tomorrow morning at 7:45 am. Someone told me that the will automatically dismiss me when they ask what I do for a living and I tell them that I am a gay adult erotic video performer... porn star. Should be interesting. I know it's my civil duty but I really do not want to sit on a jury and get paid $15 per day. Please NO hate messages... I'm just being honest. If they do pick me to serve on a jury I will be the best damn juror there ever was.

I spent the weekend doing some of the housework that has piled up while I've been traveling. I did take a break to go see Ironman 2. It was good but definitely not as good as the first one.

I finally got the front of my house cleaned up and landscaped again. (See photo above.) Looks pretty good! Wish I could say the same for my broken finger. I hurt it again frolicking in the pool during the 1800GayLive photo shoot the other day and it is more crooked than ever. (See photo below.) The heavy duty yard work didn't help. Hurts like f*ck too! At this point it will never heal.

On the bright side...
Brief Encounters, the hot underwear-themed movie, just won the 2010 TLA Gay Award for Best Intergenerational Flick! My scene with Conner Habib had previously won the Hard Choice award as the Best Daddy-Boy Scene of 2009 a couple of months ago. Congratulations to the guys at Pantheon Productions for this awesome win!

Also, I finally saw the new baby bird today! (There is only one in the nest.) It looks like a horrible little, black, deformed creature from hell right now. It will turn into a beautiful white Zebra Finch soon enough though!

I promise I'll post some photos from my the set of the two new Bound Gods videos I shot last week as well as the 1800GayLive photo shoot next. In the mean time, don't forget to check out the HOT photos from the Mr. S Leather photo shoot I did with Race Cooper last week in the post below. Hope everyone had a GREAT weekend.

Cock hungry Race Cooper

Yesterday, I got an email advertisement with he first photos from the photo shoot I did with Race Cooper for Mr S Leather last week. DAMN was that fast! Gotta say they are pretty fucking HOT! What do you guys think?

These photos are actually pretty tame. It got MUCH wilder from this point in the shoot. Let's just say Race and I had a very happy ending.

Click here to go to the Mr. S Leather website and check out more photos and some AWESOME leather and fetish clothing and gear.

Larger than life

Imagine my surprise when I walked into Mr. S Leather to do my photo shoot the other day and found a HUGE banner of ME!!!

I was like a little high school girl taking pictures next to it and sending them to my friends from my iPhone. I can honestly say that it was truly one of the most amazing experiences of my life.

Got home yesterday, after flying all night on the red-eye, and headed right to my full day photo shoot for 1800 Gay Live. Couldn't sleep... AGAIN last night, but I'm up early and heading to the gym. Then back to another full day photo shoot for 1800 Gay Live. This weekend will be spend doing much needed housework, finally watching the sci-fi shows that I had been saving on my Tivo, and SLEEP. Lots of sleep.

Photos from San Francisco

Saturday night I went to this expensive Vegan restaurant named Millennium. It was some of the worst food I have ever eaten in my whole life. I've eaten at many Vegan restaurants before and had great experiences. This just sucked from beginning to end.

Sunday, I needed something to get the bad taste out of my mouth from dinner the night before, so I headed to Doloris Park and ran into so many of my friends. It was so great to find Race Cooper flying high above the park. We hung for a while and I asked him if he wanted to do the Mr. S Photo shoot with me. (I'll give you guys more details on how that went in another post.)


I almost went up to this guy and said, "Hey Steve!" Doesn't he look just like Steve Cruz?




"The Brownie Man" comes around with copper bowls carrying all flavors of "special brownies". I wish I could have had one but I'm here for work... not play.



Wish I would have met the owner of this bizarre car.


I guess I left my heart in San Francisco!

I'm about to head into my second Bound Gods shoot for the week so I have to go shower and shave. This one is with Colton Steele (who was a no show the last time we were supposed to shoot together). The furry little fucker better show up today! Rumor has it that this is going to be the Daddy/Boy scene that the Bound Gods viewers have been asking for. I know Daddy/Boy scenes have been done before, but NOT Bound Gods style. Should be Sick and HOT!

Conner Habib & the cannibal pigeon

After my plane landed in San Francisco I threw on some fresh clothes, brushed my teeth and headed out to the Castro for some lunch and a day in the park. An AWESOME day by my standards. But life rewarded me with a nice surprise when I ran into my good friend Conner Habib!

He was sitting on the street eating a HUGE egg salad sandwich. Of course the cute little outfit he was wearing matched the sandwich perfectly. What else would you expect from Mr. Habib?

As we talked, big pieces of egg were falling out of his sandwich and onto the ground where a hungry pigeon was frantically eating it up.

Conner took this as his cue to lecture the pigeon and starting saying stuff like...

Awww, come on. Do you know how wrong what you are doing is? Really? You're eating another bird... technically.

He went on for a while and the bird paid no attention to him and kept on eating the yummy egg salad. Good old Conner... saving the world, one cannibal pigeon at a time.

I've got lots more photos from my trip so far and I'll post them when I get a few minutes. I'm just heading into my first Bound Gods shoot in a few minutes. Tomorrow is another photo shoot with Mr. S Leather and then Wednesday is my second Bound Gods shoot.

Hope you guys all had as good a weekend as I did!