Friday, November 27, 2009


I've had a rough couple of days leading to Thanksgiving day. It had me wondering what the heck I have to be thankful for.

First, the shoulder that I just had surgery on is screwed up again. Not only that, but the other shoulder is even worse than the first one. I went to the Orthopedic Surgeon again and he checked them out. It doesn't look good. I'm scheduled for 2 MRI's on Monday. One of them involves inserting a large needle into the socket, between the shoulder and by arm, and filling the cavity with an entire bag of saline with some traceable dye in it. I've had this done before. It hurts. Then it's an hour in the MRI coffin for that shoulder, followed by another hour in the MRI coffin for the other shoulder. Oh... and the cost of 2 MRI's.

Next, Fishy died. He went from happy and hungry to dead in the course of a day. I really liked him.

Next, I had to deal with some legal matters lingering from my old job separation and the Unemployment Department. My old company fucking sucks! 20 fucking years I worked there and put up with their crap. I worked with abusive managers, lunatic coworkers in an environment that was hostile and depressing. I spent the last couple of years watching as they declared bankruptcy, layed off 2/3rds of the staff and had the rest of the staff absorb the work. The staff that was left was bitter and paranoid and turned to backstabbing and fighting as their way to deal with it. I basically hid in my cubicle and tried not to be the target of any of this. I spent the last months training the guy who I knew would be taking my place at a greatly reduced salary. I had my box of personal belongings packed and under my desk months ago; ready for when the axe would finally fall. I knew it would happen when I was on vacation. That's what my chicken-shit company used to do. And the guy I trained is now doing my work. He's actually a good friend, so I'm not mad at him. I told him repeatedly during the last months of working together that this is exactly what was going to happen and I don't think he believed me. The whole thing has made me so bitter, angry and hateful. NOT something that I'm comfortable with. I strive to be centered, loving and accepting in my life. This feeling makes me feel sick.

Then one of the shoots I was scheduled to do during my upcoming San Francisco trip was canceled. Ugh. I needed that money.

Finally, it was time for Thanksgiving. A time to spend sharing loving time with your family. Well, I don't have a family and when I did there were never any loving memories. Hate and abuse. Those are the family memories I have. No nice turkey dinners with family in a warm, loving house. Instead I had screaming and fighting and bruises and police. So the thought of Thanksgiving made me feel alone and sad.

So what to do?

I sucked it up. I pulled back inside, remembered what was important and I breathed.

First, I went out and got the fixings for a great Italian lasagna and spent the day making one.

Then, I spent some time with my dog and my birds and was happy to find out that there is more than one baby bird in the nest! There are at least two.

And when Thanksgiving day came around, I put on my "Don't Hate Meditate" Hello Kitty shirt, grabbed my lasagna and Joe, and headed over to my friend Jonathan's house and spent the day with my friends.

It was just what I needed. We drank and laughed and ate like pigs. Tim's birthday is today, the day after Thanksgiving, so we had a cake with a candle for every year he's been alive. You could see the glow of the candles from space!

Time to focus on the good things.

1. I can handle whatever comes my way. Always have, always will.

2. I'm intelligent, hard working, and responsible. I'm making money from the freelance web design work I'm doing and I have two porn shoots coming up to supplement that.

3. I will finally start receiving my unemployment.

4. I have an awesome dog and some great birds... complete with new babies.

5. Beta fish are very cheap and, although he won't be the original Fishy, I can get another one.

6. Someone very nice gave me some very beautiful flowers.

7. I have friends. Crazy, dysfunctional, pain in the ass friends. Thank God for them.

8. I looked pretty freakin good in my "Don't Hate... Meditate" shirt!

So I guess I choose to be thankful instead of bitter and hateful.

Here are some photos of everything I just posted about.


blacknoon said...

Oh Nick,
Don't despair, you have many more friends and support than you realize. Don't be too proud to ask for help. I've been there and it has been the most difficult thing to do and the most enlightening one as well.

I thoroughly understand the abuse. Sounded like my family except it got to the point of us hiding the kitchen steak knives for self defense. Fortunately they were never used. Time did heal many old wounds but the scars will always remain though.

Keep the chin up, no crying or I'll personally will have to come down there and spank ya LOL!

WE ALL LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kiss and hugs!

Stan said...

Damn Nick you have some of the hottest friends! WOOF! Great pic of you and Joe!
Good luck in the MRI coffin. They put me in that thing to have a look at my aortic aneurysm. I lasted about 40 minutes and couldn't take it anymore. I begged, pleaded to get out! When I got out they gave me a shot of morphine and then I was fine. Why they couldn't give me that in the beginning was what got me. Doh!

So sorry about Fishy....R.I.P.

Anonymous said...

Gee whiz! Don't base your happiness on fish in fish tanks - a sure recipe for sadness! Though I must admit I got chocked up seeing that poor fishy on the bottom like that - been there done that.

I have no problem with MRI's. Just meditate while you are in there. Medical problems - well what are gonna do? We are all made out of these weak crap called flesh. It really doesn't hold up all that well, does it? I wish you the best with that.

Glad your job stuff is getting sorted out. It is difficult to put it behind you, especially after 20 years. I know they used and abused you, but they were not your friends. They were your employers. Period. It seems the same was true for your parents. Sigh. That has to have been very rough. You deserved so much more!!! But as you say, now you have your own family of friends.

I was going to leave you a Thanksgiving message here on the blog, but I didn't want to intrude. Silly me, huh? Guess I should have. I was thinking that you are a busy and popular porn star with no time for fan's bs.

Your baby birds are cute as heck!

Happy Belated Thanksgiving Nick!

All my love, Sue

James said...

Sorry to hear about FISHY. Since you chose my entry in name the fish contest, I feel especially bad about his passing. May Fishy Rest In Peace.

James from Iowa

Unknown said...

Hey Nick, this is the first time posting a comment. I visit your site daily. I wanted to say keep your head up baby. Things will work out. Trust me, my former company did the exact same thing to me. I put in 12 years there and they treated me like shit. I am sure everyone else who was let go recently was treated in the same manner. Well, I am over it now. No need to dwell on it. Move on baby, keep doing what u are doing. You will be just fine.

Take Care,

Robert A. Geise said...

I know so many friends who had difficult families and childhoods. I never complain about mine. As weird a childhood as I had (suicidal father, absent mother, neurotic brother, ultra-religious grandparents), I was never abused physically or mentally within the family, and I never went hungry.

Everything that happened to me as a child set me up for who I am today, and I like that person. I hope you can somehow see that in yourself as well. You're a caring, thoughtful (in the most literal sense) man with a great sense of humor. The fact you had to go through such hell to get there should make it all the more satisfying for you: you made it. I know you're still left reeling from your job and what it did and has done to you. But at least you realize that and can begin to move away from it, if a little at a time.

Thank you for continuing to share your life.

Anonymous said...

what would the world be without our crazy, dysfunctional, pain in ass friends? idk, but i do know i definitely don't want to find out!

gpcrush said...

I'm sending you much love! xx

Jambrea said...


You do have a family Nick and it is made up of your friends. And it looks like you have a great family. The pictures show the fun. I'm glad you were able to share with them and that lasagna looks yummy! And you're do rock that shirt. :)

Happy Thanksgiving.

I'm sorry to hear about your shoulders, I hope you can get it fixed with out more surgery!

Have a wonderful weekend! :)

Leatherpigboy said...

Awesome so glad that you find the positive in things! Am also sorry that Fishy passed but then you see on the other hand you have the life of the baby birds! So things do work out for a reason. Your kind heart and goodness shows through that kinky exterior and keep those positive thoughts!