I finally got the photos together from the Steel Mill Media shoot and am ready to do a post about the whole experience, but I'm down in the dumps today.I'm such a fucking idiot. I fall for the same shit over and over again. Why do I keep getting sucked back into it? Why can't I just accept defeat and let things go like a normal person? Does anyone have the phone number for Lacuna Inc. from the movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind." I think that's what it's going to take to get me over this crap. I'm tired of getting played. Tired of getting sucked back in and then spit out. I fucking hate it.
Steel Mill Media just released the first scene from "Bullwhipped", the movie I did with them a couple of weeks ago with Tyler Saint and Tober Brandt. Here is a screen shot of one of the best experiences I had during the shoot. The fireside scene I did with Tyler. We play buddies who share some rough stories with each other.
I wish I had a buddy today to talk with. I really have no one. No one to share the great experiences I had in San Francisco last week working with Derek Diamond and Van Darkholme and hanging with my friend Conner Habib. No one to talk to about the crap that's floating around in my head today. So I vent small parts of it out here. It's like cracking the lid on a boiling pot so it doesn't explode from the pressure.
I'll sort it all out tonight. I'll hit the gym so hard that it hits back. And I'll go home and have my favorite dinner... Chocolate Soy Milk & Coconut Rum and some Cheeseburger Lean Pockets. I'll meditate for a while until, hopefully, I'll get my mind settled back down. Put all the lies and bullshit and manipulation where they belong. Try to focus on love and not hate. Bring the positive thoughts back to the surface. By tomorrow I'll be alright again and I'll do an uplifting post with lots of pictures. Today you just get a peak at my crack.
5 comments:
I you want to talk I will email you my phone number hugs.....Ned
It's James from Iowa. I'm concerned about you and the negative shit you post. If you want to talk, ask for my phone number in your blog. SEVERAL HUGS!!
It does no good to keep it all bottled up Nick. Somehow you have to let it all come out. Either talk to someone about it, or go out in the yard and scream.
But eventually, these negative aspects of your life will fall like raindrops and just run off of you as they run off of a duck's back, never penetrating underneath to the down. That is your goal with meditation. But I don't think you are there yet or you would not feel so troubled.
Remember how lucky you are to 1) be alive, 2) be able to go to the gym to work out, 3) then have a nice refreshing drink of clean water, 4) eat a nutrional meal afterwards, and 5) go home and sleep in your own bed.
Odd, really, that someone so opposite from me could have the same frustrations.
I know it's probably a cliche to say this, but with every negative experience-even the repeat ones, you learn something new. The thing is, not to let what happened to you, change you as a person in a negative way. I hope what I wrote makes some kind of sense. Written by, fellow repeat mistake offender.
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