Thursday, December 31, 2009

Power Play - Seasons Beatings to everyone!

The first scene of video that Luke Riley and I shot for Steel Mill Media a few weeks ago is finally available on their website. I just checked it out and it is HOT! Damn do we play off each other well. I get to dom him first and then he gets his revenge. And he DOES get his revenge! My nipples are still sore from that shoot. If you want to check it out go to the Bound Muscle site here.

Here are a few photos from the video. There are lots more on the BoundMuscle.com site along with some of the hottest BDSM scenes around.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Tristan Jaxx... the aftermath

Yesterday was my shoot for ExtraBigDicks.com with Tristan Jaxx and today is my day to lie on the couch and moan. OUCH!!!

On the bright side, Tristan is not only super-fucking hot he is also super-fucking sweet. I can't remember when I've met such a normal, sweet, well-rounded guy with what seems like a genuinely good heart.

After he fucked the hell out of me in every position known to mankind and shot a load so big and far that it must have set some kind of world record, we went for some nachos and burritos and talked about just about everything you could think of. Damn does that boy have a good head on his shoulders. He's going to make some man a very, very good husband one day when he's ready to settle down again.

OK... that's about all I can type right now. My fingers hurt. And my legs hurt. As does my back, shoulders, neck and arms. Oh ya... and my butt! (Thanks Tristan!)

ABOUT THE PHOTO...
I've finally got some photos from the shoot I did at The Ramrod in Fort Lauderdale with awesome photographer and friend Sylvester Q. Here is the first one in the series. Me attempting a "mean face". Actually, that fire hydrant aimed at my booty hole reminds me of yesterdays shoot for some reason.

Monday, December 28, 2009

You don't know Jaxx

You probably don't know Jaxx... but I do. And I will know him a lot better after he fucks the hell out of me tomorrow!

I have my second shoot with Men Over 30 tomorrow. This time I bottom for the very HOT and SEXY Tristan Jaxx. The 2nd bottoming scene in my career. (Unless you count the 2 flip-flop scenes or the 3 Butt Machines that I did. LOL)

I actually met Tristan on Saturday night when I was out grabbing a drink with friends at a new club here in Fort Lauderdale. Howard from Fabscout introduced us by saying, "Nick, this is the guy that's gonna fuck you on Tuesday." He can be so classy sometimes. Tristan responded by shaking my hand and saying, "Well, I guess that's your Christmas gift." Talk about introductions! I liked him immediately.

You guys already know that I'm really shy when I first meet people so I probably came off as a weirdo, but I hope we have more time to make a connection on the ride in my truck down to Miami tomorrow to film our scene.

I checked out his photos online and I gotta say that he's one of those guys that photos don't do any proper justice too. I thought he was much sexier in person. He's rugged looking, furry, and a little shorter than me. JUST my type in every way! From the photos I saw online I know he has a pretty big dick. It looked about the same size as mine. It will be like fucking myself I guess. I nice change after the cold, impersonal fuck machines at Butt Machine Boys. You know they didn't even send a Christmas card or and email after our shoot! LOL

Anyway, say a little prayer when you think of me getting pounded by Tristan Jaxx tomorrow in Miami. I think I might just need it for this one.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Death takes a holiday... FUCK! Nevermind.

So it's Christmas Eve and I just finished washing the dirt from my hands. I guess I should have used a little shovel but I only had to dig a very small hole. Burying little birds is much easier than burying a cat or something large like that.

Fuck. I can't believe the poor little thing died. And today of all days. It's like some kind of cosmic fucking joke. Really.

I found him huddled on the floor of the cage. He was in really bad shape. I'm not sure what happened to him. I think that one of the bigger finches or the canary may have attacked him. He was the smallest of the bunch. Him and his partner. His partner is alone now. I checked him out and I couldn't find anything that looked broken or bloody. He lasted about an hour. Then he died.

So I picked him up. Said a prayer. Carried him to the "Pet Semetary" in my back yard. And buried him under the angel. With my cats and all the other pets that have passed in the last 10 years.

Ugh.


Only one left now.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Melancholy Christmas and a box of death

I'm keeping it real simple for the holidays this year. Just me and my dog. Oh... and the birds too. I'm probably going to go to church on Christmas Eve and I might go to see the movie "Nine" on Christmas Day with some friends and then hang out. That's about it. I really don't have a family and none of my friends seem to be doing anything big this year either. It's that kind of year.

I'm not depressed or anything, but I can't say I'm overjoyed either. Melancholy. I guess that's the word that sums it up. It's been a rough year filled with surgeries, the loss of a long-term job, heartbreak and betrayal, and many, many changes. It's also been a year of great personal growth, the addition of some new skills, some great new opportunities, and many successes. Just another year, I guess.

The boxes of Christmas decorations were still on my garage floor from last year, so I opened a couple of them and put some really cheesy decorations around the house. One of the boxes had a whole bunch of Christmas stockings that I have collected over the years. Each stocking with the name of someone dear to me proudly displayed in silver glue-glitter. I remember making each and every one of them. Sad part is, most of the people connected with them are dead. I posted a picture of a few of them here, but there are many more.

So what do you do with the Christmas stockings of the dead? I couldn't quite bring myself to hang them up. Someone told me to hang them and remember the good times and love connected with them. Unfortunately, there are not to many good memories and good feelings that are attached to them. An ex-lover who cheated on me with my best friend and half of New York, blamed me for it ("Well, you stopped going to the gym."), and then died years later. My chain smoking, cancer filled, oxygen mask wearing, abusive, unmedicated, paranoid schizophrenic mother who's last words to me before she totally lost her mind were, "You are going to die all alone in the dark, with the blinds closed, with no one there for you." A stocking for my "father" a "man" I didn't even know was my father until 10 years after he died. Not too many good memories connected there.

But I wrote their names in glue. And I sprinkled the glitter on. Turning simple, store-bought red stockings into pretty, heartwarming mementos. Even if they were not that in reality. I guess I've always tried to make pretty things out of the ugly. Good memories out of the bad. Love out of hate or indifference.

So I pulled out the stocking for my dog Cynder and closed the box. I'll open it again when I have to put the cheesy decorations strewn around my house back in. And I'll scoop out the stockings of the dead. And I'll throw them out. Sometimes glue and glitter just isn't enough to brighten up the darkness. Sometimes you need to clear out the junk that's casting the shadows. Let some new light shine in. A new year is just around the corner.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Are you ready to be Manhandled?

I was online the other day and I found a photo of me pounding some guy against a wall. Imagine that! It took me a minute to realize it was from the shoot I did for the new website "Manhandled" which is going to feature forced sex without the bondage. HOT!!!

It looks like it's finally getting ready to launch and they've put up a teaser photo with the opportunity to sign up for an email update notifying you when it actually does launch. (Click here.)

In June I wrote about the awesome shoots I did in Palm Springs for Manhandled and posted some pictures. My first shoot was with the amazingly hot Derrick Diamond and my second was with beautiful Cole Parker. (He's the one I'm banging into the wall in the photo. He was the pool boy who did a crappy job taking care of my pool. What else was I supposed to do?)

You can read my original post and see pictures here. And you can sign up for the email update here.

Friday, December 18, 2009

My first Men Over 30 shoot

I got a call on Wednesday asking if I was up for a shoot with Men Over 30 the next day. HELL YA!!!

I've been wanting to work with them for quite a while for a couple of reasons. First, I really like the shoots that they do. They are real sex shoots with real guys. No hokey plots or forced chemistry. That really comes across when you watch their videos. Second, I've heard that they are awesome to work for. Third, they are local. You can't beat that!

So yesterday, I headed down to Miami, through the torrential rains, and did my first shoot with them. My scenemate was Sebastian Keys. He's pretty new to the porn world but I think he's going to be going pretty far pretty fast. Besides being beautiful, he's really, really nice and is a great performer. At age 19, he's knew to the gay sex thing... but he's taken to it like a duck to water.

We had great chemistry and the shoot was HOT as hell. We even knocked the artwork off the wall while we were fucking. Doesn't get any better than that!

I'll let you guys know when it comes out if you want to check it out. For now, you can click here to check out Sebastian on Naked Kombat, where he's featured this week.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Slick Nick

With all of the craziness that's been going on in my life lately, I almost forgot that Bound Gods released the video I did for them last month with sexy Gianni Luca. It's seems to be getting some awesome feedback by the viewers. I finally watched it and I have to say I think I might have beaten my previous record when it comes to a cumshot at the end. DAMN! I think I hit Sarah Palin all the way up there in chilly Alaska. (She could use a face full of cum.)

Here is the synopsis, some photos from it and a link to a free preview if you're interested:

Sick Nick
Bound Gods daddy Nick Moretti is all Slicked Up. He turns newcomer Gianni Luca into his private little plaything. Gianni is all very new to bondage but he takes it like a champ. He endures the crop and a heavy flogging. He gets fucked and cum hard in metal restraints. Gianni submits fully to daddy Nick.




If you like what you see and want to see the free preview or the whole film, check out Slick Nick at Bound Gods here.

Monday, December 14, 2009

A sad passing

Today I found out that the guy I did my first ever porn scene with, Todd Welch, died this weekend. He had been battling cancer for a while and it finally got the better of him.

I first met Todd when I was doing a solo video for Massive Studios. My first ever on-camera experience. I was so nervous and things were not looking up (if you get what I mean). Howard from Fabscout thought it would be a good idea if I tried it again with a scene partner. Enter Todd Welch.

I remember thinking HOT! He looked like Christian Slater. I love Christian Slater. Thankfully things started looking up after he showed up and the shoot went OK. You can check out the scene here if you're interested.

Todd lived here in Fort Lauderdale and was a bartender at a popular bar. I can't say I knew him that well, but I can say that the people who did know him really thought highly of him. In fact, there were a series of fund-raising events held to help pay for Todd's medical expenses and the response was great. Besides being cute as hell he always had a smile and some kind words whenever I saw him. It's sad to see someone so young pass.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

ELECTRIFYING!

My Steel Mill Media shoot with Luke Riley that has been getting so much attention lately is finally over. How did it go?

It was fucking ELECTRIFYING!

Literally.

The two of us played off each other so well. We both took turns domming and subbing and then had a special contest at the end to wrap up the shoot. I won't tell you who won that one!

Let me tell you, there is some HEAVY electro-play in this video. Some of the electro stuff that Luke did to me I have never seen done anywhere! Closest thing I could think of is Emperor Palpatine in the Star Wars movie where he tells Luke Skywalker... "And now young skywalker...you will die!" as the sparks fly out of his hands. It was that extreme. Big jolts of electricity flying through the air... at my naked body! I don't think my nipples will ever be the same. LOL. The smell of burning hair on my chest, stomache and legs filled the room. That's how strong the shocks were. It should look really, really great on video.

The guys at Steel Mill Media are AWESOME to work with and Luke is as talented as he is hot. We ended up finishing up the day by pigging out at The Olive Garden before we hoped in my truck and drove the long drive back to Fort Lauderdale. What an awesome shoot and a great day.

Here are a couple of photos I took with my iPhone.

Friday, December 11, 2009

A HUGE pain in the ass

I'd like to introduce you to my two scene partners from yesterday's shoot.

First we have The Crystal Palace.

Next we have The Dragon.

How did my Butt Machine Boys shoot go? You guys are gonna have to wait to find out for yourselves.

I was really nervous before the shoot started because this is way out of my comfort level. I don't play with toys at all in my private life and I very rarely bottom. So getting pounded by dildos mounted on huge fucking machines terrified me.

One thing I will say about the shoot... If you know anything about me, you know that if I'm going to do something, I'm going to do it BIG and EXTREME. I mean, why bother doing something if you're not going to take it all the way to the limit. And take it to my limit I did. But you guys can be the judge of that.

About the other HUGE pain in my ass...

I know I said I was going to put the libelous story out of my mind but one of my biggest personal flaws is that I keep trying to fix things. I keep trying and trying to get things to work when sometimes the right thing to do is just give up.

So I emailed the porn gossip blog that shall not be named and asked them to please remove the libelous statements that they printed, and gave them an actual quote from me on the whole thing.

What did they do? They did not remove the lies. They left them and crossed them out so that you could still read them. And then they pulled out bits of my quote and stuck them together so that it worked with their story and did not convey my message and tone of my quote.

Basically... they suck. I can't fix their suckiness. I can take this to a higher level and threaten them or get others involved (believe me, I have personal friends who are going through EXACTLY the same thing with them RIGHT NOW) and try to force their hand and get them to pull the story. But doing that will only call more attention to them and the thoughtless, mean-spirited, lies that they print with the intention of hooking readers into their made-up dramas.

I have gotten nothing but positive support and feedback from everyone with this so I guess it really should not be an issue for me. But really... no one likes to be portrayed as something they are not. So I'm going to let it drop. I have too many great things in my life... true things in my life to focus on.

I guess the other alternative is the one that Eric Rhodes suggested on the shameful website yesterday after they posted something so horrible that they should really, really be ashamed of themselves. His idea after reading the fucked-up article was...

"Adam just drove me past the Naked sword office here in San Fran... maybe i might just fucking snap and pulls the first gay porn virginia tech... i been contemplating on how to make my name live forever... ya know besides john holmes's huge cock he had the Wonderland murders... i see shit about that all they time on vh-1.....
yeah... the naked sword murders.... hmmmm..."

That's not my style. But maybe the evil gossip porn blog that shall not be named should really take some note of the comment before someone on their end gets hurt for a change. And not just their reputation.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Oh great... now I'm the Chris Brown of porn!

Today started off great. I woke up at 8:00am (without a hangover!) and met my good friend Conner Habib for breakfast. We caught up on what was going on in each others lives and what was happening on the porn scene. Then my friend Jesse and I headed over to the California Academy of Sciences to check out the Planetarium and Aquarium.

Even though it was absolutely freezing outside we had an awesome time. The only thing that could make it better was dinner at one of my favorite San Francisco restaurants, Samavor Tea Lounge. But things went downhill quickly from there. I got a message to check out a very popular porn blog for a story about me. I've always been known to say "there's no such thing as bad publicity"... but I think I may have been wrong.

What can I say about the story? I could get upset and angry (which I did for a short time) or I could just ignore it. But what good would either of those things do. I guess the article was meant as a cute story, but I really feel bad about what it falsely implies. In reality, my friends, my ex-boyfriends, and my porn co-workers all know me well enough to know what kind of person I am. By my beliefs, my ethics and my actions. An abusive person I am not. There was not a drunken fistfight. I've never punched anyone in the head. It does make for good reading though.

Come on guys... wasn't the Francesco and Damien break-up story enough for you guys this week? Oh wait... the link has been removed and I see the story's been taken down from your site. Hmmm... Well then couldn't you just be happy with riveting story of Reese Rideout finding Jesus in a condom? LOL! Really guys... you've portrayed me as an animal killer, a hostage to a crazed psycho at The Armory, and a bitter, jealous, cover stealing, Haylie Duff. Do I have to be the Chris Brown of porn too?

Fact is the guy in question and I are good friends and I hope we will be for a long time. We are both really looking forward to our trip to Orlando and the shoot together on Saturday. (And it WILL be a HOT shoot with all the chemistry and history that we have together.) Have we had issues... Hell ya! But physical abuse was never one of them... on either end. I mean, put a 46 year old porn star with a 20 year old porn star and don't you think there are going to be some incompatibilities? He will always have a place in my heart and I hope the same holds true for him. And for the record, we were never actually boyfriends.

OK... that's enough about that. I remember in one of my Buddhist meditation classes the teacher said that Buddha said that if someone says something bad about you, to check whether it is true or not. If it is true, then change your life accordingly. If it is not true, then forget about it because it doesn't really exist. It's forgotten.

I might as well keep on the "Huge pain in the ass" theme and remind you guys that tomorrow is my Butt Machine Boys shoot. Please say a prayer for my butt if you are the kind of person who prays, or at least send some positive vibes my way. I'm going to need them!

Here are some photos I took from my day at the California Academy of Sciences with my friend Jesse. And for the very Popular Porn Blog that shall not be named... I put a special photo at the very end of the post. NO, I didn't kill it! My friend Jessie almost stepped on it while we were walking through the park. But feel free to make up something more exciting for the readers. Maybe it can involve the creature crawling out of Levi Johnston's ass at an award ceremony, scaring Michael Lucas, who is on stage without an invitation protesting something that is none of his business, and I can jump up and protect him by ripping the vicious creature's head off with my teeth. Gotta keep them interested! ;-)

(Warning to my readers: The last photo is really, really gross. You may want to skip it.)








Here is the gross photo I warned you about.

FUCK... That's a GOOD thing!!

Damn did I have a fucking awesome day!

It started with a GREAT shoot for Bound Gods. The Director, Van Darkholme, took everything back to the beginning. BDSM 101. This was a hot and raw BDSM shoot. Just like in the good ole days when I first started. I know the viewers are going to like it as much as we did filming it. Totally HOT BDSM play and HARD fucking... just like it was in the beginning before all the smoke and mirrors got added on. I think this might be my best work EVER thanks to Van's great direction. Here's a picture for now to hold you over till I get a free minute to post some more.

After the shoot by scene partner (Shane Frost) and I did my Bound Gods tradition and went to Puerto Allegra for Margaritas and kick ass Mexican food. It was great finally talking to Shane now that the beating and fucking were behind us. He is a super, sexy, solid, sweet guy. His performance was award winning but the real life person is even better. I hope we keep in touch after this shoot because I would be honored to be able to call him a friend.

My original plan was to go back to The Armory and have a quite, restful night and the wake up early and have breakfast with my good friend Conner Habib. But my friend Arron had something else planned.

Instead we went to a bar that's name rhymes with FUCK and pretty much should have been named that tonight. I guess Tuesday night is naked sex night there if tonight was any indication. There was a line for the pinball machine but no one was playing pinball. Unless you count the guys on their knees and the balls slamming into their faces. At one point it almost turned into that Jodi Foster movie, but modesty got the best of that sexy birthday boy. And I thought my dick would have been tired from all the fucking I did this afternoon.

So now It's 2:00am and I'm back at the Armory. My head is already pounding from the margaritas I've had. 8 Advil, 2 protein bars, some apple juice, and a prayer. Hopefully I will pass out and wake up at 8:00am refreshed and ready to have breakfast with Conner. The plan is then to head over to the new aquarium with my friend Jessie and then work out my butt one last time before Thursdays Butt Machine Boys shoot. If you're so inclined, I could probably use another prayer or two to help push the odds of waking up in good shape tomorrow.

Monday, December 7, 2009

In bed with Nick Moretti

The HOT bear I picked up last night while strolling through the supermarket is still in bed with me. Nothing like some fur to keep you warm on a chilly San Francisco morning.

I'm here to film nasty BDSM porn? Something is wrong with this picture!

Saturday, December 5, 2009

What the fuck did I do to the TSA?

I spend yesterday flying from Fort Lauderdale to San Francisco with a stop over in Dallas. I usually like flying, but this was a really weird trip. Airports were packed, flights were all delayed and messed up, and people were bizarre.

My head was down in my computer working for most of the trip but I had to keep picking it up to see the madness unfolding around me.

This one cool black chick from "the islands" told me that she was heading to San Francisco to fuck and told me that chocolate was her viagra. She then proceeded to eat a ton of it. When I complained that my leg was stiff an evil smile came over her face and she said, "Bring that over here... I could use something stiff." Nice! I think I love her.

Of course, her hotness level went down a notch when she said she was going to take a nap, pulled out a canvas sack, and pulled it over her head. It looked just like my just released Bound Gods shoot!



I got back to the Armory and opened my bag and WHAT THE FUCK!!! The TSA did it again! They went through my bag and left a lovely little note saying it was a random search. Why is it ALWAYS my bag? Am I on some bad packer hit list?

This time there was a little surprise sitting right on top of the note. Apparently, they looked in the bottom of my boot, found my dildo, and thought it would be cute to leave it on top of my bag so that I know that they know I have one. I guess they stopped at that because the butt plug and prostate thingie were still in there boot. Ugh. I hope they didn't use the dildo! Guess I better wash it off just in case.
What would a post about my trip be without a picure of me peeing in the plane toilet? Here it is!

Well, after a night of hanging with my friends Conner Habib, Alessio Romero, JR Matthews, Arron, Jessie and Sister Roma and drinking WAY to much, I'm sitting here in my chilly room at the Armory listening to the chick in the next room talking on the phone to her girlfriend and thinking about how I need to get my ass out of bed and to the gym. Three shoots this week... this old man has to look good!

Rita Moreto blows chunks

I just got off my flight from Fort Lauderdale to Dallas and am racing to make my connecting flight to San Francisco. I only slept about 3 1/2 hours last night so my ass is dragging today. There is always so much last minute prep work for these trips. Wash this, pack that, dye this, trim that. You'd think I'd get better at all thus considering how long I've been at it.

And now for my review of Rita Moreno's concert....

BARF!!!

I don't mean that it sucked or that she was bad. I mean that she spent the night in her dressing room throwing up. Apparently, she either got food poisoning from following my friend Greg's suggestion that she eat lunch at the Cheesecake Factory, got sick from the Swine Flu shoot that she was so excited to see was available at a local pharmacy and had to have, or ate some bad ass like I did last week. Somehow I doubt it's the last one.

Anyway, I won't be posting any pictures of Rita and I together today. I didn't have the heart to go back stage and interrupt her vomiting for a photo op. And what if she was contagious1

So the show was cancelled. No
one was more upset about it than Rita. It was the first night of her tour and it really was a depressing start. Hopefully, she is feeling better today and can perform tonight.

The night wasn't a total bust though. The VIP reception was nit cancelled and my friends and I feasted on some great food and free wine and champagne. It was awesome if you knew how to navigate around the farting, blue haired, old people that usually make up the majority in attendance at this kind of event in South Florida. I've gotten very good at it. Learning ti recognize when they get the "where am I and what am I doing here" face that tends to appear when they are stopped at a traffic light, waiting in line at the supermarket, or asked by a server at a buffet what they would like. That's when I move in and snatch up that dish of tortellini with spinach, mushrooms and pesto sauce. Get out of my way bitch and give me that empanada and nobody gets hurt. It's survival of the fittest baby!

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Pornapalooza Redux

I always say that things in the porn biz change so quickly that you just have to go with the flow. My upcoming work trip is no exception.

I was originally supposed to fly out on Friday, film Bound Gods on Tuesday and Butt Machine Boys on Thursday, take a break and nurse my wounded butt in San Francisco for the weekend, and fly home on Monday. Well, all that has changed. About 20 times already!

The first change was that Pantheon Productions asked me to do a scene with a new Daddy they were flying into town. They wanted me to bottom for him. Hell... after Butt Machine Boys that shouldn't be a problem!

The next change was that the dates for filming didn't work out and that got scrapped.

Then I found out that the show that Rita Moreno was doing in Fort Lauderdale, and had personally asked me to go to, was on Friday night. So that meant changing my flight to Saturday morning.

Next up I got a call from Kink.com asking if I would like to represent them at a leather theme fundraiser and celebration event to be held in a private home that will be attended by affluent donors. Awesome! I checked out the charity and it is for a great project: The HIV Story Project. You can check out more information about this here. It takes place on Thursday night, right after I finish getting my butt pounded by Wall-E, Robocock and their friends.

Great! So everything was set.

And then it changed... again.

I got a call from Steel Mill Media asking if I was available on Saturday, Dec. 12th to film in Orlando Florida. Ugh. I was planning to spend the weekend after the shoots and fundraiser in San Francisco with friends.

No thought needed on this one. I had such an awesome experience when I worked with Dire and Steel Mill Media on the film "Bullwhipped" and I hoped for the chance to work with them again. And I really, really need the money. That meant changing my flight back from Monday to Thursday night. So now my Thursday will consist of mechano-butt-pounding, followed by a fundraiser, and then a race to the airport to take the red-eye home so I can get ready to make the 4 hour drive to Orlando for the Steel Mill Media shoot. Gonna have to do a lot of meditating to get through this week.

I'm really looking forward to the crazy week ahead of me. I need to get out of my house and live a little. Having the stomach bug and exploding from every orifice for a couple of days and then the nasty MRIs really put me in a mood. Not a good mood. (Oh... a little side note: a friend at the gym jokingly named the stomach bug that I just got over "Assatitus". He's not too far from the truth. I knew that ass didn't taste quite right.)

And one more thing...
Can you guess which one of the guys in this picture is going to be my scene mate for the Steel Mill Media shoot?
This photo was taken at the Armory the day after I filmed my Bound Gods shoot last month. My friends Josh, Kain, and Luke were filming a 3-way scene that day. Sometimes it all feels a little incestuous.

Monday, November 30, 2009

Flying the Coop and a load of poop

Finally out of the nest and into the real world.

It's been a rough couple of days.

I could write about how yesterday was the White Party Beach Party (an awesome event I haven't missed in years) and how I didn't go because I wasn't in a happy mood and really couldn't afford it.

I could write about how I got really sick and spent the whole night exploding from both ends. Puke and poop... puke and poop... all night! Ugh.

I could write about how I just got back from the MRI place where I had many novocaine needles stuck in my shoulder to make it less painful when they put a big ole needle into the joint between my arm and shoulder and pumped it full of liquid dye that would show up on the MRI. And then I spent an hour and a half in the MRI coffin. And that now my shoulder hurts like hell and also feels that it is completely dislocated.

I could write about how I'm feeling alone and disconnected from the world around me.

Or I could write about how one of my baby birds has finally left the nest. Tentatively, at first. It just kinda hopped out onto the branch in front of the nest. Then it took a short and jerky flight to the mess of plants that sits on the other side of the cage. It spent a long while there just checking out the world outside the nest. Birds would come over and check him out and he showed no fear at all. I guess it's doesn't know about hurt and fear and pain having been protected and nurtured in the nest by it's parents. The simple joy of innocence, where the world seems magical and nothing seems harmful.

Of course, I was a nervous wreck for the fragile little bird. What if it fell the long distance to the hard cage floor and snapped its neck? What if one of the bigger birds decided to show its dominance over it and pecked it to death? What if its parents abandoned it before it was ready to be on its own?

But none of that happened. Its legs got steadier as it perched and its flight got stronger and more controlled. It mingled nicely with the other birds. Its parents kept checking on it and it finally found it's way back to its nest and its sibling when it was time to take a nap.

I guess I worried for nothing. I need to remember that and apply that to myself right now. My legs will steady themselves again. I will find my way back home where I belong again. And, hopefully, I will fly again.
Making new friends already.

Dad (on the bottom with the little black marking under it's eyes) and Mom (on the top) keep checking on the little baby. It's beak is still black so you can't tell if it's a boy or girl yet. Males have a deep red beak and females have a lighter, orange beak. Gay ones have lavender beaks of course.

Friday, November 27, 2009

Thanksgiving?

I've had a rough couple of days leading to Thanksgiving day. It had me wondering what the heck I have to be thankful for.

First, the shoulder that I just had surgery on is screwed up again. Not only that, but the other shoulder is even worse than the first one. I went to the Orthopedic Surgeon again and he checked them out. It doesn't look good. I'm scheduled for 2 MRI's on Monday. One of them involves inserting a large needle into the socket, between the shoulder and by arm, and filling the cavity with an entire bag of saline with some traceable dye in it. I've had this done before. It hurts. Then it's an hour in the MRI coffin for that shoulder, followed by another hour in the MRI coffin for the other shoulder. Oh... and the cost of 2 MRI's.

Next, Fishy died. He went from happy and hungry to dead in the course of a day. I really liked him.

Next, I had to deal with some legal matters lingering from my old job separation and the Unemployment Department. My old company fucking sucks! 20 fucking years I worked there and put up with their crap. I worked with abusive managers, lunatic coworkers in an environment that was hostile and depressing. I spent the last couple of years watching as they declared bankruptcy, layed off 2/3rds of the staff and had the rest of the staff absorb the work. The staff that was left was bitter and paranoid and turned to backstabbing and fighting as their way to deal with it. I basically hid in my cubicle and tried not to be the target of any of this. I spent the last months training the guy who I knew would be taking my place at a greatly reduced salary. I had my box of personal belongings packed and under my desk months ago; ready for when the axe would finally fall. I knew it would happen when I was on vacation. That's what my chicken-shit company used to do. And the guy I trained is now doing my work. He's actually a good friend, so I'm not mad at him. I told him repeatedly during the last months of working together that this is exactly what was going to happen and I don't think he believed me. The whole thing has made me so bitter, angry and hateful. NOT something that I'm comfortable with. I strive to be centered, loving and accepting in my life. This feeling makes me feel sick.

Then one of the shoots I was scheduled to do during my upcoming San Francisco trip was canceled. Ugh. I needed that money.

Finally, it was time for Thanksgiving. A time to spend sharing loving time with your family. Well, I don't have a family and when I did there were never any loving memories. Hate and abuse. Those are the family memories I have. No nice turkey dinners with family in a warm, loving house. Instead I had screaming and fighting and bruises and police. So the thought of Thanksgiving made me feel alone and sad.

So what to do?

I sucked it up. I pulled back inside, remembered what was important and I breathed.

First, I went out and got the fixings for a great Italian lasagna and spent the day making one.

Then, I spent some time with my dog and my birds and was happy to find out that there is more than one baby bird in the nest! There are at least two.

And when Thanksgiving day came around, I put on my "Don't Hate Meditate" Hello Kitty shirt, grabbed my lasagna and Joe, and headed over to my friend Jonathan's house and spent the day with my friends.

It was just what I needed. We drank and laughed and ate like pigs. Tim's birthday is today, the day after Thanksgiving, so we had a cake with a candle for every year he's been alive. You could see the glow of the candles from space!

Time to focus on the good things.

1. I can handle whatever comes my way. Always have, always will.

2. I'm intelligent, hard working, and responsible. I'm making money from the freelance web design work I'm doing and I have two porn shoots coming up to supplement that.

3. I will finally start receiving my unemployment.

4. I have an awesome dog and some great birds... complete with new babies.

5. Beta fish are very cheap and, although he won't be the original Fishy, I can get another one.

6. Someone very nice gave me some very beautiful flowers.

7. I have friends. Crazy, dysfunctional, pain in the ass friends. Thank God for them.

8. I looked pretty freakin good in my "Don't Hate... Meditate" shirt!

So I guess I choose to be thankful instead of bitter and hateful.

Here are some photos of everything I just posted about.