Saturday, March 7, 2009

What the fuck.

You know... I wrote the main part of this post a couple of days ago and then just saved it. I didn't know if I was actually going to post it or not. But WHAT THE FUCK.

I am exhausted from dancing in the cage at Ramrod last night. It was a great night and I made some good money. Have to say it sucks watching everyone meet and flirt and hook-up while you are in a cage. 5am and the lights go on and it's just me. Rancid beer smell, bright lights, sore legs... just me.

I also had a pretty rude, but not unexpected, awakening, when I got a phone message from a friend asking if I was at the pool party at my best friends house yesterday. Ummm... Pool party? Ya... Pool party. I guess he forgot to invite his best friend. Not the first time. Definitely the last time though. And the when I see him tonight he says, "Oh... I thought you were working." OK fucker... You have been my best friend for about 2 years now and you know that I have never worked on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon ever. But.... whatever. I wish you the best. Whatever you choose to do with your life and whoever you choose to surround yourself with while you are doing that... I wish you the best. Really. No bad words will come out of my mouth about you. And if you ever need ANYTHING I will be there for you. You were my best friend (even though you made it abundantly clear I was not your best friend) and I will always cherish that. No chance that you will ever read this because, really... why would you? What would you get out of knowing anything about what I think or how I feel... my "friend"?

Right now I'm mellow from waking up at 4:00pm today and going for drinks with friends and dancing a bit. So now it's 10:00pm at night and I am sitting at home alone after 4 margaritas and 2 tequilla shots (no worries.. those drinks were over the course of the whole day and I was fine to drive home) and I am ready to hit the bed with my dog. So I'm going to click the "POST" button here and head to bed. Here goes... "click".

This is the post that I saved based on what happend a couple of weeks ago...
..............................................................................................

I have these oils stains on my driveway. They are pretty much the only evidence left that I unsuccessfully tried to share my life with someone for many years. Apparently, his car leaks oil. Funny, I never really noticed them till he was gone.

Tell me this... if after several months after breaking up with someone (this time because they cheated and then blamed you for "making them cheat") someone who you thought was the love of your life came back around telling you he had "reached a crossroad in his life" and was now sure that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with you. And if he did a couple of little, sweet things that took you off guard and made you think that maybe he actually had grown and had been able to open his heart, get in touch with his feelings and now had the ability to show love. (Something he could never do with you in the almost 8 years you were together.) What would you do?

You might tell him that you love him and always have. That you would do anything to try to have a solid, loving relationship with him for the rest of your life. You might tell him that he was the only one you wanted to have sex with and hold at night when you went to bed. That you wanted to spend your life as his partner, exploring the world and growing together. You might even tell him that you thought the two of you should spend some time with the rest of the world shut out. Reconnecting. Falling in love again. Learning to trust again. Remembering why you loved each other before all the anger and lies and hurt. You might actually be hopeful that this time things were going to finally work out.

What if his response was to say that he was actually learning to connect with his emotions and learning to express them and that the way he did it was by sleeping with people? That it made him open up to you and love you. That he was sure that if he kept sleeping with people that this would grow and that you should start to sleep with people. Date people. Open your heart to others because it would make you sure that you love him and ultimately make the relationship stronger. What would you think?

Would you think "Hey... that's a great idea!" Let's focus our energy on dating others and sleeping around and open our hearts to others while not trying to reconnect at all. That sounds like the perfect way to strengthen an extremely weak relationship!

Or would you think... "What the fuck?"

Well... What the fuck.

Seriously, What the fuck?

Is it me? Am I not getting it? Why can't I see any love or logic in that?

WHAT THE FUCK?!!!!

The stains on my driveway will come out if I work on them hard enough. The stains on my heart may take a little longer.

9 comments:

cub said...

Hey Mr.Moretti~~
Sounds like you're really hitting the bottom (ONCE AGAIN!? WTF!?). I would disconnect with my "friend" too if he'd done that to me. And I'd scrub the stains off asap too. Just for your own sake. I think that was incredibly selfish of your ex to say those things to you, AS IF he did not hurt you enough already! :O
SERIOUSLY, WTF is the correct term here!
Maybe you should take some time off and see other places, travel a bit around the country, it just MIGHT make you feel a tiny bit better, I HOPE.
In the meantime, hang in there, hang on tight! :|

Nick Moretti said...

Hey Cub... Thanks for the message and the concern. I am NOWHERE near hitting the bottom again. I'm actually feeling pretty good! Facing these issues in my life is not easy but is necessary if I'm going to heal, grow and be happy. And I AM facing them. Yes, it stirs up some bad, deep rooted feelings, but as my wise, good friend Bo Matthews once told me... "Once you get through this you never have to go through it again." So I'm going through it. You also have to remember that there are two sides to every story and every relationship. I'm sure I hurt my ex at points as well and his version would sound different. I guess the truth lays somewhere in between. I honestly can't see another side of this last round of hurt though as hard as I've tried.
Funny you mention it might me a good idea to get away and see some other places. I am actually in the process of planning a couple of trips that I've always wanted to do. THANKS again for your concern. :-)

Sue said...

Eight years is a long fucking time to have been with someone and then have the rug pulled out from under you! Holy shit! That's like being married! Ouch! Fuck! That is going to take at least a year to get over emotionally if not more! Geez Nick! How horrible for you. I had no idea. Well, at least now you know that it is over and you can move on. You might seek out someone to talk to about it; to help you through these issues. I have sought professional help with past relationships and you might want to consider this kind of help if it is covered under your current medical insurance. A professional can help you find a way through problems that you cannot solve as they deal with people's issues day in and day out. Talk to friends and find a good one. I have found such help to be of great assistance and highly recommend it.

James said...

Hi Nick, It's James from Iowa. As someone commented earlier, you should go somewhere and just scream at the top of your lungs for as long as it takes.

You must be a person that requires less sleep than the norm. i can't believe all you manage to do.

Take care of yourself. How & what is up to you.

Hugs, James

Nick Moretti said...

Hey Sue... Ya, it was a long time but it's not like it was pure heaven the whole time. We had broken up several times over the years for one reason or the other. We were actually in couples therapy for over a year when the final cheating breakup thing happened. The therapy totally didn't work for us as a couple. You need to be in touch with your feelings for that stuff to work. He never could quite get in touch with his.
On a personal level I have been through therapy several times in my life and have always had GREAT experiences. Right now I am actually doing OK. Feeling what I need to feel (both bad and good) and dealing with my issues. If it does get to the point where I am depressed or "stuck" emotionally I will definitely seek help and guidance from someone.
Believe it or not, just getting the thoughts out (like in this blog) helps quite a bit. Once they are out you can't hide from them and you have to deal with them. At least I've found it works that way with me.
As for the friends thing... I'm still working on bonding with a good set of them. That's coming along though as I weed out the negative, using, abusive ones.

Nick Moretti said...

James... I've done my share of screaming, and breaking things, and crying. Now it's time to actually deal with it and put it behind me.
As for sleep. I really only need 4 or 5 hours a night. I've never needed much and as I get older I seem to need less and less. Don't know why... and I learned not to stress over it.

Tom Gaylord said...

I really enjoy your mix of posts on here Mr...... the porny ones, and the more moving personal ones... it makes for great reading:)

Stan said...

If your ex's car is leaking that much oil I hope he has the sense to replace it before the engine blows!
I'm all for "open" relationships if that's what a couple decides but to sleep around with others to somehow strengthen an already shaky one I don't get. That sounds more like an excuse to fuck around.
You sound like a real great together guy and I think it's just a matter of time before you meet the right guy to share you life with. I know that sounds like a cliche' but I really mean it and hope that you do Nick.
If you do decide to travel just remember where ever you go you always take yourself with you. But you already know that.
Then you've got Cynder! Dog's are so great! They seem to love us unconditionally despite our faults. They are always there for us. If only humans were that way.

rtmaster4al@yahoo.com said...

Nick...... I think your doing fine blog out the bad and that lets the good flow in..... let all the cobb webs melt away your strong mentally and physically ......hugs .....Ned