iFucked

I was feeling pretty good when I got home last night. I did a meditation based on "The Laws of Attraction" and things seemed to be flowing well. One good thing after another. I skipped LaBamba and the gym because I didn't want to take a chance of running into my ex and feeling bad again. So I did some yard work with my dog and then called an old friend and asked if he wanted to have a margarita and some Mexican food in Boca. He did and we had a great time. It turns out it was his birthday too! I didn't even know that when I called him.

Then I got home and found something that threw things off balance. It brought back all the sad feelings I was having yesterday. It made my heart heart and my mind race. It was probably not meant to do that... but it did.

Today I went to the gym and worked out really hard, and I talked to some friends, and I ate a good lunch... just trying to recenter. Unfortunately, I'm still kind of shaky from last nights incident and I dropped my iPhone in a glass of water while I was eating lunch. It's fucked. This is my 3rd iPhone already. Ugh. I can't really live without it at this point so I guess I'm going to have to replace it... again.

That said... I am doing OK. Seriously. I'm not suicidal or severely depressed. I'm just very sad and obsessing. I just need to keep doing what I'm doing till I feel better. Till I heal. I know that. Then I can move on with my life.

Whenever I do an introspective post it comes off it comes off as me being desperate and suicidal. I get emails from readers who are very, very worried that I'm going to off myself. Don't worry, I'm not. The comments and emails that I receive make me feel so great. They remind me that there are good, caring people out there. Even though a great majority of these people have never met me and probably never will, it feels like they are friends. Like they honestly care. It really touches my heart at a time when it needs some TLC.

I guess the part of the reason my posts seems to alarm people is that I write well. I've always had a flair for writing since I was very, very young. I remember winning an award for this really depressing story about a little bird who couldn't connect with the world. He felt completely alone. In the end it turned out the bird had died a long time ago and didn't realize it. He just couldn't let go and move on. Of course everyone else was writing about how much they liked ice cream or why they wanted a pony.

In college I had a triple major: Journalism, Art, and Computer Science. Combine the three things and that's exactly what I do for a living. I originally started out majoring in just Journalism, but I hated editing down my work. Hated stripping out the emotion till it was just facts. I love to write! I hated Journalism.

Another thing about the way I write is that I can usually communicate exactly the way I feel. I am very in touch with my emotions. It's a blessing and a curse. It tugs at people's hearts because they can recall when they have experienced the same emotions, but it also makes some people worry that I am at the end of my rope. Trust me... I'm not always depressed. I'm usually a very optimistic person. And I reconnected with my spiritual (not religious) side a little over a year ago and draw on that when I am feeling very down.

You know how when you are having an argument with someone, and they say something that really gets to you, sometimes you just draw a blank. You are so mad or dazed that you don't know how to respond? Well, I don't know that feeling. I can usually always come up with the exact response needed in that situation. I can connect with what I'm feeling and communicate it in pretty much any situation. When I was in couple's therapy with my ex he was usually clobbered during our conversations. Communication was his weak point. It was never a fair fight.

OK... another post where I babble on and on and on. Ugh. Sorry. I'll stop now. Maybe I should have paid more attention to the editing portions of the Journalism classes that I hated so much. I promise that this will be the last long, depressing post for a while. As payback for it making all the way through this long boring post here are a couple of photos I took with my now dead iPhone from the latest Bound Gods shoot I did with the amazingly HOT Derrek Diamond a couple of weeks ago. That video should be out in a few weeks.