Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Another chance

This photo of me from "Bullwhipped" kind of sums up what yesterday felt like. Blind, bound, abused, beaten, frustrated... and fighting it all without knowing how or why. It's easy to get caught up in that. To let it consume you. And I'm very good at letting that happen to me.

So last night I just breathed, and went through the motions, and let it pass over me. I went to the gym and had the heaviest leg workout I've even had. I watched Top Chef with my dog and cried when Jeff got kicked off and said that the horrible feeling of failure will stick with him for at least a decade. I ate some Lean Pockets, but I skipped the Coconut Rum & Chocolate Soy Milk. Alcohol is a depressant. Don't think I need any of that. Then I answered some emails, followed up with some porn related issues, and downloaded a whole bunch of new guided meditation podcasts. My mood went from sad and hopeless to frustrated and angry. And the anger grew and grew and grew. Anger is my least favorite emotion. Nothing good can come of it. Nothing healthy can grow out of it.

This morning I woke up to a new day. The same thoughts are in my head. The same hurt is in my heart. But it's a new day. I've been given another chance to make things better. To change what I have the power to change. To accept what I can't change. To connect with the world.

So I got in my truck and listened to one of my new meditation podcasts and I got to work fairly centered. Centered enough to be OK when we were called into the office to hear about another deluge of layoffs. Centered enough to be able to spend an hour on the phone trying to find out the details of the latest reductions in our medical/pharmaceutical coverage that seemed very ominous in the letter that was waiting for me in my mailbox last night. Centered enough to write this blog entry and apologize... again... for being so negative and depressing yesterday. It's not my intention to bring anyone else down.

Thanks again for the positive emails and comments. I guess by now you can tell that this kind of "meltdown" happens to me periodically. I don't want to be like the "Porn Star who cried wolf" and scare everyone away. All I can ask is that you give me the benefit of the doubt to be able to work through things and do what is best in the end. It always seems to work out that way.

Anyway, I loaded up the pics from the Steel Mill Shoot and I'll be putting that post up as soon as I get another break from work. Thanks again for sticking with me. :-)

10 comments:

Thonnibg said...

It`s always darkest before the dawn as they say,Nick.
The dawn is pretty close I`m sure!

Hope you feel better.

Hugs
Toni

Stan said...

We will ALWAYS be here for you Nick. We all love you and wish you the best. Right now in these times we all seem to be strugling to make it through from one day to the next. It's all you can do to keep your sanity sometimes.
Hang in there Buddy!
Hugs,
Stan

Samaranx said...

Yeah, Nick, we're here for you.
Listening to you and accepting you.
I mean... you are what you are. Everyone was or will be there, where you are now. And we survived and will survive.

But please be careful. Don't let the anger consume you. Every energy your are building up inside has to come out somehow. Negative Energy as well as positive energy. Don't just calm the waves of it. The heavier the impact will be.
Find a spot, where it's lud or no one can here you, and just scream. It helped me a lot in the past, when tryin to come down, when angry. The energy has to come out, before you can work on getting healthy again.
Anger may be a bad emotion, but it shows that you have too much (unorganized) energy inside you.
I'm not saying, it's the only way. It's just my tiny bit of help.

*hugs with love*
Samaranx

Anonymous said...

Hey Nick, you don't know me but I have the pleasure of knowing at least a part of you thru your writings. And I have to say that I like what I see...you're human...not just a made up, gorgeous man who lives every day with his head in the clouds. We all have our times, good and bad and I would imagine that by writing down your feelings actually helps you in the long run. If you ever want to talk, rest assured you have someone here who will listen...simply that! Len

Tom Gaylord said...

hey i got loads of pills here in ireland for that....... need some fed exed? hehe...............:) jokes, jokeS! hope you feel better mr :)

cub said...

Hang in there, Nick.
You're gonna be alright, because you really are a nice man. That can seem like the source of all your troubles sometimes, opening up or trusting someone and getting screwed over...
BUT don't let these bad things change you, please don't!
Take good care, hope you feel better very SOON.

James said...

It's James from Iowa. So glad to see your post and that u r dealing with "it". Hope the hell u don't lose your job as i did 5 years ago. It was very bad time for me. You don't need that!!!!
Several HUGS!!!

Anonymous said...

Hey Nick, I'm a London-based fan of your video work who has recently discovered your online blog, and I am just wanted to reach out and say how fantastic it is to find you showing the real man behind the image in this place. As someone who is also in dark, frightening places at the moment, I feel a big sense of connection. Mark

Nick Moretti said...

Hey guys... THANKS AGAIN for your words of encouragement and your support. I'm in a much better place now. I just had to put some things into their proper place and had to reconnect with what is best for me and what I truly want out of life.

Basically, I just want to be peaceful and happy. That means I need to focus on those things and surround myself with people and situations that will enable that to happen.

Unfortunately, when you are caught up in the middle of so many negative situations you loose sight of the big picture. You lose sight of what you really want.

I've gotten some distance from all of the emotion now and my brain and heart are working properly again. Everything is OK. Everything is going to be OK. I do have friends (even though sometimes I feel COMPLETELY ALONE) and I am strong and stable. Really, I have a good life.

And thank you guys for letting me share it with you. :-)

Sue said...

"A friend in need is a friend indeed." I don't know who said that, but it is really true. We're not going to abandon you Nick. I'm glad you didn't get laid off. That would be a serious matter to contend with. Layoffs are pretty demoralizing when they happen where you work. Many folks, including me, are having our medical benefits cut slowly away. It stinks and that is why this country needs nationalized medicine.

Hang in there!
Sue