Endings, beginnings and moving on

Don't worry... I am NOT turning this into a video blog. I like to write too much and I HATE the sound of my voice. I just wanted to try out the iSight web cam I won on ebay a couple of weeks ago. I think it works! From time to time I'll probably stick in a little video message or something. You guys let me know what you think.

At the end of the video I said I was exhausted and heading to bed but I didn't. It's now 2:45am. I stayed up and watched the last 3 episodes of Battlestar Galactica. I had Tivo'd them a while back and haven't been able to watch them because it upset me too much. Sci-Fi Friday was "Our" thing. My ex and I. Every time I would start to watch it alone I would just fall apart. But the series ended and it's time to put an end to falling apart as well.

So I did a test run while I was on my flight to San Francisco last Thursday night. I had downloaded the final episode of Stargate Atlantis to my iPhone (I hadn't been able to bring myself to watch that either) and I thought that the flight would be the perfect time to watch it. And it was. I went through whatever emotions I was supposed to feel and when it was over... I was OK. Sure, I wish it hadn't ended (the relationship as well as the series), but guess it just wasn't working any more and it was time to evolve into something else. There is actually a new Stargate series starting soon called Stargate Universe and maybe it will be better than the last series. I guess everything has to end at some point, but that makes new beginnings possible.

So the shows we used to watch together, that used to bond us, are now gone. As long as I was tying up loose ends, I started reading the final Harry Potter book. I bought it the day it came out but hadn't read it yet. I really do have trouble with things I love ending. I'm working on it though. I remind myself that life moves forward, with or without us, and that people evolve and change. I don't know what the future holds for me, and, ya... that frightens me a little, but I'm in a good place right now. I feel strong and confident. I know I can handle whatever comes my way. Wether it be healing old wounds and reconnecting with my past in a different way, or moving forward in a new and different direction, I will be just fine. Feels good to be moving forward again.

Kick Ass!

I got back from my weekend in San Francisco and the GAYVN Awards very late last night. Got to bed about 4am and woke up for work at 7am. So needless to say... MY ASS IS DRAGGING TODAY!

Sorry this isn't a post about the awards and my weekend but hopefully that will come tomorrow. Let me just say it was KICK ASS!!!!! I met EVERYONE!!!! And I had a GREAT TIME!!!!

I know... that's a little too happy of a review... especially coming from me! But I spent the whole weekend with old friends, made some new ones and had some really amazing experiences. Like when Van Darkholme pulled me up during the after party at Wunderland and I flogged this HOT new Bound Gods guy in front of friends and porn peers. AWESOME! Or when a major studio President/Director "guaranteed" me a role in an upcoming film... hopefully with the HOTTEST porn star in the business today! Like I said... Kick Ass!

For now, enjoy the just released trailer for Kink.com's new Naked Kombat website which will be going live next Wednesday, April 8th.

Here cums trouble!

I'm trying to clean up all my work at my "real" job so I can make my flight for San Francisco and start my GAYVN weekend!

Unfortunately, my great friend Bo Matthews got called out of town due to a family emergecy, but I will have the pleasure of hanging with my friends Conner Habib and Race Cooper.

Tomorrow night we will be hitting the "Tailgate Parties" together. No idea what to expect there. Trouble, I think!

Then Saturday night I am heading to the awards with Conner as my "date". THAT should be a lot of fun. Conner has a great sense of humor and I really like the way he interacts with people. Let's see if he puts out like a "real date". LOL

After that, we are heading to the "After Party" and I'm hoping to hang out with Van Darkholme for a bit. We never get a chance to hang while I am working for Bound Gods. He fascinates me and I would love to get to know him better.

Not sure I'm going to be able to post until I get back on Monday morning. Everyone have a wonderful weekend and GOOD LUCK to those who have been nominated!

GAYVN Awards here I come!

I finally make up my mind and booked my flights for the GAYVN Awards this weekend. I really wanted to go this year but I also knew that really can't afford it. So I ran it through my head a few hundred times and decided that going was the best thing for me right now.

First... I need a fucking vacation. Pretty much every one of my vacations for the last year has been a "work vacation". Fly to LA or San Francisco after work on Wednesday night... shoot on Thursday and Friday... fly back on Saturday. NOT a vacation.

Second... "Blue Movie" is up for 5 GAYVN Awards including "Best All Sex Film". I wanted to go last year when "Link: The Evolution" won that category and a whole bunch of other awards, but I didn't, and I really regretted not going. Of course, I am not nominated for any of my performances this year. Always a bridesmaid.

Third... I get to spend time with friends. I'm staying with my good friend Bo Matthews (I love that guy!) and hopefully he will have time for me this weekend. I'm also planning to do the Tailgate parties with my friends Race Cooper and Conner Habib.

Fourth... I need to network my ass! I live in a suburb just north of Fort Lauderdale and have NO CONNECTION to the porn world. And I don't have an agent. So the only way I can get myself noticed by the porn companies is to contact them. I'm a pretty shy person, so it takes a lot for me to do that. I'm hoping that I will run into many of the Directors and Porn Company Talent Recruiters this weekend, Maybe I will catch someones eye and they will put me in their next big film. Maybe I'll finally get a nomination for myself! Or maybe not. My photos are pretty much everywhere right now. Manhunt, BigMuscle, most of the porn sites. I have a LOT of stuff out there at the moment. I need to keep the buzz about me going and I can't do it from my sleepy little South Florida town.

Fifth... My heart is still aching. It's pretty much taking me everything I have to move forward right now. I am moving forward... it's just hard. Probably the hardest thing I've ever done (and I've done a lot of hard things in my life). So getting away and being with friends in an atmosphere that makes me happy will hopefully help heal me a little faster.

So if you attend any of the events, and you see me, PLEASE feel free to come up and say "Hi!" to me. Nothing would make me happier. I'm actually going to the awards ceremony by myself because I was embarassed to contact any of the companies that I've worked with this year and ask if I could buy a ticket in thier reserved block of seats. I would have LOVED to have been sitting with Steve Cruz and the guys at Falcon, just in case Blue Movie wins, or with Steven and Brent from Hot House because I really like those guys so much. So it's just going to be me... probably in the nosebleed seats. That's cool though. I just want to be there.

Here are just a couple of the internet ads out there right now featuring me.

Really Freakin' Proud

I had a pretty good weekend here in Fort Lauderdale. It's the first real weekend where I was actually in town and not working.

Friday night I relaxed with my dog on the couch and caught up on some stuff I've had Tivo'd for ages like Top Chef (Please don't tell me who won!) and Battlestar Galactica (PLEASE don't tell me how it ended!).

Saturday I did house work most of the day, then worked out and went to a party at Luke's house. You'll remember Luke Riley from the Bound Gods shoot we did together a while back. It was just a couple of friends drinking Margaritas and joking around.


Top photo: Luke, Me, Chance, Bobby & Sebastian
2nd photo: Bobby, Sebastian, Tim, Luke & Me

Sunday was our Ft. Lauderdale Pride Fest in the park. We actually have 2 Prides in Ft. Lauderdale. One in March and one in June. I guess we must be pretty freakin' proud!

The whole gang hung out and had some drinks and some laughs. Just a mellow kind of day. We all ended up at the Sea Monster for their T-Dance. A pretty tame Pride weekend. Just what I needed.


Left to right: Me, Luke, Sebastian, Bobby and Tim



I handed this guy I didn't know my iPhone and asked him to take our picture. I wonder what was on his mind?



Luke and I in front of the portopotties. It wouldn't be a festival without them!



The Birthday Boy. His birthday is actually not until Wednesday. If you want to send him a "Happy Birthday" message I have him linked in my Blogroll list.



Zeb Atlas was signing autographs at the Pride Fest. I've heard so many negative things about him and the way he looks recently. Let me tell you... He's HOT as HELL! I'd do him in a heartbeat! (Feel free to tell him that if you see him around. LOL) Of course, I'm a pretty shy guy so all I did was say, "Can I please take your picture?"

New Trailer for Flogs for Fucks

Here is the trailer for the latest Bound Gods video, "Flogs for Fucks".
Check out the post below for lots of pictures from the video.
Click on the link below if you want to see the whole video.
Hope you like!

Click here to see this whole video and more like it at Bound Gods.

Flogs for Fuck

The Bound Gods video that I did with Derrek Diamond and Van Darkholme came out last night and is entitled, "entitled "Flogs for Fuck".

I wasn't able to watch the whole thing but the trailer looked awesome. I did manage to see the before and after interviews (I LOVE those) and they were great! You can feel the energy that we took away from the shoot.

The photos from the shoot are nothing less than amazing. Van Darkholme has a great eye for the erotic and the beautiful. I posted a few of my favorites... Hell, they are ALL my favorites!

If you really want to see more photos, view the trailer or the whole video click here... Bound Gods.

Remember, this was my first time as a sub in the Bound Gods house... I hope you guys like!

Apparently, it's abuse Nick Moretti day!

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

The Piss Poster Boy

I don't go out much to bars or clubs, especially lately, but when I do go out it's always disturbing to be peeing and have yourself staring back at you. Several of the local bars have this poster advertising the photographic services of my good friend Sylvester Q hanging up over the urinals. (You can check out his work and contract him to take some great photos for you or your business by going to his website sylvesterq.com.

When the posters first went up I would get all of these drunken phone or text messages saying, "Dude... I just pissed on you!" What the fuck? I think I would have remembered that. I probably would have been OK with it too. Ya, I'm like that. But I had no idea what they were talking about.

Now that they've been up for a while I still get the occasional drunk and pissing message, but my exposure to the posters is usually just me peeing at a urinal and someone at an adjacent urinal looking at the poster, and then at me, and then back at the poster. "Ya... It's me. I'm the piss poster boy."

I just got word that the scene I did three weeks ago with Derrek Diamond and Van Darkholme will be up on the Bound Gods website tomorrow. Damn, that was fast! It's the scene where I actually am bound, gagged and flogged... just like the viewers kept asking for. So check it out tomorrow if you're interested. I hope it turned out well!

Click here to go to the Bound Gods website.

iFucked

I was feeling pretty good when I got home last night. I did a meditation based on "The Laws of Attraction" and things seemed to be flowing well. One good thing after another. I skipped LaBamba and the gym because I didn't want to take a chance of running into my ex and feeling bad again. So I did some yard work with my dog and then called an old friend and asked if he wanted to have a margarita and some Mexican food in Boca. He did and we had a great time. It turns out it was his birthday too! I didn't even know that when I called him.

Then I got home and found something that threw things off balance. It brought back all the sad feelings I was having yesterday. It made my heart heart and my mind race. It was probably not meant to do that... but it did.

Today I went to the gym and worked out really hard, and I talked to some friends, and I ate a good lunch... just trying to recenter. Unfortunately, I'm still kind of shaky from last nights incident and I dropped my iPhone in a glass of water while I was eating lunch. It's fucked. This is my 3rd iPhone already. Ugh. I can't really live without it at this point so I guess I'm going to have to replace it... again.

That said... I am doing OK. Seriously. I'm not suicidal or severely depressed. I'm just very sad and obsessing. I just need to keep doing what I'm doing till I feel better. Till I heal. I know that. Then I can move on with my life.

Whenever I do an introspective post it comes off it comes off as me being desperate and suicidal. I get emails from readers who are very, very worried that I'm going to off myself. Don't worry, I'm not. The comments and emails that I receive make me feel so great. They remind me that there are good, caring people out there. Even though a great majority of these people have never met me and probably never will, it feels like they are friends. Like they honestly care. It really touches my heart at a time when it needs some TLC.

I guess the part of the reason my posts seems to alarm people is that I write well. I've always had a flair for writing since I was very, very young. I remember winning an award for this really depressing story about a little bird who couldn't connect with the world. He felt completely alone. In the end it turned out the bird had died a long time ago and didn't realize it. He just couldn't let go and move on. Of course everyone else was writing about how much they liked ice cream or why they wanted a pony.

In college I had a triple major: Journalism, Art, and Computer Science. Combine the three things and that's exactly what I do for a living. I originally started out majoring in just Journalism, but I hated editing down my work. Hated stripping out the emotion till it was just facts. I love to write! I hated Journalism.

Another thing about the way I write is that I can usually communicate exactly the way I feel. I am very in touch with my emotions. It's a blessing and a curse. It tugs at people's hearts because they can recall when they have experienced the same emotions, but it also makes some people worry that I am at the end of my rope. Trust me... I'm not always depressed. I'm usually a very optimistic person. And I reconnected with my spiritual (not religious) side a little over a year ago and draw on that when I am feeling very down.

You know how when you are having an argument with someone, and they say something that really gets to you, sometimes you just draw a blank. You are so mad or dazed that you don't know how to respond? Well, I don't know that feeling. I can usually always come up with the exact response needed in that situation. I can connect with what I'm feeling and communicate it in pretty much any situation. When I was in couple's therapy with my ex he was usually clobbered during our conversations. Communication was his weak point. It was never a fair fight.

OK... another post where I babble on and on and on. Ugh. Sorry. I'll stop now. Maybe I should have paid more attention to the editing portions of the Journalism classes that I hated so much. I promise that this will be the last long, depressing post for a while. As payback for it making all the way through this long boring post here are a couple of photos I took with my now dead iPhone from the latest Bound Gods shoot I did with the amazingly HOT Derrek Diamond a couple of weeks ago. That video should be out in a few weeks.