Brief Encounters with deep seeded neurosis

I'm having a bad day. Actually a bad week. Just when I thought I was over the hump with getting over the ex and all of the destructive feelings that came with that relationship... it pops up to fog up my mind. Not that I want to go back to that toxic relationship. I don't. There are just a lot of issues that wore away at my self-worth and forced me to shut down my emotions and my drive for life. It was a sacrifice I made. It was the only way the relationship could continue. It was the wrong thing to do.

You can't live your life "shut down". You can't learn to expect not to feel acknowledged or loved. You shouldn't have to try to convince yourself that your desire to feel loved and connected and needed is selfish. Too many years of that. Not just in my last relationship, but also in the one I had with my abusive, paranoid schizophrenic mother. Years of therapy later and it's still in there. I still find myself feeling bad about wanting to feel good. Feeling week and selfish for wanting to be loved and wanting someone to care. The Buddhist classes have helped me to realize that true happiness is within me. That it can't be given to me or taken away by someone or something else. But that wise knowledge evaporates when I get a pain in my chest where my heart should be. When, against my better judgment, I finally open up to a friend and they cut me off mid-sentence to talk about their latest, well planned industry coup. When I go home to find my dog has peed in my bed because he was alone for too long and was feeling unloved. I hear ya baby. I hear ya.

This was supposed to be a post about the cover for the "Brief Encounters" movie that comes out in a few weeks. About how I was very excited because I thought it was going to be my first cover. That is something I have always wanted. Just to be on the cover. And I really thought this was the time it was going to happen. I mean, I'm not the biggest, most well known porn star in the world.. or the country... or even the city I live in. But I thought I was probably the most "popular" performer in the film.

And then my best friend Tim talked to his best friend Matt and next thing you know they are flying to do a scene for the movie. Of course I knew immediately what was going to happen. What should happen. Matt Rush's first film since the break from him Falcon Lifetime Exclusive contract. It's a huge thing. And rightly so. I can't be mad at him for that. He's a friend of mine and if you knew him personally you would know that he is sweet, gentle, caring and humble. For someone who you could realistically be called "the most well know gay porn star in the world" he really has no ego and has not fed into that "lifestyle" at all. He's just a simple, solid, sincere guy trying to get by like everyone else. And I can't get mad at the guys at Pantheon. I mean, really, for Matt to pick them as his first post-Falcon company to work for is amazing! Especially when he probably could have picked any HUGE company and any HUGE porn star to appear with. Not sure why he made that choice but I'm very happy for the guys at Pantheon Productions. They are probably the nicest guys I've ever worked with and I hope that the publicity that this film gets rockets them to well deserved heights!

I guess what makes it hurt a little more is that the cover actually has a really big photo of my scene mate Conner and I on the cover. But they took a photo of Tim and Greg and positioned it in front of us. I posted a picture of it below, at the bottom of my post. Where it belongs. This is a post about me.... not Nick Moretti. He's a porn star that I play. My picture appears proudly at the top of this post. Where it belongs.