Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Ya... it's a fucking glamorous life

I just got home from what I hoped would be a relaxing dinner by myself in the middle of a crazy pre-folsom week and I just want to curl up in a ball under the comforter in my bed and cry and sleep forever. I went to the little Thai restaurant (Thai Spice II) that I always go to by myself and ordered some soup and fresh spring rolls and pulled out my iPad to read the book I'm reading and I start to hear some load "fuck ya" and moaning from the little table right next to me. I look over and there is an older gentleman (not much older than me) who looks at me and then looks down at his crotch. I look down and the fucker has his dick out and is jacking off while looking at me. What the fuck!

I look around, worried about the other people around us. I give him a dirty look and turn my head back to my iPad and try to ignore him. But he brings up the volume and keeps jacking off and looking at me. Of course now I can't concentrate on my book and I'm thinking what the fuck does this guy have to do this to me right now when I am trying to just find peace in a nice dinner alone.

They bring my fresh rolls and coconut milk soup and the fucker is still at it. It's like a fucking train wreck that you can't block out. I'm shaking now and I know I look like I'm going to start crying any minute. Finally, I lean over to him and say "What the fuck is wrong with you? This is a restaurant you fucking animal." To which he answers, "Why are you looking at my dick... just cause everyone knows you're a fucking porn star." Now I'm fucking so wrecked I don't know what to do.

The table next to me is a group of 2 guys and 2 girls all speaking French and they haven't noticed anything and everyone else is involved in their own dinner conversation... except me. So I try to read my E-book and ignore it, but the fucker just keeps up with it. I pulled out my phone and video taped a little bit of it just in case things got worse and I needed evidence or something. Really, I had no idea what the fuck I was doing or should do. I barely touched my soup and appetizer and they brought my entree out. I poked around with it with my fork but I had no fucking appetite.

Finally, the guy finished his dinner, got his bill, paid and started walking towards the door. I pulled the two waiters over, pointed the pervy douche out, and told them what was going on. I told them to please tell the manager and make sure that he didn't do this to other diners. Of course, he probably wouldn't do that to other diners... I was the lucky one because I am just a dirty, worthless, piece of shit porn star who deserves this to happen to him. I said I had video if they wanted to see it and they said "No". Don't blame them. They looked towards the door and the guy was outside the window making the "he's crazy" circular movement with his finger near his head and looking gesturing towards me. They asked if I was OK and I said, "Not really, I just want to cry right now. This was really horrible and I want to make sure he doesn't do this to anyone else." So I pushed the food in my plate around and ate some of it and then got the check and paid.

The waiter came back over and grabbed my shoulder and said, I want you to know that I told the manager about it. I asked if they knew who the guy was and he said he comes in sometimes and he is really weird. He also said that I looked like I was going to break down and cry any minute and he was worried about me. Nice people that work in this restaurant. That's why I always come here alone and feel at peace when I eat here.

So now I'm home thinking about why this hurts so much. The first thing that comes to mind is an incident that happened on a New York City train many, many years ago. I was taking the train from Brooklyn to Manhattan to get to school one morning and it was crowded as fuck. I was right against the pole, hanging on, completely packed in by people. I feel a hand grab my crotch. "What the fuck!" I try to pull away but there is NO room. I look to see who is grabbing me and out of the sea of Asian women and "Working Girl" looking Italian "Guidettes" I see a middle aged guy staring at me. I try to move away but I can't and he keeps rubbing on my crotch. I was afraid to say anything because I wasn't out, I wasn't comfortable with my sexuality even a little bit, and I was fucking embarrassed as fuck. So I shot him the nastiest fucking look and just tried, unsuccessfully, to squirm away from him.

I managed to pull away at the next stop and got off the train, even though it was no where near my stop. I can't tell you how fucked up I was over this incident. I felt completely violated and somehow guilty and deserving it at the same time. Like the fact that I was a fucking queer (like I said, I was no where near accepting who I really was and being proud of it) and I somehow had this coming to me. I just wanted to go home and kill myself (a thought I had frequently back then, growing up in Bensonhurst Brooklyn during the "Saturday Night Fever" period when fags where sick bastards that deserved to die.) I can't believe those same feelings came up again tonight. I thought I was comfortable in my skin. I thought I had that all worked out.

After typing this all out I am also very mad now. Hoping that bad things happen to this guy and he feels as violated as I do. This is not me. I pray and meditate several times a day. I try to be a good, loving, giving, enlightened person at all times. I put others before myself because that is the way you are supposed to live life.

But right now I just want to rip this fuckers little dick off and shove it down his throat and then piss down his throat. Nice. I don't like thinking like this. Well, everyone have a great Folsom weekend and please, if you come to the Folsom Street Fair, or any of the parties that I was supposed to go to, and now have no fucking desire to go to, think twice before you come up to me and grope me, without even acknowledging that I am a fucking human being because I just might snap.

17 comments:

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry to hear that happened to you! It makes me sick when people treat others differently based on assumptions. :( i have been a reader of your blog for over a year but never posted before tonight.

I just want to say even though I am a big fan of your work I completely respect you as a person and it makes me sick to know some people are just sick. Personal experience, the video, and from what the employees have said when makes me believe he is mentally unstable. That DOES NOT excuse his behavior as far as I'm concerned because if he is able to be in a public place he is aware and in control of his dispicable behaviors. I only wish I could do more than write you my support.

I would love to meet you at Folsom and just offer you a hug but unfortunately Folsom is a little far from Pittsburgh PA.

Take care Nick
Drew :)


Anonymous said...

Just because of the type of work you do doesnt mean you arent a person. People are so fucked in the head nowadays they just dont realize how some shit affecs people. Hope you feel better.

Cristian Torrent said...

Similar has happened to me. I tend not to do public events now as they tend to think they can own me.

Andrew said...

HUGS, next time throw a glass of ICE water on the idiot!

ainman said...

HUGS! Next time throw a glass of ICE water on the idiot!

Anonymous said...

First, take care of yourself and remember that you are a good person with values. I have been in simular situations, just wanting a quiet dinner or a drink and others dont understand when I say I just am out for a quiet evening and then they say, 'oh, you are only nice when you have to be. No, that is not the case. We all need our private and quiet time.

Obviously, this person has no self respect nor respect for others. Hold true to the good values you have and remember good things will come your way.

Be good to yourself always. Life is full of nasty people, but also full of good people, so keep your chin up and remember there are people out there that do care about you.

Hope your day goes well today.

Anonymous said...

Very sorry to hear this happened to you, Nick. That’s absolutely unpleasant, but don’t let one bastard make you feel bad and don’t you dare calling yourself dirty or worthless! I’m reading your blog for 2,5 years and it’s obvious that you’re a kind, caring and a really nice person. You should have asked the waiters to call the manager right away and let them deal with that guy (and kick him out). But nobody thinks straight in a situation like that, I know because I got groped once in a pretty similar way to your train story. I’m a girl and I was barely 13 when that happened. There are a lot of perverts around, but if they do anything, it’s not because we did something to deserve it, but because they are sick. So just try to forget about it and please go to the parties you planned to go and unwind!

Tight hugs,
Liubov.

Andrew Harlow said...

I'm sorry both of those things had to happen you- the train and the restaurant. It doesn't mitigate the offender's culpability but based on their behavior I'd say it's highly unlikely that they have any kind of meaningful intimacy in their lives, so they force physical contact in an ersatz intimate way on those who clearly and demonstrably have no interest in them. When you think of what that must be like, it's hard not to feel compassion for them.

I hate feeling like I have to be "on" for anyone/everyone who might see me when I'm just tired and hungry, so I eat a lot of frozen pizzas with my dog :~)

CT said...

I can only imagine how much that must suck, but don't let it get near you, Nick. You're a great person, and that guy's just a dumbass.

Hugs

Seaguypnp said...

That lowlife SOB has no class, he was probably jealous of you. But he was exposing himself in a restaurant where people were eating and being that he was jacking off he could have also been a health hazard depending on if he had any STD's. Karma will get him. He had no right to try and bring you down to his level which judging from his behavior is gutter snipe!

W Agustin said...

Sorry to hear that happened to you. There are some real bad sickos out there and they think they can get away with anything.

I'm always here for you. Please check your voicemail sometime.

Willie

Anonymous said...

BE STRONG NICK!

{jeff edmondson} said...

You're one of the most amazing and talented guys I know. Admirable. Honest. Reliable. Encouraging. The work you do has nothing, NOTHING to do with the man that I know you are. You are so far above this scum that he doesn't even register on the scale.

This low-life, cunt-juice-covered jerk's deplorable actions show that he lives in a world totally devoid human decency and completely disconnected with reality.

I also believe in Karma. He will get what is coming to him.

You rock, my friend!

Anonymous said...

I think you're a special person, and so much more than what you do. Although I would find it difficult to not ask for your autograph if I saw you in public, what this 'person' did was totaly unacceptable and he's just lucky I wasn't there to staby him with some chop-sticks. He's also lucky he didn't get caught, arrested, and forced to register as a sex offender. What a sick jerk.

Robert A. Geise said...

I don't have much to add, really. But I hope you understand the connection between the recent restaurant event and the long-ago train incident. Since you came to terms with your sexuality, you do everything on your own terms. The person in the restaurant brought back feelings from before you accepted who you are— not just the subway incident, but perhaps the whole "package" of self-doubt and self-deprecation. It's why you ended up wanting to curl up in a ball and cry yourself to sleep, as opposed to beating the crap out of the guy.

Chances are a similar incident will not happen again anytime soon. But you have to realize that some people have fucked up ideas of "porn stars" and who and what they are. This person seemed particularly screwed up and you caught the brunt of it. Even though it's not your fault in the least (I'm not victim blaming, believe me), you might just be better off asking to move to a different table or leaving for another restaurant completely, should a similar event occur. You might not be happy to do so, but it will be better for your psyche than sitting next to someone who is purposefully trying to violate your personal boundaries.

Take care, Nick.

Anonymous said...

Greetings Nick. Terribly sorry that you had to go through that.

I remember hearing about such incidents on a sexuality/living podcast, and the consensus is that what creepers like that (train-gropers, "our little secret' style public wankers) actually want is your "ashamed" reaction. Hence why Mister Restaurant Perv couldn't keep his hands off his eggroll, and when you tried to one-on-one ask him to stop he just turned it around to make it feel like you deserved it: He wanted to make you blush and get more and more agitated because he gets off on it.

The best way to deal with that sort of thing is to actually draw as much attention as possible to the perv. In the restaurant you loudly say "I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU ARE WATCHING PORN AND SPANKING IT IN A RESTAURANT. EW! CAN SOMEONE PLEASE MOVE ME TO ANOTHER TABLE SO THIS GUY DOESN'T FEEL LIKE HE NEEDS TO SHARE WITH ME?" so that all eyes in the place suddenly turn to him trying to get his dick back into his pants. On a train you scream "GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY DICK, ASSHOLE!" and make sure to use the ensuing space that clears around you to point out mister touchy. It immediately takes away their control of the situation and shines a spotlight on what they are doing and the inappropriateness of it, which is precisely the opposite of what they want. Will it make things awkward? Yes... but they were already making it awkward and all you'll be accused of doing is shutting it down... which really everyone would have wanted anyways.

Kudos to the restaurant staff for consoling you, and terribly sorry again that you had to go through that.

Jolt said...

Nick, you need me in you life to give you the emotional support you need and to kick the shit out of a jerk like that.