I just got home from what I hoped would be a relaxing dinner by myself in the middle of a crazy pre-folsom week and I just want to curl up in a ball under the comforter in my bed and cry and sleep forever. I went to the little Thai restaurant (Thai Spice II) that I always go to by myself and ordered some soup and fresh spring rolls and pulled out my iPad to read the book I'm reading and I start to hear some load "fuck ya" and moaning from the little table right next to me. I look over and there is an older gentleman (not much older than me) who looks at me and then looks down at his crotch. I look down and the fucker has his dick out and is jacking off while looking at me. What the fuck!
I look around, worried about the other people around us. I give him a dirty look and turn my head back to my iPad and try to ignore him. But he brings up the volume and keeps jacking off and looking at me. Of course now I can't concentrate on my book and I'm thinking what the fuck does this guy have to do this to me right now when I am trying to just find peace in a nice dinner alone.
They bring my fresh rolls and coconut milk soup and the fucker is still at it. It's like a fucking train wreck that you can't block out. I'm shaking now and I know I look like I'm going to start crying any minute. Finally, I lean over to him and say "What the fuck is wrong with you? This is a restaurant you fucking animal." To which he answers, "Why are you looking at my dick... just cause everyone knows you're a fucking porn star." Now I'm fucking so wrecked I don't know what to do.
The table next to me is a group of 2 guys and 2 girls all speaking French and they haven't noticed anything and everyone else is involved in their own dinner conversation... except me. So I try to read my E-book and ignore it, but the fucker just keeps up with it. I pulled out my phone and video taped a little bit of it just in case things got worse and I needed evidence or something. Really, I had no idea what the fuck I was doing or should do. I barely touched my soup and appetizer and they brought my entree out. I poked around with it with my fork but I had no fucking appetite.
Finally, the guy finished his dinner, got his bill, paid and started walking towards the door. I pulled the two waiters over, pointed the pervy douche out, and told them what was going on. I told them to please tell the manager and make sure that he didn't do this to other diners. Of course, he probably wouldn't do that to other diners... I was the lucky one because I am just a dirty, worthless, piece of shit porn star who deserves this to happen to him. I said I had video if they wanted to see it and they said "No". Don't blame them. They looked towards the door and the guy was outside the window making the "he's crazy" circular movement with his finger near his head and looking gesturing towards me. They asked if I was OK and I said, "Not really, I just want to cry right now. This was really horrible and I want to make sure he doesn't do this to anyone else." So I pushed the food in my plate around and ate some of it and then got the check and paid.
The waiter came back over and grabbed my shoulder and said, I want you to know that I told the manager about it. I asked if they knew who the guy was and he said he comes in sometimes and he is really weird. He also said that I looked like I was going to break down and cry any minute and he was worried about me. Nice people that work in this restaurant. That's why I always come here alone and feel at peace when I eat here.
So now I'm home thinking about why this hurts so much. The first thing that comes to mind is an incident that happened on a New York City train many, many years ago. I was taking the train from Brooklyn to Manhattan to get to school one morning and it was crowded as fuck. I was right against the pole, hanging on, completely packed in by people. I feel a hand grab my crotch. "What the fuck!" I try to pull away but there is NO room. I look to see who is grabbing me and out of the sea of Asian women and "Working Girl" looking Italian "Guidettes" I see a middle aged guy staring at me. I try to move away but I can't and he keeps rubbing on my crotch. I was afraid to say anything because I wasn't out, I wasn't comfortable with my sexuality even a little bit, and I was fucking embarrassed as fuck. So I shot him the nastiest fucking look and just tried, unsuccessfully, to squirm away from him.
I managed to pull away at the next stop and got off the train, even though it was no where near my stop. I can't tell you how fucked up I was over this incident. I felt completely violated and somehow guilty and deserving it at the same time. Like the fact that I was a fucking queer (like I said, I was no where near accepting who I really was and being proud of it) and I somehow had this coming to me. I just wanted to go home and kill myself (a thought I had frequently back then, growing up in Bensonhurst Brooklyn during the "Saturday Night Fever" period when fags where sick bastards that deserved to die.)
I can't believe those same feelings came up again tonight. I thought I was comfortable in my skin. I thought I had that all worked out.
After typing this all out I am also very mad now. Hoping that bad things happen to this guy and he feels as violated as I do. This is not me. I pray and meditate several times a day. I try to be a good, loving, giving, enlightened person at all times. I put others before myself because that is the way you are supposed to live life.
But right now I just want to rip this fuckers little dick off and shove it down his throat and then piss down his throat. Nice. I don't like thinking like this.
Well, everyone have a great Folsom weekend and please, if you come to the Folsom Street Fair, or any of the parties that I was supposed to go to, and now have no fucking desire to go to, think twice before you come up to me and grope me, without even acknowledging that I am a fucking human being because I just might snap.
