I've been staying at home most of the time. But it doesn't feel like home. For a long time I let things go here. Paid attention to my ex's house. Decorated it. Cleaned it. After all, I was going to be moving in there... eventually. 8 years and I was still moving in there... eventually. It was coming this time. Something was coming this time. Guess it wasn't me moving in. It was me leaving his key in his mailbox and carrying my beta fish back to my house.
My house. It was in pretty bad shape. My lawn was torn up. My pool was filthy. My vacuum broke a while back and I didn't want to spend money on a new one if I was going to be moving with the ex and his vacuum.
So Fishy(my Beta fish) and I were back in my house with the birds. I added some new pets to try to fill the void (Bubba and The Fat One... my pet Roborovski Dwarf Hamsters) and planned what I was going to do. I LOVE San Francisco. Have been wanting to move there for a while. I feel like I belong there. I'm an artist (believe it or not) and that part of me switches on when I'm there. There is nothing for artists in the Fort Lauderdale area. Seriously. Nothing.
So I worked towards moving to San Francisco. I even had a job lined up there. Or so I thought. A fucking perfect job. But it was all a big cluster fuck. A "misunderstanding'. Misunderstanding. You can fucking say that again. I was really upset for a while. REALLY upset. It took a while just to get over being mad. Being really, really FUCKING MAD!
I get over being mad, and there I am... in my house. But it's not my house. It's this abandoned space that I didn't want to be in. I know I loved it at one time... but it was just this dirty prison of someones memories. I think they were mine, but I wasn't connected with them any more.
I've been wandering around this house for a while now. Seems like forever. Moving piles of junk into other rooms so I didn't have to look at them. Also, to make room for more piles of junk. I couldn't even focus enough to actually look through these piles and either put them away or throw them away. I didn't care. I didn't want to be here. I didn't want to be anywhere.
That can only last for so long. I ventured outside. I mingled with people. I carried on conversations. I tried to connect to the world again. It didn't quite work.
Back in my house I went. Weeks go by again. I take a trip that sparks my interest in life again. And then just as fast as the spark ignited... it was gone. Lost in this lonely, abandoned place.
So I tried again. And again. And again.
I'm still trying. I really am. I ripped out my very, very old and small "under the counter" toaster oven and took the $100 that my step-dad gave me for my birthday (he got the day wrong but at least he gave me a present this year) and bought a new big convection toaster oven. I use my toaster over for everything. I guess it's a single person thing. It was on sale for $59 so I have enough money to buy a new Dirt Devil vacuum cleaner.
I sorted through piles of junk. Boxes stuff up. Vacuumed.... and vacuumed... and vacuumed. Cleaned floors, and walls, and windows. Spent 2 weeks cleaning the pool. (Ya... it took 2 weeks to turn a horrible green swamp into a beautiful, sparkling blue pool.) Fixed up the lawn and landscaped. I bought some new parts for my hamster's house and I bought 4 new birds.
It's feeling a little more like home now. After such a long time of planning on moving away from here it's going to take a while to settle back in. It's a start.
It's after midnight now and I need to stop typing and start getting ready for my shoot tomorrow. I have a shoot for Pride Studios in Miami. Not sure if it's for Men Over 30 for Extra Big Dicks. I guess I fall into both of those categories so it doesn't really matter. And my scene mate is none other than... Drake Jaden. Yup! We've worked together several times since I first laid eyes on him at the Folsom Street Fair last year. There he was... tugging at the rope connected to my balls with his teeth and I stared back from high above where I was being tortured. It was LUST at first sight for me. We're friends now, so that fantasy is gone, but we have never actually had sex one on one. Should be interesting... to say the least.
OK... I was supposed to stop typing and start getting ready. There are things to trim, and shave, and dye. The glamorous life a a porn star. A life that doesn't really feel like home to me any more either. One that I've been thinking of abandoning. Maybe. Just thinking about it. No big "retirement" announcement like so many porn stars have been making lately. Just thinking about it. Here are some photos of what I was talking about...
31 comments:
House looks great. I think that you are a tattoo artist, but do you do other things as well? Look for something to inspire you to get deeper into the art. Easier said than done, but worth a try. Moving is not always the answer. Need to be moving to something, not away from something else. Whew, way too deep. Have a great shoot tomorrow.
Nice job on the pool. If u don't have one, invest in an automatic pool cleaner if you can. That is what my parents did when I moved away from home! It's worth it's weight in gold!
Nick,
Sorry to read of your troubles.
I know exactly how you feel about San Francisco. I feel the same way. I've been trying to get there for 20 years, and I'm not giving up. If that's where you truly feel alive, then I say go for it. Don't give up any of your dreams. It may take a while to achieve them, but you will. Keep trying with the meditation. Eventually it will bring you the peace of mind you desire.
All the best.
Dunno if you've ever heard of The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron, but this book helped me immensely creatively ...it IS very 12-steppy, but the practical stuff of ... well, practice ... and of owning your identity of an artist rings true for me, and perhaps it would for you, too.
you should always blog. because you impact a lot of people. of course, i don't know you in real life, but i suspect you are a good soul. and from the comments you get, you connect with people and make them feel and think.
and that is a valuable gift to share, my friend.
rock on.
http://www.amazon.com/Artists-Way-Julia-Cameron/dp/1585421472/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1279260388&sr=8-1
Nick, since a long time i am reading your blog, and i am always surprised that it is a mixure of the way you are feeling, the sadness and lonelyness, and on the other way the amazing pictures of you working as a porn star. All the time i read about yourself i get a feeling of someone who must create a world for himselve, who is in harmony. When that is happening you will notice that you not need anybody else to feel you happy. Cleaning your house is a start. Because it will clean your head. Now you have done so, why don't you start with art lessons. (i do a lot with colour drawing pencils) You will see it is a hole different world, a world you create, and nobody else needs to like it. Try it and you will see and feel it.
By the way your pool looks good, and please don't stop shooting films you are amazing.
Big hugs.
Cheer up,Nick!Single people always feel insecure about everything.
You have a beautiful house and I think you can call it home.
You mentioned several times you have some great friends in town.Maybe you should start inviting them more often to your place and make some wild parties like only porn stars can;-)hehe
Besides I`m sure there`s a great guy somewhere out there waiting only for you!;)
Oh Nick. (((hugs))) First, good luck on the shoot and the house looks great. I'm a little jealous of the pool, we sure could use one here. :)
You need to do what makes you happy. What feels right to you. If that is moving to San Fransisco, then keep making strides toward that.
Stop worrying about making others happy and make YOU happy. (((hugs)))
Nick, looks like the meditation class worked well. Meditation lets you get in touch with the junk you push down regularly. Keep at it, there is NOT an endless store of junk to be dealt with in your life. The only way out is throught. Keep up the fight and do not run away from the bad stuff. The missing part of 'love your neighbor as you love yourself' is that you have to love yourself. Peace.
Sounds like an emotional time...but looks like all good steps in the right direction. You've to to have yourself a pool party now :) BTW, your news birds seem camera ready & ready for their close-ups!
P.S. I know what you mean about single folk and their toaster ovens (& microwaves)...your new toaster oven was eye candy in and of itself, LOL!
First of all that pool looks great from here in sweltering New Jersey.
I know how it feels to be "stuck" in one place just dying to get out.
San Francisco has the same effect on me too. Something out there just makes you feel more ALIVE.
I really love it when you post like this. There are others out here who feel the same way you do too.
Ive gotten over being single or "alone" now. Maybe it comes with age, I don't know, all I know is I couldnn't put up with anyone else's BS at this point in my life.
All the best to you Nick!
Nick - it is only ever a moment in time - it will pass - you will feel better.
Shalom to you mate.
Damien
Wow, you are complicated. First I'm no expert; I've just had similar expieriences. Sounds like your living what I refer to in my life as a 1/2 life and your getting tired of it. Having to be "on" all the time b/c that's what others have come to expect. This has a lot to do with not being happy with where you are b/c you don't want to let those around you down by not living up to their expectations of you. Let me know if you find a way out b/c I've moved around a lot and the grass always seems greener elsewhere. Think part of it is I feel controled by circumstances instead of me controling them. In other words, there is always something, real or not, preventing me from being the man I want to be. Anyway, this is getting rather long winded for a phone key pad; just find those little things that are just for you and keep them that way. Find a little piece of beauty where you can and claim it, even if its only in your own mind. In the mean time it sure is hot here in louisiana; know anywhere I can take a dip?
And by complicated I mean interesting and deep.
I know there is a special someone waiting out there for you... I see mine all the time, but I don't know if he really "sees" me. Sometimes the ones that can have the greatest impact are right in front of you. Think of who made you smile last or who made you feel included or loved last. I'm sure that person could give you something you always wanted, a true sense they really care and love you..
Dearest Nick,
It's funny how a person can be surrounded by friends and still feel lonely, keep a fast paced life and still feel bored, have so much and yet feel so empty.
I know these feelings well...and empathize with you more than you can know.
I'm an artist too and my fellow artists always advise me to pour my heart onto a canvas or into some 3D work and yet I can't seem to fathom when I am not feeling inspired.
The only thing that keeps me hanging on when I just don't feel up to it, is knowing that things can change on a dime. You can turn that corner and meet someone who can change your life...either career wise, romantically or even spiritually.
You have more warmth of spirit, talent to amaze and love to gift some lucky someone...someday. It will not go wasted. I promise you. This soul will want to give you all of himself in return.
However, for now, like me... you are stuck in the "in between" time. For now, you only have to hang on and breath. Remember that you can get out whenever you choose, you can just turn the corner...and just breath.
It isn't easy...but you can make it through this...just breath.
Michelle M.
Nick
I have to admit there are times that I just want to give you a hug and tell you not to give up.For me living in an old house with my uncle after 3 years is a hard adjustment.i have nothing in common with anyone here in Hollister,CA(funny how Fab Scout Howard knows where I live)and my sense of adventure and excitement lies in San Francisco.I seem to be the happiest there yet people that I have met seem to let me down.I end up back in my room online alone.I promised you those Margaritas at Moby Dick next weekend.I am a man of my word.
xoxoxo
Always the best fo you.
Thank you sharing so much of yourself.
Hey Nick,
Thanks for sharing so much. I can't offer much advice. A lot of the other commenters had some great advice. All I can say is that I just wish you happiness and I'm sending positive thoughts your way.
Sounds like you're transitioning. Those periods are always rough and I can certainly identify with it. Hopefully it means your headed for something good on the other side of it.
Sure is a cute pic of you in the bathroom ... your trip to NYC took at least 5 years off of you Nick.
Toaster ovens: Love 'em! Own two right now, a "spiffy" (I don't actually use that word) lol Black & Decker convection jobbie in NS and my high-falutin' Krups convection here in TO. A family fried gave me my first one when I went off to McGill University when I was a kid ... haven't been without one since. That should tell you something about my love life. LOL
WHOA: Just scolled the pix and got what I thought was going to be a huge f*ckin' red dildo ... actually thought maybe you'd liberated one of the butt machine boys toys. Scrolled a little further and it turned out to be your "swanky" (don't use that word every day either) new vacuum cleaner ... DAMN! Can you spell "disappointed"?
Could use a dip in that pool of yours about now ... man, it looks amazing ... very inviting! Toronto's been at it's usual humid high 90's this summer (higher counting the humidex - whatever that is! Anyway, as the green broad in WICKED says, "I'm Melting!"
Anyway Nick (hoisting a mojito) ... here's to better days ahead!
Shit! It's clear I posted THAT on just one cup of coffee ... typo city!
You house looks wonderful. You did a fantastic job at cleaning up.
To clear up those troubles try to find another outlet. You mentioned decorating your ex's house, head on over to pier-one and home depot and do some retail therapy. ;-D
Just remember no matter what that people love you. If they don't show it they they are assholes.
Saw and hamster cage and thought of you
http://www.petsmart.com/product/index.jsp?productId=2754666
what your ex- looks like ?
Hey Nick,
I think you need to do whatever you feel is right for you; explore those other parts of yourself. If you do decide to end that part of your life, I think I speak for everyone when I say that we'll all miss you but we would rather you be happy doing something else than miserable doing this. As i've said before, we all have to go through those transitions in our lives. But remember it's not all environmental it's mental too and if you don't deal with those issues then you could go half way around the world and still be unhappy. I'm currently working on the mental and I have hope that when I finally leave this peninsula I can at least be on the road to true happiness.
Home is where the heart is, so follow your heart and trust yourself and your decisions whether the outcome be good or bad because life is just one big lesson that you never stop learning. I know, another long comment but what are you gonna do?
Zee
Ah Nick
There once was man who always felt the world was passing him by.
Among crowds he felt alone, alone he felt sufficated.
Yet hurriedly he went to and fro, never staying in one place for long. For whereever he went he thought he would get ahead just to find himself inanother stagnet pool of hopes and dreams gone by while friends and family who stayed behind moved ahead.
Then on that fateful day when time, dreams and hope was left behind, the little man at last stood before his maker.
"What do you have to say for yourself and your life on earth" says the Lord.
"What do I have to say?" replies the little man.
"Yes" says the Lord.
"All my life I was trying to make a good life for myself. I traveled the world. I changed jobs, changed careers, changed friends, changed everything I could.
But each time I started to get a head, WHAM, I'm kicked down again.
Why did you do this to me my Lord" shouts the little man in anguish.
"Ah, I see you have noticed my interferience in your life" says the Lord.
"Yes I have and why did you hurt me so?" asks the little man.
"But I didn't hurt you." replied the Lord.
"You see, you kept thinking that the grass was greener than where
you stood. When in fact, what you saw were weeds, and the pain
you felt was me pulling the damn things out by the roots so your
grass would grow strong and full where you stood."
B-
Nick,
If you were still "moving in" after 8 years, your ex's place was never a "home", but more of a "house".
It does sound like you're making your place back into a "home" though and that's good. A home is where you entertain friends and family. A home is where you build a life.
Continue working on your sanctuary which is your home. Reach out to your friends and include them in your life. You can't let what your ex did get to you forever or you'll never be able to rebuild your life and move on.
You're sexy, you're handsome, you're fit and you seem like a nice guy. Work that for all it's worth!
Now that you've got the pool sparkling, hire a gay pool service to come maintain it. If you're not feeling the idea of a hot gay man coming to clean your pool, specify that you want a lesbian. She'll be able to change the oil and rotate/align the tires on your truck after she's done with the pool!
hi nick
your blog is one of the ones i make a point of reading because it's honest and you are candid about it all
you seem like a great guy and have a lot of talent (including the great physique and the cheeky grin!)
as guy that is older, you are so good looking and so charismatic, you give guys hope in a world that is largely shallow and youth-focussed
follow your heart and i am sure you will win out
dave
Classic AvPD-- google it.
Anonymous
I googled AvPD as you suggested.
The essential feature of the avoidant personality disorder is a pervasive pattern of social inhibition, feelings of inadequacy, and hypersensitivity to negative evaluation.
Anxious (avoidant) personality disorder characterized by feelings of tension, apprehension, insecurity and inferiority. These individuals wish to be liked and accepted but experience hypersensitivity to rejection and criticism. Personal attachments are restricted. People with the anxious personality disorder have a tendency to avoid activities by a habitual exaggeration of the potential dangers or risks involved. They believe that they are socially inept, personally unappealing and inferior
And here I thought I was just going through some rough time and actual problems. LOL
I do have a bunch of disorders that I have been in therapy for over the years (like OCD, an eating disorder, even panic disorder at one point), but I don't think this one hits the mark at all. I don't feel insecure or inadequate, I don't avoid activities because of fear of the danger or risks involved, I'm really not hypersensitive about negative evaluation, and I don't think I am socially inept, personally unappealing and inferior.
I just have my own way of dealing with disappointment, stress and problems. I tend to withdraw and reconnect to my true feelings and what is important to me. As soon as I find my direction I reconnect with enthusiasm.
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