UNSUITABLE

I've been working pretty hard for a job opportunity that I really, really wanted. One that I thought I would be great at and that I have a huge passion for. One that seemed to fit perfectly with the direction my life was going in. One that would help me to move to San Francisco... a place that I have come to love over the past few years.

But things got fucked up. Really fucked up. There was a miscommunication and the opportunity disappeared. It sucks. It hurts. It's like the rug got pulled out from under my life. It has left me thinking... What now?

It would be one thing if I even got the chance to fight for the job. But I didn't. My gloves were on but I didn't get the opportunity to even get into the ring for the fight. It's like someone had given me the wrong address and, after finally finding the correct location, the fight was over. If I would at least have had the chance to present myself for the position I would have been OK hearing that I was UNSUITABLE.

I have to believe that this is what is meant to be. That my life is supposed to go in another direction. I'm using the Buddhist practices that I have to keep centered and try not to be angry. I have to say it's not easy. I've lost so many things that I thought defined me over the past year. Like my job of 20 years. Like my relationship. (Yes, I had gotten back together with my ex again and, yes, he did it again. Lied. Cheated. Broke my heart. After 8 years was there really a reason to do that again? I guess so.) Seems like all of the things that had defined me as a person are gone.

So what now?

Great question.

I picked up one of my favorite Buddhist meditation books, "The New Meditation Handbook" by Geshe Kelsang Gyatso. I opened it to a random page and I started reading. Hoping that the universe would use the book to show me what I needed to find center. The page I opened to was a meditation entitled "Ageing". Some paragraphs from the meditation are:

"We have wrinkles on our forehead, but not because we have too much flesh; it is a warning from the Lord of Death: You are about to die."

"Out body sways as we walk, but not because we think we are important, it is a sign that our legs cannot carry our body."

"We walk bent and gazing at the ground, but not because we are searching for lost needles; it is a sign we are searching for our lost beauty and memories."

Great. Just what the fuck I needed to meditate on... right?

Actually, it was. It was a wake up call. A reminder. I am strong and have all my senses. I have a strong life force. I will never be younger than I am now. I can still work on myself... physically and spiritually. That will not always be the case. Someday I will be too weak to do that.

So it's time to put the gloves back on and climb into the ring. There are other job opportunities out there that will ignite passion in me. There are other men out there that will treat me well and respect me. There is a whole world out there and I really have nothing holding me back any more. Now I just have to stop crying and get off the couch and do something about it.

By the way, I am finally on the cover of a porn film. That was one of the things in my "bucket list". Something that I really, really wanted to see. It's the cover of the new "daddies in suits" movie... UNSUITABLE from Pantheon Productions. The release date will be June 1st. I've posted both the front and back covers here.