I'm trying to trudge along and feel enthusiastic about my trip to Chicago. I'm also trying to "find center" and some sense of happiness again. God does that sound depressing. LOL. I'm just in a funk. Everyone gets in a funk from time to time. There are actual reasons behind my funk so it's not like I'm crazy. Or too crazy at least. I need to deal with my crap and put it behind me. Or better yet I need to move forward.
I haven't been sleeping very much and I've had to take generic Ambien to help me fall asleep. I would rather take Lunesta but my insurance doesn't cover it and I can't afford it. If I take Ambien more than one time in a week I get really messed up dreams.
Some examples of the dreams I've had this week:
I dreamed that I was lost in some white trash town, found a fast food restaurant, walked into the rest room there and found my ex getting fucked by a group of guys on the floor of the handicap store. I immediately walked out before he could see me and as I did the police entered the rest room. I kept walking out the door, got into an empty car and drove away. As I was driving I realized that the car had no breaks. I drove out of control down the streets and highways trying to avoid smashing into other cars or flying off of cliffs.
In another dream I was back in Brooklyn in the old one room apartment I "grew up" in. I stepped out into the small back yard and there was now an small in-ground pool. It was very old and the sun had bleached it's surface bright white and made it look dried out and chalky. It was so bright that it actually hurt yours eyes to look at it. It did look like it would be refreshing though. On the other side of the small pool there was a small patch of dirt where a garden or at least grass should be. That was the same spot where my biological father lived in real life. It now looked pretty much like a cemetery plot. In real life I didn't know this neighbor was my "real father" until years after he had died of cancer. Anyway, I told my mother that I would put in new grass for her. It doesn't happen often (thank God) but it's never a good thing when I dream about my dead mother.
Fucked up dreams. All of my inner crap coming out in long, random scenes that feel way too real. It's probably better just not to sleep. I have only taken them 2 or 3 times a week lately. I actually just to a break from writing this post, did some online research, and read the list of side effects...
- More outgoing or aggressive behavior than normal
- Strange behavior
- Worsening of depression
- Suicidal thoughts
During the day I am trying to be productive and take an active role in feeling better. I gave myself a new haircut. Shaved to the bone on the sides. Not sure if I'm too old for this haircut but I'm sure I'll find out in Chicago this week. I'm also wearing the t-shirt I just bought in Out of the Closet thrift store for $3.99. It says "Whip me honey" on the top and "S&M has gone mainstream" on the bottom. Cool.
I got a little friend for Bubba. I was afraid he would be lonely and I read that they do well with friends. I bought one that I think is a female (Yes, there might be little Bubba's running around one day.) and made sure it looked different enough from Bubba so that I could tell them apart. This one has lighter fur and is fat. Really fat. There was only one choice when it came to picking her name. Meet... The Fat One.
I'm almost finished with the AWESOME book I've been reading. I LOVE really good science fiction and this is really, really good. I bought the book a long time ago. I'm constantly buying books and saving them for the time in my life that I need to read them. That probably sounds weird but it works for me. Right now I needed to be lost in a good, strong story in another world. Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card is truly amazing! I've wanted to read it for years and years and I'm very glad I waited until now.
I also got a package with three more books in it today. I got an email from someone who reads this blog recommending the book "That which you are seeking is causing you to seek" by Cheri Huber. I checked it out online and liked the section that I read. I actually ended up buying three books from the same author that I thought would help me right now. Thank you Cap'n Porksword for your recommendation!!!