Monday, July 6, 2009

Happy Birthday to me? Ugh.

(Note: This post has been heavily edited so that certain people won't feel bad.)

First, here is the traditional picture of me in my birthday suit. (Damn I wish my chest hair would grow faster and I can't wait to start back at the gym!)

I've been growing my beard out for a couple of weeks but finally shaved last night because I wanted to start my new year out clean and fresh.

So today is my 46th birthday. I can't say it's a happy one. I'm back at my desk after a long eventful weekend. Unfortunately, it ended badly. Very badly. I wrote a whole long, well written post detailing my whole weekend, filled with lots of irony and angst, but I'm not going to post that. I've been trying to keep my personal life... personal. I've been hurt enough and I'm not trying to hurt anyone else. Even if he hurt me very, very badly. So this is all I'm going to say about my weekend...

Thursday night went to a much needed meditation class at the Drolma Buddhist Center.

Friday, I gayed up the bird cage with lots of plants. It's really beautiful now. I had a nice dinner with my good photographer friend Howard (Sylvester Q) and then ran into Ty LeBouf, who was visiting for the weekend. He is such a sweet and fun guy. I couldn't stay out for more than a half hour because my shoulder was killing me.

Saturday, the 4th of July, I went to the beach for a bit (first time in over a year) and then went to see the fireworks at the beach near my house at night. AWESOME!!!

Sunday was the grand opening of a new club on Fort Lauderdale beach that will host an Alegria party every now and then. This was the first party and I was not sure I was going to go due to my shoulder. But, hey, it was my birthday evening and I wanted to go out, have fun, and celebrate.

The night started out great. The place was beautiful and I danced with my friends. It all went downhill really quickly though when someone that I had cared for did some really crappy things to me. I spent midnight alone because I couldn't find my friends.

What a great birthday. Ugh. I took a Lunesta and went to bed. I had to work in the morning. Oh... and I have a nice bruise on my back.

I woke up this morning feeling very sad. But the universe has been trying to cheer me up. My birds were happy and singing as I got ready for work. Beautiful, fragrant Jasmine greeted me as I stepped out of my door. A huge Hibiscus flower waited for me as I stepped into my truck. I drove to work listening to NPR and trying not to obsess about the night. But, of course, I did.

I'm sitting at my desk at work now feeling really bad about what happened. Feeling hurt that this guy hurt me again. That he didn't even own up to it. That I trusted him again. Maybe this year I'll actually grow up and learn how to not set myself up for heartache. Thank God for birthdays and new beginnings. So... here's to 46 and a happy new year for me. Hopefully filled with peace, love and happiness.

11 comments: said...

Happy Birthday man.... fuck the past I agree birthdays are a new beginning......come on up to NYC and I will show u a happy time no strings.... u are one hell of a man woof woof........Ned

Anonymous said...

Dude that sucks about what happened. But don't feel bad. The guy I'm seeing did the exact same thing (making out w.another dude) and then told me he felt sorry for the guy and did it out of pity. It happens to all of us even the hotties like you. You will find the guy. Trust me, I know plenty of guys that would love to be with you.

slyder said...

Happy Birthday, Nick. On my 46th birthday I tore a rotator cuff at the gym. Nowhere is it written that the day will be any different than any other. You've been through a lot in the past few months and really didn't need any more bad shit. But you look terrific even for a man a lot younger than you! Find a pic of your grandparents when they were 46 and you will see they were old by that age. In fact, you are amazing! You are just getting started! A bad night out happens to everyone. Sounds like someone has a problem, and it isn't you! Let it roll off your back. Be stronger than they are! Don't let the bastards beat you down.

Anonymous said...

Dear Nick,

Belated greetings. And don't freak out about growing old. You are ageing gracefully and that shows on your beautiful skin. One of the most amazing I've ever seen.

And I must say I am back to your blog after nearly three months. I do feel sad for you, after having read all that you had to go through while I was not reading your blog. Though I must also say, you have only kept your fantastic sense of humour up to very very high standards. I won't ask you to forget what the guy did to you, cos asking won't mean you'll do it, right? But yes, focus on other things, and if you can afford to, and health permitting, just travel to one nice sea resort to spend time reading good stuff and eating good food and meeting people from a completely different culture, and meditate! You could pick up the Line of Beauty by Alan Hollinghurst, very non-American, but very stylish. Feelings wise, I am going through something similar, just got emailed to be told indirectly that he won't let the wall surrounding him have the slightest crack. Telling myself one thing, and advising you the same - if he doesn't care about how hurt we are, why should we bother to suffer. Just divert your mind to something different.

Oh yea, please don't take me for a 70 year old sage, I am just 25, so I know, as well as you do, it's easy to preach than to follow. Now, I am not being very saintly either!

XX Neil

Pick said...

Thanks for all those pix ... the ones of you AND of the Jasmine and Hibiscus.

Hey! Are you now in NJ hangin' out with Stan and his Hibiscus. Sherlock here seems to remember Stan has a lovely red hibiscus too. ;O{) You'd be far better off hanging out with him than the young "whippersnapper" whom you allowed to ruin your weekend. I know Stan would NEVER hurt you!

About that young guy ... he's finding himself. Maybe he'll always be a guy who is out for himself or maybe not, BUT ... you don't want to be getting caught in the middle of his problems or his growing up. They are HIS problems not yours and you've already grown up. Nobody needs to go through THAT twice!

If I were your best friend, and had been for a while, I'd take you and give you a good shake (carefully, of course on account of the shoulder) and give you some advice. SInce I'm not in that position, enough said!

In the above 4 comments each guy has said some really good stuff. So I'm just going to resort to cliches here and maybe reiterate a bit of what's already been said ...

Birthdays are just another day!
You're only as old as you feel!

And one of my own ... Nick, you ARE a young guy ... in body, mind and spirit and you don't need to find your youth in someone else. You already embody it, and unlike a lot of people you're blessed with genes that keep you looking young, as well as feeling it. 46 is NOT old or even approaching "old"! Take that from an ancient, learned, 48 year old sage, ok? ;O{)

Leave what hurts you behind and both look and move forward, is the best advice I can give you.

Best always and BIG cyber hugs to ya.

Stan said...

Ditto all the above. Happy Birthday Nick!

Stan said...

Just think how happy we would be if we could wake up each morning singing like those birds instead of dealing with all the bullshit in our lives?

Robert A. Geise said...

A) Your "birthday" pic shows you without a huge hardon; that's a plus.

B) You listen to NPR; Yesssss!

C) You chose not to sell the drama further and edited your post. Well done.

You surely don't need my approval, but all of the above (plus taking time to appreciate the flowers, general introspection, hopeful of new beginnings, etc.) put you in a grand place in my book. I know we haven't been properly introduced (I'm sure I added your blog randomly from another blog from yet another blog), but I'm Bob. I live in New Jersey, and I'm a poet. I've pleased to meet you and glad to know you.

Be well, and happy birthday (so say we all!)...

Bob G. in NJ

Anonymous said...

nick i love reading your blog it is always so well written. I hope you find someone that will treat you with love and respect and that they find you as well

Sue said...

Why focus on what some shithead did to you? Let it go. It is in the past now. Time to move on. Bigger and better things await.

You are hotter than ever; just take a look in the mirror. Thousands of men and women would give anything to be with you. I predict that you will only get hotter for the next 5-10 years. Some gray hair would soften your look and make you a really hot daddy!

Happy Birthday Nick!

JOLT said...

Nick, it is just a matter of time before you find the person who really understands you, respects you and finally and most importantly, loves you.

I too think it is cool to hear from you on this blog. Sometimes it is earier to express your feelings in a monologue. No fear of judgement.

From reading the other posts here, you truly do have a support group of sorts. I bet you if all of these people here were to meet you, it would be like getting together with "old friends". I'm sure we would all come in different shapes and sizes, but I'm thinking you wouldn't care.

That being said . . . I'm sure every one of us would die to get a turn at sucking your enormous dong and swallowing!! Ha!!

How is that for a mood swing!!