I haven't been posting every day like I used to. I've felt like posting, but I didn't think I should post what I was thinking... feeling. I've been feeling so many things lately. Lost. Alone. Sad. Angry. Disappointed. With moments of: Happiness. Thankfulness. Creativity. Love. Add it all together and it's a big fucking mess. That sums me up right now... a big fucking mess. I just got back from my meditation class. I can't say it was successful, but at least I tried. I guess I should try posting too. Here goes...
I've been staying at home most of the time. But it doesn't feel like home. For a long time I let things go here. Paid attention to my
ex's house. Decorated it. Cleaned it. After all, I was going to be moving in there... eventually. 8 years and I was still moving in there... eventually. It was coming this time. Something was coming this time. Guess it wasn't me moving in. It was me leaving his key in his mailbox and carrying my beta fish back to my house.
My house. It was in pretty bad shape. My lawn was torn up. My pool was filthy. My vacuum broke a while back and I didn't want to spend money on a new one if I was going to be moving with the ex and his vacuum.
So Fishy(my Beta fish) and I were back in my house with the birds. I added some new pets to try to fill the void (
Bubba and The Fat One... my pet
Roborovski Dwarf
Hamsters) and planned what I was going to do. I LOVE San Francisco. Have been wanting to move there for a while. I feel like I belong there. I'm an artist (believe it or not) and that part of me switches on when I'm there. There is nothing for artists in the Fort
Lauderdale area. Seriously. Nothing.
So I worked towards moving to San Francisco. I even had a job lined up there. Or so I thought. A fucking perfect job. But it was all a big
cluster fuck. A "misunderstanding'. Misunderstanding. You can fucking say that again. I was really upset for a while. REALLY upset. It took a while just to get over being mad. Being really, really FUCKING MAD!
I get over being mad, and there I am... in my house. But it's not my house. It's this abandoned space that I didn't want to be in. I know I loved it at one time... but it was just this dirty prison of
someones memories. I think they were mine, but I wasn't connected with them any more.
I've been wandering around this house for a while now. Seems like forever. Moving piles of junk into other rooms so I didn't have to look at them. Also, to make room for more piles of junk. I couldn't even focus enough to actually look through these piles and either put them away or throw them away. I didn't care. I didn't want to be here. I didn't want to be anywhere.
That can only last for so long. I ventured outside. I mingled with people. I carried on conversations. I tried to connect to the world again. It didn't quite work.
Back in my house I went. Weeks go by again. I take a trip that sparks my interest in life again. And then just as fast as the spark ignited... it was gone. Lost in this lonely, abandoned place.
So I tried again. And again. And again.
I'm still trying. I really am. I ripped out my very, very old and small "under the counter" toaster oven and took the $100 that my step-dad gave me for my birthday (he got the day wrong but at least he gave me a present this year) and bought a new big convection toaster oven. I use my toaster over for everything. I guess it's a single person thing. It was on sale for $59 so I have enough money to buy a new Dirt Devil vacuum cleaner.
I sorted through piles of junk. Boxes stuff up. Vacuumed.... and vacuumed... and vacuumed. Cleaned floors, and walls, and windows. Spent 2 weeks cleaning the pool. (Ya... it took 2 weeks to turn a horrible green swamp into a beautiful, sparkling blue pool.) Fixed up the lawn and landscaped. I bought some new parts for my
hamster's house and I bought 4 new birds.
It's feeling a little more like home now. After such a long time of planning on moving away from here it's going to take a while to settle back in. It's a start.
It's after midnight now and I need to stop typing and start getting ready for my shoot tomorrow. I have a shoot for Pride Studios in Miami. Not sure if it's for Men Over 30 for Extra Big Dicks. I guess I fall into both of those categories so it doesn't really matter. And my scene mate is none other than... Drake
Jaden. Yup! We've worked together several times since I first laid eyes on him at the Folsom Street Fair last year. There he was... tugging at the rope connected to my balls with his teeth and I stared back from high above where I was being tortured. It was LUST at first sight for me. We're friends now, so that fantasy is gone, but we have never actually had sex one on one. Should be interesting... to say the least.
OK... I was supposed to stop typing and start getting ready. There are things to trim, and shave, and dye. The glamorous life a a porn star. A life that doesn't really feel like home to me any more either. One that I've been thinking of abandoning. Maybe. Just thinking about it. No big "retirement" announcement like so many porn stars have been making lately. Just thinking about it. Here are some photos of what I was talking about...