Thanksgiving?

I've had a rough couple of days leading to Thanksgiving day. It had me wondering what the heck I have to be thankful for.

First, the shoulder that I just had surgery on is screwed up again. Not only that, but the other shoulder is even worse than the first one. I went to the Orthopedic Surgeon again and he checked them out. It doesn't look good. I'm scheduled for 2 MRI's on Monday. One of them involves inserting a large needle into the socket, between the shoulder and by arm, and filling the cavity with an entire bag of saline with some traceable dye in it. I've had this done before. It hurts. Then it's an hour in the MRI coffin for that shoulder, followed by another hour in the MRI coffin for the other shoulder. Oh... and the cost of 2 MRI's.

Next, Fishy died. He went from happy and hungry to dead in the course of a day. I really liked him.

Next, I had to deal with some legal matters lingering from my old job separation and the Unemployment Department. My old company fucking sucks! 20 fucking years I worked there and put up with their crap. I worked with abusive managers, lunatic coworkers in an environment that was hostile and depressing. I spent the last couple of years watching as they declared bankruptcy, layed off 2/3rds of the staff and had the rest of the staff absorb the work. The staff that was left was bitter and paranoid and turned to backstabbing and fighting as their way to deal with it. I basically hid in my cubicle and tried not to be the target of any of this. I spent the last months training the guy who I knew would be taking my place at a greatly reduced salary. I had my box of personal belongings packed and under my desk months ago; ready for when the axe would finally fall. I knew it would happen when I was on vacation. That's what my chicken-shit company used to do. And the guy I trained is now doing my work. He's actually a good friend, so I'm not mad at him. I told him repeatedly during the last months of working together that this is exactly what was going to happen and I don't think he believed me. The whole thing has made me so bitter, angry and hateful. NOT something that I'm comfortable with. I strive to be centered, loving and accepting in my life. This feeling makes me feel sick.

Then one of the shoots I was scheduled to do during my upcoming San Francisco trip was canceled. Ugh. I needed that money.

Finally, it was time for Thanksgiving. A time to spend sharing loving time with your family. Well, I don't have a family and when I did there were never any loving memories. Hate and abuse. Those are the family memories I have. No nice turkey dinners with family in a warm, loving house. Instead I had screaming and fighting and bruises and police. So the thought of Thanksgiving made me feel alone and sad.

So what to do?

I sucked it up. I pulled back inside, remembered what was important and I breathed.

First, I went out and got the fixings for a great Italian lasagna and spent the day making one.

Then, I spent some time with my dog and my birds and was happy to find out that there is more than one baby bird in the nest! There are at least two.

And when Thanksgiving day came around, I put on my "Don't Hate Meditate" Hello Kitty shirt, grabbed my lasagna and Joe, and headed over to my friend Jonathan's house and spent the day with my friends.

It was just what I needed. We drank and laughed and ate like pigs. Tim's birthday is today, the day after Thanksgiving, so we had a cake with a candle for every year he's been alive. You could see the glow of the candles from space!

Time to focus on the good things.

1. I can handle whatever comes my way. Always have, always will.

2. I'm intelligent, hard working, and responsible. I'm making money from the freelance web design work I'm doing and I have two porn shoots coming up to supplement that.

3. I will finally start receiving my unemployment.

4. I have an awesome dog and some great birds... complete with new babies.

5. Beta fish are very cheap and, although he won't be the original Fishy, I can get another one.

6. Someone very nice gave me some very beautiful flowers.

7. I have friends. Crazy, dysfunctional, pain in the ass friends. Thank God for them.

8. I looked pretty freakin good in my "Don't Hate... Meditate" shirt!

So I guess I choose to be thankful instead of bitter and hateful.

Here are some photos of everything I just posted about.