If your house is kind of a mess because you have a sprained foot, broken toe and bruised ribs thanks to Tyler Saint beating the shit out of you in a wrestling/porn video shoot, do the following...
1. Dim the lights. (The lower the better.) Light candles. (Not too many, shadow are your friend when you are black and blue.)
2. Decorate your house for Christmas. (The warm and fuzzy feeling your date will get from seeing your holiday decorations will take his mind off of the garbage he has just tripped over on your kitchen floor.)
3. Make sure the decorations are not overly gay. (Like a Wizard of Oz Christmas figurine set, complete with Judy Garland. That would be WAY too gay.)
4. Make sure the toilet bowls are clean and have fresh Ty-D-Bol Cleaner Tablets in them. (Do not stick your hand in the water while placing the tablet in the tank. Of course, only a dumb-ass would do that, so I don't need to warn you about that.)
5. Make sure you look as good as possible by finding the most flattering lighting and attire. (Note: It may be hard to find the right lighting to compliment those bruises and bandages.)
6. Hide the rat trap and all signs of rat poisoning. (Just trust me on this one.)
If you follow these simple rules, you too can have a perfect date!
Lord... what the hell must this guy have been thinking when I opened the door and stumbled towards him through the eerie candlelight and gay Christmas decorations, limping like Quasimoto, with a bright blue finger and gross, swollen, purple toes. Sometimes the life of a Porn Star can be so glamorous.
8 comments:
I am very sorry for you. Wishing you Merry Christms and all the best for 2009.
Big hug!
K.K.
Lol Nick you are way too funny!:)
But I`ll take advantage of your wise tips:)
Happy Holidays,Nick!
Thanks for the Happy Holiday wishes! No reason to feel sorry for me. I actually had a really nice date. Had some sushi delivered, drank my favorite drink (coconut rum & chocolate soy milk), and watched a movie I have been dying to see for years (Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind). And my date is really sexy and sweet. :-)
Your date is a lucky guy; you could alway just blindfold him. Merry Christmas!
Glad the date turned out well. The blue stains will take forever (about a week)to rinse from your fingers.
If I had a date with you Nick, I could care less what the place looked like. Happy Holidays!
I'm very happy that your date went well.
That was a superb entry, by the way. Very witty -- and the photos! Yes, your decorations are, uh, just gay enough. =)
Hmm, my word verification for this entry is "cramerse" . . . that kind of sounds dirty.
Funny fucking post.... had no idea you were such whimsical writer! Hope you're feeling better man.... next time you're in town, we'll have to hang.
xo
Coop
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