Monday, June 28, 2010

Thanks for stroking me

First of all, THANK YOU for all of the comments on my last post! I'm overwhelmed and humbled by the responses. Sometimes.... OK, a lot of the time I get lonely and insecure out here in cyberland and I need a reminder that people actually give a shit about what I am writing... or at least find it mild entertaining. And believe it or not, I DO read every blog on my blog list, almost every day, (YES that includes YOU onesickpuppy)and I DO read every comment left on my blog and click through to find out information on that reader, and check out their blog if they have one. It's a lot of work so sorry if I don't leave comments on every blog very often.

And it amazes me that you guys actually do follow what's going on in my life and can figure out stuff that I don't even mention. Like Damien Oz (Putting A Tickle In My Pickle & 2 Cents Worth Down Under) who pointed out that I am "looking a little thin" and worried if I was OK and if I was eating. I actually am a little thin, haven't been eating very well, or much at least, and am not that OK. The breakup has been tough on me and left me to make some sense of my life... again. I haven't been eating or sleeping much. The wrestling videos and all the porn I've been doing has taken a toll on my body. The arthritis in my shoulders, hands, knees and elbows has been really bad and I haven't been very good with taking my medication for it. I took a one week break from the gym but I'm back there full force because I have some upcoming obligations that require that I look in top form. It takes a lot for me to keep my weight up to 165lbs. A lot. Trust me, it sucks just as much to try to gain weight as it does to loose it. And lately my weight had plummeted to less than 150lbs. That does NOT make me happy. I've been trying to gain it back and have actually gotten up to about 156lbs. I just got some photos from from the Bound Muscle shoot I did two weeks ago and I actually think I look pretty good in them, so that makes me feel better. Here is one of the photos. I'm jacking off on Tyler Saint after I torture and humiliate him. (By the way, the first scene is going live today on Boundmuscle.com so click on over there and enjoy it if you'd like to check it out. It was an AWESOME and EXTREME shoot so I highly recommend it!)


I've also been in a bit of a funk because my birthday is coming up. July 6th. I'm going to be 47 and I am totally OK with that. I've just never had good experiences with birthdays. I usually end up spending them pretty much alone. I have never had a birthday cake. Seriously. I know that sound crazy but it's true. I've hinted to ex-boyfriends and friends that I have always wanted a birthday party and a cake but it's never come to be. The closest I got was 2 years ago when I was cleaning my ex-boyfriends refrigerator, about 3 weeks after my birthday, and found a single sale slice of carrot cake (one of my favorite cakes). It had already gone bad and I through it out. When I asked him later that day if he knew he had it in there, he replied with, "Oh ya, that was for your birthday.) Nice.

As I've mentioned before, my mother was an abusive, unmedicated paranoid schizophrenic (had the hospital stays, shock treatments and history to prove it) and I didn't quite have a childhood. That's putting it VERY mildly. Here is a photo of one of my baby shoes that she had bronzed. A really nice gesture... except that it has the wrong birth year on it. I can't remember how many times that thing went wizzing past my head as a child, but I keep it anyway because it's as good as it gets. I actually keep it on a long table next to my bed with a little distraught looking doll that my mother used to like because it reminded her or herself. I placed an angel statue in front of both the photo and my mother's doll so it can watch over my mom... wherever she is. (See photos below)



I usually spend my birthday with my best friend Tim (porn star Tim Kelly) but this year he is going to be in New York City. The thought of being alone and depressed here was not appealing to me at all. So when he asked me to join him in New York I cashed in some of my frequent flier miles and bought a plane ticket. I'm leaving tomorrow morning for a week in New York!

My first stop will be Staten Island (land of garbage dumps, cemeteries and poorly dressed women with bad hair and bad accents) to see my niece and her new baby and my my stepfather. After that I'll head into Manhattan and stay with Tim. I have still have one old friend (Tom) in New York, and I really like him and his partner (Rich), so I will definitely see them while I'm there. I'm also planning on seeing the Macy's fireworks on July 4th and hopefully grabbing dinner and drinks with my friend Mike Dreyden.

I probably will not be able to do a post for a couple of days because I'll be flying to New York and then staying at my stepfather's apartment and he definitely does NOT have internet access. So I leave you guys with this VERY LONG post, lots of photos, and this one special photo of me at age 3 months old. Can you believe I was born with that hair!

23 comments:

Stan said...

I hate my birthday. Dread every one of them.
You have had some pretty shitty bf's if you ask me. How could they be so cold? Sheeesh!
I hope you have a good time in NYC while your here. Good luck with the relatives.

Stan said...

Damn! almost forgot! HAPPY BIRTHDAY NICK!

Jambrea said...

Happy early birthday. My wish for you is to get a cake. Even if you give it to yourself. Eat cake! :) I hope you have a wonderful time in NY and I'm very happy you'll be with friends.

And man...you were a cute baby!!!

alleen said...

Dear Nick first I wish you a very happy birthday. And I am feeling sad that your childhood was so terrible. After my husband died eight years ago I don't want to cellebrate my birthday. Because every year on that day I am feeling so sad that I lost my buddy. Yes I am also a women who reads your blog and checks it out every day. I hope you have a very nice time in NY. Have been there when I was 19 and studying at Cornell University, I loved it a lot.

Sue said...

I am sure that I am not the only one of your readers willing to stroke you anywhere, anytime Nick! LOL! Your mom was a sick lady and I am glad that part of your life is over now. I imagine that you still struggle with the damage she left daily. Well, maybe not every day. I also had an abusive mom, but we get along much better since I almost died. Have a great week in NYC and for god's sakes get yourself a cake!

Oh, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY you foxy motherfucker!

http://fairviewsue.wordpress.com/

Sue said...

http://fairviewsue.wordpress.com/2010/06/30/dirty-pigs-premiers-today/

Pick said...

After the results of the post the other day hinting that you were needing some stroking comment-wise, I'll be very surprised if you don't get home from NYC to find your front yard covered in hundreds of Birthday carrot cakes. Could be trouble!

Man, you're mom was a piece of work through not fault of her own I'm sure. You know I understand how tough it is to live with that kind of non-childhood. I think the strength as well as that certain vulnerability it gave you is part of your charm ... so own it, and give yourself a huge pat on the back for being a survivor!

Enjoy your birthday, Tim, NYC, some cake, and the new baby ... AND celebrate your life this far. You're pretty damn terrific ya know!

Cheers! And Happy Birthday!

JoeBlow said...

I don't think that I have ever posted a comment on your blog before, but I do love reading each and every one of your posts. Also, I wanted to say Happy Birthday! I wish I could bake you a cake and bring it to you. Even though I am a pretty good cook, cakes are not my specialty, but I do make a kick-ass cream cheese pound cake. I hope you have a wonderful birthday this year and that you get some cake for your birthday. I hope that I look as good as you when I am 47.

Anonymous said...

The fact that your mother was such a troubled soul who left such pain in her wake is sad but the her saving grace was giving the world the gift of you. You are a pretty special and unique guy who deserves so many wonderful things and yet doesn't always get them....you deserve a party with friends...loveds who hold you close and carrot cake and balloons and lots of presents. I wish I could make that happen for you...you will be in my prayers...

Michelle

Anonymous said...

I can't believe I forgot to wish you a Happy Birthday in comment lol

Michelle

joyroett said...

That pic is too cute!

I hope this birthday is the one to make up for all the bad or so-so ones. Have a blast in New York!

p.s. There's NOTHING wrong with getting yourself a birthday cake. And you'll love it because you know what you like, right? :D

Bigdogal said...

My Birthday is coming up on july 19 nick if you don't get a cake i will eat plenty for you.Enjoy your trip and have a happy birthday sir

Aussie Sean said...

Hey Nick
We share birthdays! I'll be 32, still think I'm 22. Time flies. Happy Birthday.

Scott said...

Happy Early Birthday!!!!
Hope NYC will treat you well. It's been hot and humid up here. And forecast says it'll be 95 on your birthday ;-)
Hopefully you will have a cake.
Oh and you do look good in Dirty Pigs. I was looking at the pictures, your shoulders look big, giving Tyler some competition.

David said...

Hey Nick...my partner and I live in Manhattan and are hanging for the 4th. I make a mean carott cake, and we could share it as my 48th birtday is the 9th.

thatsonesickpuppy said...

I guess I hadn't heard all that stuff from your past before Nick - big hugs. If I were there I'd throw you a birthday party.

I hope you find a way to get some positives out of the day and make it good for you. And hey, i'm only about 20 months older - i'll turn 49 this year - can't believe it.

Have a great time in NY, and a Happy Birthday.
(and thanks for reading me)

Triston said...

Hey Nick! Happy Early Birthday! If you were going to be in town, I would have taken you out for your birthday or at least got you a cake. Birthdays are a big thing for me. I love it. sorry you had a crappy childhood..I had one also so i understand. I hope you have a great time in NYC. Take lots of pictures. New York is a good city to have a birthday. Maybe when you get back. HAVE FUN. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!

zee said...

I CAN'T BELIEVE WE SHARE THE SAME B-DAY!I guest it's a small world after all. I, like you, am not really looking forward to it either. It's supposed to be one of those monumental ones but i am also, at this moment, feeling extremely low and the closer it comes the worst I feel. I think you, like me, are depressed. It's not uncommon, especially after all that you've been through. Between your physical and emotional pain, I would actually be surprised if you weren't. I think painful memories are something that stay with us forever and they have their goods and bads. They help us to overcome but just as they can bring us very high they can easily bring us very low. I think we both need to reflect and overcome our pains. I think we both deserve to be happy and we will be if we believe it. A lot can happen between today and Tuesday and we might just have a happy birthday so don't loose hope. Sorry for the long comment but I just wanted to let you know that there's someone out there who knows exactly what your're going through and that I care. Plus I was (and in some ways still is) a peer counselor so it's kind of in my nature to care about the feelings of others.

Zee
indegoraven.blogspot.com

CT said...

Happy early birthday Nick! Wished I could give you a cake for your birthday. Germans in fact do make the best sweets lol. I hope you have a great time NYC. I did when I was there in October.

P.S. that baby photo of you is just so damn cute!

JiffyJim said...

Happy Birthday, Nick :) Hope you have a great, healthy, wonderful year ahead!

wdavi said...

Happy Birthday! Great post, have a great time in The City!

acane02 said...

Hugs to you! You say your weight has dropped, but your are looking good and in shape! Have a great holiday weekend!

Stephen said...

Hi. I'm facing the big 50 in November. I'm not dreading it, but it does make you think. That's half a century.
I'm sorry you've had so many bad experiences in your life. Wishing you a Happy Birthday, and a year of Health and Peace.
Enjoy your time in NY. There are lots of great bakeries in NY. Nothing wrong with treating yourself to a big piece of cake. Have spent many birthdays alone. It is NOT fun, but I figure I'd rather treat myself to a nice, dinner, glass of wine, and dessert than do nothing at all. Take care